So It Didn't Last Long

My promise not to talk about the Cesc thing refers.

But who can blame me. It just gets worse and worse, with nothing to come from Cesc himself and Wenger. Even Cesc Sr has weighed in about how sure he is that Cesc will be at Bartha next season. God save me.

I know I've never gone through this before, but picture this:

You started going out with this chick when she was like 18. You were 21. Not the most eligible stud out there, but you were good-looking enough, and a real decent guy. Doesn't flash his money around, a good dependable, likeable kinda guy. This chick too, was nice, had the potential to be a real stunner, but not someone who immediately caught your eye.

But it caught yours. And she liked you too. You were real good to her. And she came good. Grew up to be like a leggy super model, the stuff all sorts of dreams are made of, and there you were - supporting her all the way. All things considered, she was loyal enough. Sure there was all sorts of shit going on around her, and she did her flirting too, but she treated you well. Even kissed your Arsenal badge from time to time.

Anyway, so like 10 years on - and you're not exactly past your prime, but not the most rocking stud out there at 31. She's at her prime though. And you start hearing things out there. From like this really shit irritating, Hollywood-esque personfication of the himbo - almost like Cristiano Ronald0, but I like him now. He says all sorts of shit out in the open:

"Oooh. I know she wants me. I know she does."

"She said so, she told me she wants me."

"And I want her so bad. We were made for each other man."

"I just want her now, man. Right now. We're gonna explode if it don't happen. And we're gonna explode when it does!"

After a while, you get used to it. You're above it all. Then you realise she hasn't said shit recently.

Then even her father weighs in:

"She told me. She wants him. She can't sleep, can't eat, can't do nothin."

"She needs him. She'll be there with him, in his bed, tonight man. Ain't nothin' nobody can do to stop it."

So what do you do? Fuck if I know. In certain cultures, you'd just shoot the two of them. But alas, in more civilised cultures, we can't. So I say we sell the damn bitch. The right amount of gold, and if he wants to throw in another old chick as exchange as well, why not. I like older women.

I've got more dignity than to take this shit. If only other people had more dignity.

On to more serious business then, and it's time. Let's just go through the Arsewiper's Predictions (AP) for the Group Stages of the World Cup:

Group A:

France

South Africa

Mexico

Uruguay

AP: South Africa/Uruguay

Group B:

Argentina

Greece

Nigeria

South Korea

AP: Argentina/South Korea

Group C:

Algeria

England

Slovenia

United States

AP: England/United States

Group D:

Australia

Ghana

Germany

Serbia

AP: Germany/Serbia

Group E:

Cameroon

Denmark

Japan

Netherlands

AP: Netherlands/Cameroon

Group F:

Italy

New Zealand

Paraguay

Slovakia

AP: Italy/Slovakia

Group G:

Brazil

Ivory Coast

North Korea

Portugal

AP: (Hard one this): Brazil/Ivory Coast

Group H:

Chile

Honduras

Spain

Switzerland

AP: Spain/Chile

So I've done it. Gotten my mind off the Cesc business. For now at least. Thank god for the World Cup. Don't know what I'd do otherwise...

Ciao ciao.

Why We All Love Bartha

Looks like Bartha's Txiki "Tickle-me-Elmo" Begirikazakhstan is continuing with his rather annoying habit of talking through the nether regions of his anatomy:

''It's great news that he wants to come here and I think that one day Cesc will have to come to Barca. But what matters is Arsenal and what their decision is."

''They think he is a very important player for them. We have to respect that. At times the wishes of players do not come true because they are under contract. That he says that he wants to come to Barca is a synonym that things are being done well here."

''I don't know when but I have the impression that he is a Barca (style) player and that he will enjoy it very much. I wish it was as soon as possible. But we have to respect Arsenal's wishes and the contract he has.''

In response then, our own Peter Hill-Wood has suggested that:

''I do know there has been no official approach from Barcelona. Under those circumstances the best comment is no comment!"

Actually, no, my dear friend. The best comment would be:

"Kiss my sorry arse. You won't get away with that feeble attempt at a derogatory slight towards us. Cough up the GDP of a small European economy and we might just think about it. Actually, not a small European economy (like Spain). No point getting paid in euros these days."

So yes, pay us something nice in gold, and we can think about it. I mean, why do we have "no comment", when over there in Spain, there are these who would continue with their shitty comments more often than they empty their bowels? Should we not give some back? Shiver me timbers, there's something really wrong here if we're always the ones forced to maintain any semblance of decency in the "debate".

Here's what we should put out in arsenal.com - as a comment attributable to Arsene Wenger.

1. Cesc Fabregas is contracted with us till 2014. That's 4 more years.

2. So you want Cesc? Sure. If he wants to leave, fine.

3. But pay up. Pay up now, and you'll have him for 3,800 kilos of gold. Put a down payment of 3,700 now, and you can have him at a discount of 1 ounce more in 2013.

4. Of course, you could have him for free in 2014. But if the boy is going to be sulking about not joining his childhood club, then go figure if you still want someone playing in the Reserves for 3 years lining up at Bartha in 2014.

On the latter, really, how much is it going to cost us? Let's see: 100,000 quid a week; multiply that by 52, by 3, and that's what? 15.6 million. We've made our profit of 24 million from Adebayor that we haven't even spent a cent (or penny) of, so why not.

You deal with friggin' gangsters, you gotta have the balls and cash to cough up. [Come to think of it, why is it that all we ever hear of is that stupid Yaya Toure-Cesc swop? Can't we just say, if you can't cough up Lionel Messi or 3,700 kilos of gold, or the Camp Nou, bugger off?]

If you can't deal with thugs as a thug, you just gotta rethink the whole Arsene Wenger approach then. Which in my mind, is a lot more difficult than just rethinking Arsene Wenger.

Anyways. Enough of this shit. This shall be the last of anything I'll say about Cesc. Tomorrow onwards, unless we really sell him, I shall begin my look at the World Cup too.

Ciao.

I've Said it Before, and I'll Say it Again

I'm draggin' my sorry sick arse out to get this to print, for although there's not much to talk about here, there's all sorts of shit (again) happening of late on the Cesc front. Yes, we've become sorta immune to the sort of shit that comes from the Nou Camp, but what has since emerged in the last day or so takes the cake.

It seems Cesc himself has now made known to Wenger his desire to leave the Emirates this summer. I won't be linking any of the stories on this - let's just say that it's not just goal.com here, but all the other so-called "mainstream" people out there.

So I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If Cesc wants to go, fine. Go. But let's just make it happen as soon as possible, and for as much as possible. The 30-35 million quid that has been put up as a possible transfer fee is nothing near what I'd say is reasonable. Double that why not. At the very least, we should get what Torres is supposedly worth. And if Barca doesn't bite, then screw it. I'd rather stick an unhappy Cesc in the reserve team than ship him off to what are supposed to be our competitors on the cheap.

Don't get me wrong here. I love the boy. He's done wonders for the team, and nobody can ever question what he has done. Heck. I even have a damn Spain kit with his name on it. But the fact is that he will leave one day. I'm just saying the sooner the better, so that we can save ourselves the monthly drivel that comes from Bartha and now (allegedly) Cesc himself. So would there be any better reason now for me to hate Bartha even more? Yessirree - seeing Cesc in their shirt would do it.

One more thing I've said before, and won't shy away from saying it again. I've been an Arsewiper for yonks. 100% of my adult life, and 75% of my entire life. Full stop. And that, quite clearly, has involved me being a fan through a lot worse than seeing Cesc leave. We'll get by. If the squad is strengthened elsewhere, then why shouldn't we get better even? The fact is, again - the years that we've had Cesc at the centre of the team, and and as our captain - have not been particularly productive.

So. On Cesc. There will be more important things to look out for this off season. The World Cup is one. But the other is just what our new kit will really look like!

Review: Arsenal 4 - Fulham 0

Well, that was that. The end of our season (officially at least). As with the rest of the world without access to the game itself, I had to be content with Chelski 8 - Wigan 0. More about that later. So our last game, our first victory since that 1-0 win over Wolves, and all I had to watch on the telly was Chelski. Just great.

In the meantime, we can be glad for a third-place finish, and an eventually comfortable 5-point spread over Spurs. God bless the dearly relegated souls at Turf Moor. Beating Spurs 4-2 after being 2-0 down. What we couldn't do, the relegated Burnleys did. How sweet is that? Not as sweet though, if we had ourselves done a 7 or 8-0 over Fulham. We've been overdue one for too long. As I said, more about that later.

For now, I go back to what I'd said earlier, that the table never lies. It doesn't. Really. We finished 11 points behind Chelski, 10 behind Man U, 5 ahead of Spurs and 12 over Pool. That's just about right, I'd say. We could've and should've done much better. No complaints. The squad just needs strengthening, and any monkey with drums could've said so in August 2009.

Watching the highlights, looking at the line-ups, and reading Wenger's pre-match comments, you kinda wondered just what a first-team might look like next season.

Almunia, Fabianski, Silvestre, Gallas, Vela, Eduardo - OUT

At the very least, we should have Wilshere back. Why and how Wenger could even consider extending his time at Bolton is beyond me. Aaron Ramsey should be back at some point, so too Djourou. We have Chamakh in, so that will presumably fill the space vacated by Eduardo. We may (and should) give Sol a one-year extension, so that he can REALLY be cover for either TV or Gallas' replacement. On current form, Sol will be just the perfect stand-in on the odd weeks and the occasional FA Cup game.

I will say this one final time then. Here's what we'll need in sum and at the minimum: new goalkeeper(s), and two new "experienced" (so says Wenger) central defenders. We should be fine in midfield - if we can continue to endure the more-than-occasionally-frustrating Diaby - and get Ramsey and Wilshere back in line. If everybody keeps fit up front, I suppose we should be fine there too. Wenger has said the all too obvious that we've conceded far too many goals this season, so let's hope he takes the next logical step forward.

More about the season as a whole then. It's a freaky ride, no doubt. Yes, the unexpected blips of both Man U and Chelski were amusing, to say the least. Our roller-coaster ride too was filled with ups and terrible downs. But what really gets my beef is how so many teams have travelled to Stamford Bridge this season and basically capitulated. Just lay down. Asking for it, and getting it. Sunderland, Stoke, Villa and now Wigan. This was supposed to be, and for large part was, a season where the gaps between the teams narrowed, were the lesser teams became more competitive. The points prove it, but just how the 7 and 8 goal feasts came to be is a mystery to me.

All I can say is, it was a freak season in terms of Chelski's goals. We probably won't see it again for a long time to come. Sure, Captain Fantastic is now talking about dominating for the years to come, but we all know he's talking through his adrenaline-busting arse. This ain't the Primera Liga, and we'll probably have a more level competition for quite a few more years.

So this is the last Arse review from the Arsewiper for 2009/10. It all started this season with that remarkable 6-1 win at Goodison Park. How long ago that seems now. I can't wait till it begins all over again. This time, let's not get ahead of ourselves, and keep the idiot counting-chickens-before-they-hatch to those in the tabloid press and unfortunately, the editors at arsenal.com.

In the meantime...on to the World Cup!

The Table Never Lies

Before we get to the Spurs-Manciti game tonight, which will probably determine whether we finish 3rd or 4th, let's just have a proper look at the table. It never lies. After 38 games, throw in the odd day-off, the odd period here and there with injuries, it never ever lies. Nobody wins leagues on the fluke.

First, we were even on points with last season with 35 games played. Good progress, you would say. But after 37 games played, we're still level on points. As to whether we've made progress since then, let's just see what happens after Fulham. Fingers crossed they send out their 9-year old girls' team. That'll probably be best for us. They have a Europa League final to contend with a couple of days later, so it's worth a wild wish. Here's a little point to note: we've lost 9 games already this season. That's as many as Everton. Everton. Three more than Manciti, two more than Aston Villa. We've let in 41 goals. The same as Fulham.

Second, I'm not even going to get into comparing our goals conceded with past seasons. We know where that one's going to end up. But let's just look at points. Besides last season, 07/08 saw 83 points. 68 and 67 before that, then 83 and of course 90 points in that glorious 03/04 season. So, this season, it's 72,73, 75, whatever. Have we made progress? Are we on the way up? Or are we just sorta hanging around in the evolving list of clubs outside Chelski and Man U?

Third, guess what. We were eleven points behind Chelski at some point - probably right when we'd just been slapped by them. We managed to haul ourselves back in it, with a run of decent results with the hard ones of out of the way, and let's add - with a string of weird results from both Chelski and Man U to help as well. Having hauled ourselves level (albeit with one more game played) but ahead on goal difference, we're now 25 goals behind on the GD count. 25! After winning 4-2 against Bolton in late January, we're ahead on goal difference. And now, it's 25 behind! The table never lies.

The question is then, do we have much to look forward to? Yes, Chamakh has tried his best to lift our spirits by confirming his signing for us. Thanks dude. But let's face it. Even with Eduardo out of the equation, up front is not necessarily our top priority.

Whether or not Fabianski stays and takes on the #1 shirt will probably be indication of just how serious Wenger is of doing something next season. We've heard Buffon, Hart, whatever. Just give me anyone, and I mean anyone, from any of the other teams in the EPL, and I'd giggle myself silly with happiness.

Apart from the #1 priority, it's then defence. Sol should stay, and even with Djourou back, we'll need at least one more solid experienced head in the centre of defence. We've probably missed the boat on Hangeland (at least when it comes to a cheap buy), so I really am not sure where we stand on that.

These are some sad days. There are gaps everywhere on the pitch that need filling. Why do I have this throbbing, dull ache that tells me Wenger's not going to get anywhere close to filling them?

Review: Blackburn 2 - Arsenal 1

I'm starting to write this with 5 minutes to go - with the firm knowledge that there's no way in hell we're going to be able to get anything out of this game.

It's a sad sad day in the life of an Arsewiper when he has to admit that on the day, Blackburn Rovers played us off the pitch. They were far better defending, far better in front of goal, and with their simple task of focusing their attacking options on Fabianski, did better tactically than Wenger could dream to do.

So we've lost to Blackburn Rovers. That's usually painful enough, but before I get to the game, just how crap has our season been then? Let me count the ways. At least one, or three in this instance:

- When Wenger puts down as a "highlight" of the season Eboue's turnaround. Or as "one of the more satisfying" points of the season. Of course, it would be nice if the highlight was actually winning something, or at least, winning. Full stop. Against Chelski and Man U in any one of our four tries. Or even not losing. That would have been a slightly more satisfying point than Eboue's newly-found cult status.

- When Fabianski keeping a clean sheet in a drab 0-0 draw at home is applauded. He had nothing to do.

- When we let in 3 goals in the last 10 minutes to Wigan. Wigan. The Wigan which till then had scored 32 goals in their 35 games. That's an average of 0.9 goals every 90 minutes of football. And we give them 3 in 10 minutes in a top-of-the-table, it-still-mattered kind of game.

- When we have a lead again Blackburn Rovers and proceed to lose it through two simple set pieces.

But, Arsewiping friends, there's nothing more crap than this season, than knowing that it's going to be the same next season. As for the game, we were nothing more than a piddling bunch of amateurs. Lacking in motivation, bereft of pride, urgency and ideas.

Of course Wenger will have another view to it, and I shan't bother to even consider what they may be. But shit, in the worse case scenario, I suppose we'll finish fourth, and based on what we've done when it has mattered most, that's not quite far from what we really deserve.

To the player ratings why don't we. Haven't done that in a while.

Fabianski 3 - Had two pretty decent saves to keep us in the game, so it's a 3. Flapped at two set pieces, looked an idiot, and I suppose Wenger will think he did just fine.

Traore 5 - Suppose he did appear on the pitch, but can't really say more.

Campbell 7 - As always, looked to be the only one who cares. Sad days ain't it?

Silvestre 4 - Silvestre was Silvestre.

Sagna 6 - He tried, but had nothing to work with.

Diaby 3 - Fuck it. What's the use of this...

Nasri 4 - Really, what's the use?

Eboue 5 - I'm killing myself...

Vela 3 - Ha! What a joke there.

Walcott 0 - He deserves a place in the England team, that's how bad he is.

RVP 7 - Looked the only person who should be playing football for a living. Sol should be kicking his heels up and screwing this bunch of rank amateurs.

What makes it all worse is that collectively, apart from Sol and RVP, not one player who showed up - and that includes the subs - Arsh and Eduardo - showed any semblance of pride in their performance. The whole routine of aimless passing when we're 2-1 down and with 15 minutes to play just caps it all.

Screw this. Wenger needs to go if this is all he can muster from his team.

Wigan deserved it, and so too did Blackburn.

Faith in Football

On a Arse-less weekend, and after a month where my faith in the Arse has been tested, what better time than now to have my faith in football reaffirmed.

A few really wonderful things happened. First, of course, was Bartha losing the way they did to Inter. Just priceless. I suppose for all the shit that has been spewed about the brilliant game that they play, it had to be a moment of sheer cheating brilliance that reduced Inter to 10 men with about an hour still to play. The ref was pathetic, but Inter's response was perfect. Messi reduced to nothingness. All sorts of huffing and puffing, but the more worthy emerged winners after two legs. So I emerged a minor fan of Inter on Wednesday, and went to bed happy that there are every now and then, results that restore your faith in things. (Point to note: the sheer crappy biased-ness of ITV's commentary was unforgiveable. It was not like hearing a Catalan TV station commentating on the game. This was English. English channel. English speakers, for a supposedly wider English-speaking audience. And you had the commentators, Clive Tyldesley and whatsis-usual-face going on and on and on about Barca. It just shows how just about everyone has bought into the Bartha myth. God bless Jose Mourinho.

Second, was of course Fulham. How brilliant was that story? Fulham. Going all the way to the final of the Europa League. I pray they win, and they'll have every chance to do it. I just feel, though, that Atletico will just have enough to see to them. But the fairy tale will live on forever. Shakhtar, Juve, Hamburg, and they way they did it. Wow. I'm a little bit of a Fulham fan now too.

Third was the other semi. How nice as well, to see Pool where they are. I suppose with Juve flirting with mediocrity, who better to confirm their newly-found mediocre status than Rafa Benitez. The board at Anfield would do well to take a long, hard look at Roy Hodgson. But I suspect he has well enough grey matter to avoid that place. How poetic was the goal too. Jose Antonio Reyes (Arsenal), pass to Forlan (Man U), to give the ole Pool one up the arse. Priceless.

I'm not sure what there will be to watch tomorrow, but Chelski-Pool should be nice. Wouldn't mind another 7-goal showing from Chelski, and I wouldn't rule it out either.

Finally, I wouldn't rule out the title getting decided tomorow too. Chelski win, Man U drawing. Who's going to put some money on that then?

On the Arse front, all sorts of things have come and gone on the Arsh and Russian translation issues, pre-World Cup signings, etc etc. Basically, nothing we aren't already used to. Blah. At least we'll have a football to watch at dinner time on a Monday night.

Ciao then, friends. Hopefully, we'll have more meaningful things to talk about soon.