B-O-L-L-O-C-K-S

Pathetic. That's our transfer business summed up: a bid for a 37-year old goalkeeper turned down. And we're left with Almunia. No contingency. No back-ups. The stuff of champions.

I'm not particularly pissed that we missed out on Schwarzer per se. The whole process basically stunk. First, were we serious in getting an Almunia replacement? Seems so, given how we so obviously went out of our way to signal the lack of confidence in our #1 man. Having so destabilised the ole sod, you'd think that Schwarzer would not be the be all and end all of our goalkeeping ambitions.

Let's be clear. Schwarzer wouldn't have done much to change things. He was never going to be a messiah, designed to be the final piece in the puzzle that is our quest for glory. But still, he would've been a statement of intent. A minor one. And a minor statement of intent would've been better than none. Or even worse, a negative statement, one that says: "Well, I suppose we could live with not only a mediocre keeper, but one who's now destablished and demoralised with how we've treated him."

I'm already looking forward to either the January window or next summer, where we will be on the lookout again for a 99p replacement. Que sera sera. Couldn't we at least have just said furgeddit and gotten on with proper pre-season preparations with the goalkeepers we've got?

There are those out there who've always trumpeted the dictum of In Arsene We Trust. Well, I trust him to deliver another Top 4, probably. But any more in the league or Champions League is a major question mark.

Maybe next season then. The most blindly optimistic of us will somehow think that this will give Almunia the fillip to suddenly become an Edwin van der Sar. And Fabianski will somehow disappear.

So. End of transfer window, and we have Chamakh, Koscielny and Squillaci to show for things. At the start of the summer, most would've thought that apart from in defence, the one major signing we would need would've been the obvious. But it hasn't happened. Let's move on. Fingers crossed there won't be too many Homer Simpson-esque "doh!" moments, interspersed with the "I told you so" moments as well.

Elsewhere, a bit more amusing news in the form of Alex Hleb. You know, there are really more straight-forward routes from the Arsenal to Birmingham. Routes that would not involve inflated self-perceptions, crashes down to earth, wage cuts, regret, humiliating loans and humble pie. But that's what happens these days. Quite often with folk who leave Arsenal too. May he bring to Birmingham years of wonderful short-socked runs into opponent penalty areas. Hopefully not ours. (Ooops. It is a loan deal, so maybe it's just one year, then who knows where he'll end up. Maybe back home, or in China with his brother).

Finally, we'll have to register our 25 for the season by 5pm tomorrow, looks like. Let's see which of our goalies Wenger leaves out. Oooooooh. Excitement.

Snigger snigger, tee hee hee

You can just imagine the palpitations that poor ole Sheikh Mansour must be going through right now.

Piles all that money into a club, has high hopes, only to lose to Sunderland. And a Darren Bent goal. It must hurt. I mean, Adebayor even played. For 15 whole minutes! And yet...the billion dollar team...How could this happen?

It did. And I'm pleased. Thanks! Wonder if the Sheikh's gonna be reviewing Tevez's wages:



It's been a nice enough weekend. Spurs showing Champions League material, Manciti showing real title quality, and Arse getting throug Blackburn.

I just realised that transfer deadline is like, a bit more than a day away. Wow. More of nothing. Or more of last-minute manic, stupid, rather meaningless transfer gossip. The latest reality to hit home is that: (a) Mark Schwarzer really really really really wants to join Arsenal. As opposed to just really really really last week. Significant development there; and (b) that the fate of our goalkeeping condundrum depends on...Shay Given's shoulder. I just thank god he didn't like have a groin issue. Can you imagine?

"Arsenal's title hopes dashed by the slimmest of margins - about 1 inch from Shay Give's balls"

Doesn't this whole transfer business remind you of Monopoly?

Beginning of the game: Give me Mayfair. I'll give you Bond Street plus £500. Fuck off.

Half an hour later: Give me Mayfair. I'll give you Bond Street, Fleet Street, plus £500. Fuck off.

Three hours later: Give me Mayfair. I'll give you Bond Street plus £500. No.

Nearly bed-time: Give me Mayfair. I'll give you Bond Street. Ok, ok, ok...let's just hurry it up...

Elsewhere, Wenger's also spoken about Cesc's performance. Who asked?

Anyway, this is what he said:

"He will be the player he was before without any problem and he will be stronger. And of course I think he will, once he is fit again, be involved mentally in the team."

So is the supposition then that he was not/has not been involved mentally in the team? In-ter-resting, my Dear Watson. Not the use of the future tense, in "will be involved...". In-ter-resting indeed.

Indeed, Watson, there is more use of the future - "He is our leader, he is the leader of our team and he has a massive responsibility. I am convinced he will stand up for it."

Is it the suggestion then that he did not/has not stood up for it? Yet? Hmmm... [Rubbing of chin...]

And Watson, why did the Frenchman lie?

"He had not played since the World Cup Final. That was on July 11 and we are now the end of August."

He did, did he not? He has played! In MEXICO!! He's fit!

What is this Sherlock saying exactly? I don't really know.

Except I'm not sure why Wenger's being so defensive about his Captain. What the hell? Cut out the not-fit jazz.

He's fit. He had so little to do in South Africa, the only thing he'd have to get over is boredom. And jet lag (from both South Africa and Mexic0). Just say he had a shit day, and let's move on. I mean, Pique, Xavi, Iniesta, Busquets and Villa all started for Barca this weekend, all played tons more football than Cesc in South Africa...so why should fitness ever be an issue for our captain?

He had a shit day. He was taken off. He was distracted for a month and half, probably is still distracted (hence the "mentally involved" suggestion) but he'd better wake up. Soon. Full stop.

That's what we need from Wenger.

Okay then. It's 30 August. I shall go to sleep, wake up in the afternoon of 1 Sep, and find out who we've actually not signed in the end.

PS - it just shows you. I completely forgot. RVP's injury. It's become almost as expected and unsurprising as how Friday follows Thursday. Wenger says it's 8-10 days, the Dutch Federation says it at least a few weeks. What. Ev. Er. We already have Bendtner injured, so this just adds to the fun. We have Chamakh still. And Vela too. But I'm pretty sure Theo's going to tweak something or other during the international break.

Review: Blackburn 1 - Arsenal 2

Just excellent. I'll take this anytime, take it over a strolling, miss-a-dozen-other-chances 6-0 win over Blackpool.

This win took heart, a good dose of balls, a healthy serving of bollocks, and a nice dollop of spirit. We were never at our best. The gears never clicked for longer than 5-10 minute periods. Especially in the first half. If not for Theo, we might have been mediocre, we might have had to struggle that tad more. So we were largely outplayed in the first couple of minutes at Ewood Park, but somehow, given that all they could throw at us were Pedersen throws, you just know we'd get a chance and use it. And did we. In the grandest fashion.

Theo - a man at the top of his game, brimming with confidence, and what a finish for our first. The tightest of angles, but he had the bollocks to give it an almighty smack, dead-straight, into the corner, in the process busting the net. Classic. What a boy.

Of course, Blackburn do seem a decent enough side when they try to play some proper football, and given some slack defending - most culpable of which came from a clueless Clichy - we let in the equaliser. It didn't come from a throw, a corner, a free kick, but a quick break from Blackburn Rovers. How humiliating is that?

From then on in, I just felt if we could get in to half-time at 1-1, we'd be in good shape. We'd come out a better team.

So yes, we bossed the entire second half, showed Blackburn what we could really do, and get our deserved winner. Theo. He's one fire. Even threw in an unintentional (?) assist with his arse following a Cesc strike. The Arsh, who had had a so-so game, only marginally better than his first two, puts it away.

Where we actually get better, however, is after Cesc goes off, Rosicky comes on. More on Cesc later.

We hold on, with the said combination of balls, et al. And that was a satisfying thing to behold. 3 points at a fixture where we got embarrassed at last season. Hats off though, to Blackburn. They played a decent enough game, tried to do the thing they do, but at least, did it manfully enough to provide some semblance of a good, open game.

The first time I'm doing this this season, so here goes:

Almunia 7 - Dealt with the set-pieces well enough. Maybe one dodgy punch, but didn't let the shoving, etc throw him off. Had little else to do. An entire universe away from Fabianski at Ewood Park in May.

Sagna 7 - Immense. His persistence in setting up the second was classic. Top-notch.

Koscielny 7 - Would've given him a better rating if not for his role in letting in the equaliser. Could he have done better with Diouf? Otherwise, generally solid.

Vermaelen 7 - Okay too. But I can't help wondering. Where are his goals?

Clichy 5.5 - Bad. Slack in the equaliser, and had too many off moments. Showed too often his total unawareness of where the opposition is.

Song 7 - Good stuff. Weird hair-do. (See: Rigobert Song).

Cesc 5 - Shit man. That was as bad a performance as I've ever seen him throw in, in an Arsenal shirt. Nowhere. The only reason Blackburn rolled over us in the first half was his lack of presence in the middle of the park. Every other pass was either sideways or totally off the mark. It was dismal. Good thing he was taken off, and Rosicky had that much more energy and vision. Early season cobwebs? We'll see. Now he gets to jet off for the stupid international break, play a couple of minutes, and will probably either get injured or need a few more games to settle in. Not on.

Arshavin 6.5 - Doing better, slowly, and hopefully surely. Composed in his finish, and showed a few moments of pace.

Diaby 7 - One of his better games, actually. A few nice turns, cross-field passes, and for once, a few of his dribbles were worthwhile. Maybe it had to do with Cesc having a bad day at the office.

Theo 8 - What a run he's on. The confidence is there, and you can only curse the damn international break coming up. Great runs, nice turns, and a few intelligent balls into the area. Fingers crossed he keeps it up after he gets to hang out with a few mediocre team-mates and games against Bulgaria and Switzerland.

RVP - Nothing I can say. Man of Glass strikes again. Lasted slightly more than half an hour, and well, at least it keeps him out of the international break.

Chamakh 7 - I'd say a game against the likes of Blackburn actually suits him better than it does RVP. Looks like he's made of sterner stuff, and he's more than ready to take it and give it back. His defending on a couple of set pieces was great too. Give the boy a beer. He should come out of the international break well rested and ready to go at Bolton.

Wilshere/Rosicky - Looked sharp, and well worth 90 minutes.

So, it's our first away win since what? March? Shiver me timbers, but it was hard, and worth the wait.

Now for the damn break.

Anyways, elsewhere. What larks. Spurs. Must've been still giddy with all the giggling about being in the Champions League. Ooooooh...look at our draw.

Right. 1-0. At home. To Wigan. Wigan, they would had the worst ever start to the Premier League. They who've shipped in 10 with no reply at home. Win. Away at Spurs. Just cracks me up. They who now only one point behind you. Waddaya say now, eh Crouchie? Still dying for Inter?

(Actually, watching Inter v Atletico, you gotta wonder. The slide to the Master of Mediocrity Rafa Benitez...who knows how low they can go).

Finally, speaking of Spurs. We're drawn with them away in the Carling Cup. Now, first, why the $&^! do we play Spurs when there's MK Dons, Northampton, whatever, still in the draw? Oh yeah, right. They're only meant for Man U and Chelski. But second, who gives a shit. Can we just throw the game? I mean, do we really care? Carling Cup? Can we throw on our reserves? Youth team? Ladies? (Oh no, not with Spurs). Such a bloody waste of a mid-week fixture.

Carling Cup. Gimme a break.

The Day After, the Day Before

Couple of reactions to the draw today. Not surprisingly, Eduardo's is pretty prominent:

"I always had a feeling that Arsenal and Shakhtar would be drawn together in the same group. It will be fantastic for me to come back to a club I will always love and respect, to see all my old team-mates and to play again in front of the best fans in England."

"In my opinion, Arsenal and Shakhtar are the favourites to go through."

Yes, and thanks dude. As I said, he ain't an Adebayor, won't be running the length of the pitch to celebrate a goal in front of Arse fans (he might take a while, unfortunately), and even if he does score one, we'll just make sure we score another 3 or 4 in reply.

As usual, Wenger sums it up quite usefully:

"I am very confident of course and I am sure we will come out of it. But I don't think we have an easy group. We'll need to be on our toes."

It's confirmed. Le Squid's taking #18. Did anybody notice the "exclusive" pictures on the Arse website? Funny. Quite apparent that after signing for an "undisclosed" fee, on a "long-term" contract - talk about mysterious - he has taken his first Arsenal pictures at a similarly undisclosed location. Wonder if he found Dick Cheney while he was at it.

Anyway, my guess it's probably some shed next to some practice ground close to Blackburn. Welcome, mon ami. Don't let the drabness of Blackburn and its environs get you too down for now.

On the transfer-nonsense front, there's some news out there linking us to another Frenchman (gives it come credence, I suppose) goalie in Mickael Landreau of Lille. What I like about the story is not necessary the point that it may be based in fact - but that it raises the discinct possibility of us saying "screw you, and screw it" to Mark Hughes and Schwarzer.

Which is nice, but also scary. Cue Le Boss:

"I'm not ruling it out but at the moment I'm not in a position to sign anyone. At the moment, it is all dead."

Meaning...Almunia?

Turning somewhere else, some amusement from our bestest of friends in Emmanuel Adebayor.

Some time in the (very) recent past: "Arsene Wenger can never say that I wanted to leave," added Adebayor. "It was because Arsene didn't want me anymore."

Some time, like, now: "If I don't have a chance to play here, there will be a lot of chance to play somewhere else. If they [City] force you out then you always have to follow your destiny."

What is it with everyone? Always wanting you out? Poor poor boy.

Oh yeah. This of course:

“Arsenal have a lot of fans who are not fans. What is good is that the City fans truly love you."

Er, yeah. I'm sure they reeeallly do. So ain't you gonna, like, love them back? Stay the course? What a freak show.

But, I suppose given how Mark Hughes so understood his need for some lurve, the occasional TLC, warm after-game cuddles, he might do well to consider Fulham then. I hear they've got great, loving fans over at Craven Cottage.

Alright then, one week's been long enough. Till tomorrow. Early kick-off, thank god.

The Draw

Something to bring back the memories...

Anyway, it's Shakhtar, Braga and Partizan. All things considered, this is a draw I would take. Shakhtar will be tricky, and Eduardo will be all geared up to show us what we'll miss. Nah, seriously, no way is he an Adebayor, and he'll be nice to see again. Hopefully, though, he won't show up as the pre-injury Eduardo.

Braga? Not much anyone knows about them, except that they quite efficiently dispensed of Sevilla in qualifying, which we all know is no mean feat. Partizan? Ditto, but in all seriousness, in Pool 4, and first appearance in yonks, we should be able to take care of it.

Trips to Ukraine and Serbia aren't exactly the most mouth-watering in terms of travel, but the schedule of games quite makes up for it. We do, however, play Partizan away and Chelski away in succession, but it's helped that it's a Tuesday game followed by a Sunday kick-off. (Nice too, that we get to play West Brom at home before travelling).

The trip to Shakhtar in early November (better than December!) is also sandwiched by two home games to West Ham and Newcastle. All in all, relatively kind. No complaints, and I'm chuffed that we'll have our first game at home to Braga. Yum.

After idiot Crouch's call for Inter in the draw, the fool gets it. This bravado after a convincing win against some Swiss young boys was evidently stupid to all non-Spurs fans, and they've been suitable rewarded with Inter, Werder Bremen and McClaren's Twente. I tell you what: how much would we wager that Spurs ends up bottom of their group? Such pleasure, it would bring...

The "Group of Death" of course is Madrid, AC Milan, Ajax and Auxerre. I'm sure Madrid will come out on top, but it'll be a toss up with the other three. As always, Chelski have got an easy run-out, and so do Barca. Man U's Group C will throw up a few interesting ties tough: Valencia, Rangers...what fun.

We do all love the Champions League, do we not?

Elsewhere, Wenger's finally announced our signing of Le Squid. No surprises there, so let's hope that puts an end to all the conspiracy theories that were circulating as to why it had taken so long in coming. Said Le Boss:

"We needed a centre-back of quality and experience if possible, and at the right price - he was all of that."

See, I told you. His motto is "I only buy them cheap and good", no? These French...

Anyway, speaking of French, looks like our three acquisitions so far have taken on a distinctive French/Francophonie look - Koscielny, Chamakh and now Squid. We're dead stuck with the goalkeeping situation, but let's hope we can once and for all add an Australian to the mix.

At this stage, though, it looks worrying, to say the least. So long as Fulham can't find their replacement, I don't see how they're going to let Schwarzer go. As I've said before - it sure sucks to have our fates determined by the likes of Mark Hughes et al. Maybe if we just offer to give them Fabianski on loan, and volunteer to pay his wages and then some. Szceszny (correct?) can then be the Schwarzer cover.

Looking ahead to Blackburn, Wenger thinks the injury prognosis is quite good. I'll say. We have Denilson back, and RVP and Cesc have not suffered any sort of averse reaction to game time. Koscielny's back too, after his suspension. So we look as full strength as any Arsenal team can look "full strength". Bring it on, bring it on. Is it only Thursday?

On some non-Arsenews, and going back to Spurs...Young Boys were a complete let down last night. What the hell. Totally unreliable. I keep getting let down by the Swiss. Wonder if there's a pattern there. Anyway, to let a 3-0 lead turn into a 6-3 aggregate drubbing has got to be one of the worst turn-arounds imaginable. Quite like beating the European (and eventual World) Champions in your first group game and then not even qualifying for the knock-out rounds.

What can you do though? With a name like Young Boys. But I suppose it helps that Young Boys are always going to get the better in any contest with Grasshoppers. Hands down. Even Little Girls.

Inside the Emirates Stadium

It being a slow Arsenews day (to say the bloody least), I thought this might be the best time to report on my little adventure a while ago at the Emirates Stadium. Just brilliant, it was, and it's something I would urge anybody out there (Arsefan/Arsewiper or not) to do.

So here goes.

First, we've heard a little bit about it hear and there, but it was funny seeing ole Arsene's bust the first thing you step into the stadium for the tour. Yes, Herbert Chapman's there, but of course, Arsene's there to greet you. Not bad, and everyone gets to pose with Le Boss while waiting to get in.

That's exactly what I did. Stood there, had my photo taken, and then lo and behold, I peak down, and right there, at the bottom of his bust, in the smallest of Latin words, the inscription: "I only buy them cheap and good". Hmmm. Wonder what that means.



Anyhows, from there, it's a little walk up to the Directors' box, where you get to see and feel what all the hot shots do on match days. They even have little tiny plaques with each person's name at the bottom of the seat on the floor. But more than that, the views...mmmm....

So we're allowed our time to get all teary-eyed and sniffly, eternally grateful to be given the opportunity of having such a view. Photos galore, questions galore, and information galore. (For example: did you know that in a quick Transformers-like switch, the whole away section can be like, retracted to allow for things like fire engine access? Neat way of getting rid of Spurs fans too). All sweet.

In a while, you hear the pleas...changing room, changing room, please please please! And we're off. A bit like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, actually.

It's pretty nice, to say the least, and we're told all about the design rationales, the feng shui involved. Yes. Feng Shui - no sharp corners, it ain't a square, everyone open and facing each other, etc. And one of the first things I see that day was the white board. Now, this was pre-season, just before the Warsaw game, methinks, but someone forgot to rub off the board. Funny. Probably meant for Carlos Vela.



Yes, yes. Besides sitting exactly where the players would sit, becoming aware of what the super duper non-slip floor is made of, what the special cushions do (they keep your heart-beat going at pre-half time rates. Serious!), you get sight of the shirts hanging where they're supposed to be hanging. Defenders with defenders, midfielders with midfielders, and strikers with strikers. There was a special time-out chair for Gallas too. But my favourites:





Now this is probably what people would think of as the highlight of the tour, and we all get a dose of photos, oogling at their state-of-the-art water/spa treatment pool, the massage/therapy room, and for those so inclined, even the toilets. Now that was sorta out of bounds, but I wonder if everyone gets their own dedicated loo. Anyhows, after the changing room is...drum roll, being taken out on to the pitch through the tunnel just like it's do on match days. That was pretty special.



You walk out of the tunnel, onto the pitch, and everyone's like wow.......so this is it. Of course it helped that it was a brilliant day out to be on the pitch, and the playing surface looks just as good, if not better, than it does on the telly. It was nice too, that they let us sit around the dug out, some happily finding out they had their arses on Wenger's seat. I satisfied myself with some of the substitute seats at the back.



It was all in all, pretty cool, and I could think of fewer better ways to spend an hour and a half with the kids in London. (Yes - secret tactic of further embedding into their (sub)consciousness the wonder of the Arsenal). Even better - straight after the tour, you're led into the Armoury where we're all let loose like kids in a candy shop. Oh yeah, Arsewiper Jr got himself a bag of official Arsenal sweets (vanilla fudge, for those who want to know). Suffise to say, apart from the sweets, I did my fair share to pad up our transfer kitty. Next step: one of those Highbury apartments.

I was pretty tempted to take in a tour of Old Trafford or Anfield after that too, just for the heck of it, but Mrs Arsewiper asked me why, and if I was mad. She was probably right. I've seen both, watched matches now at both, so why bother. Nothing's gonna beat the Emirates.

Ciao then. I'm going to be Swiss tonight. Go Young Boys!!

Le Squid Cometh

First things first, and there's some news on Seb "Le Squid" Squillaci.

There's still no official announcement from the club, but the Squid has made it abundantly clear what the situation is. I suppose he's cleared his medical? So sayeth he:

"If a French player receives an offer from Arsène Wenger, it's practically impossible to turn down."

Wow.

Although these days, I'm sure the worth of French players (or should I say, French national team players) must be...rather low? Good thing Wenger hasn't called up too many of the more dodgy French specimens.

Le Squid really likes the French connection though:

"Arsenal were always the team I watched out for."

"For any spectator like me, you had to watch a squad with [Thierry] Henry, [Robert] Pirès, [Patrick] Vieira and [William] Gallas. Now, I'm happy to have my name in the history books."

Gallas? Gallas? Of the Spurs? How can he mention Gallas and not make reference to, er, say Emmanuel Petit? Hmph. Oh well, I trust Samir and Gael will give him a welcome kick up the khyber for that. Maybe not Nasri, since he's just had surgery. Wenger then.

A bit of an Arsewipe at Pool today: first, what a sorry flop at Eastlands they were last night. A week ago at Anfield, and one might have felt that Pool may just have amazingly turned some corner. But alas, their top-7, mediocre version showed up at Manciti, and got rather comfortably whipped. Torres in particular looked totally out of it. And you know what? The table makes for funnier reading now. Pool, one point and one place off the relegation zone.

There's also the whole drama surrounding Mascherano. Going on strike, demanding a move, Hodgson standing his ground (rightly). What the heck is it with these people? Going on strike. Puh-leeze. So I say to ole Roy: stick to it, get your money's worth, and be prepared to either stick the fool in the reserves or make him buy out his contract. Bloody professionals.

As for Barca, looks like they offered Pool £18.8 million plus Alexander Hleb. Not sure what that works out to. £17 million? Anyways, apart from the sad sad end to Hleb after his deluded move to Barca (they even left him out of the club photo call!), you have to wonder too how far Barca's desperate move for Mascherano (and available cash) is simply down to their not being to do the same with our Cesc.

Finally - couldn't help noticing, while watching Pool last night. Cameras (intentionally?) on King Kenny (Dalglish, and not Huang), and right next to the old man was, shall I say, a rather... young...attractive... Chinese lady. Wonder who she was? Kenny's tutor? Translator? I thought the whole Chinese buy-out thing has fizzled out? Anyhows...

Can't believe it's only Tuesday. I got so desperate for some football that I even thought for a moment if Spurs-Young Boys might be worth watching...just to cheer on the Swiss again.

That's tomorrow though.

A funny 'ole start

It's surely be a strange little start to the season eh? But first, Arsenews.

Sevilla seem convinced that they've sold Squillaci to the Arse. They've even said so. Themselves, on their official website. All subject to a medical with us today. So great. Nice bit of reinforcement, and with both Koscielny and Squillaci, you do have to feel that our defence is, overall, in better shape than with Gallas and Silvestre. If Djourou keeps fit, and with Song keeping up his immense covering performances, I think we're looking just about decent in defence.

Theo's been talking about both the Blackpool game and looking ahead. He's said the right things:

"We want to be winning these games and the most important thing is how we react to Blackburn next week, an early kick off. "

"They are the games we need to be winning, the games that might have let us down last season so that's where we will show our character."

Yessirree. The last game with Blackburn away was certainly a let-down. Pathetic capitulation after going a goal up in our penultimate game of the season. So let's give them a good hiding this time, alright? Six won't be necessary. A nice comfortable 2 or 3-0 would do just fine.

Watched the Fulham - Man U game yesterday. Apart from the fact that it was a cracking, cracking game (more on that later), it was nice to see Schwarzer nowhere near the pitch. Hope he was checking out his bus routes like I suggested. Also, not sure since when commentators became the purveyors of rumours, but our friends there did suggest that somewhere, somehow, there were whisperings that Schwarzer had failed his medical with us. Huh? Had we even agreed a fee? Anyhooos. Fools making the most of the suggestion that he might have a back injury? What. Ev. Er.

So, more on the start to the season. Quite incredible. At the very least:

1. After two games, only Chelski have a 100% record. (I won't mention their GD).
2. The 6-0 scorelines! How many? Four.
3. And the hat-tricks too...

And the entertainment. I suppose it's all blow-back from the dismal goalscoring we witnessed in South Africa, but just on Sunday: first Newcastle against a pathetic, roll-over, play dead Villa, then Fulham-Man U. Just classic that. You gotta love the EPL for that alone.

Fulham in the ascendancy before and after their first equaliser, Man U showing the requisite class and determination to get their second, a sorry OG from Hangeland of all people, then Nani (Nani??!!) stepping up to take, and miss a dismal penalty to seal the deal, and Hangeland of all people to step up a power in a header to get their deserved point. Just excellent. Now Man U know what it's like to throw points away. It's not just us! Yay!! But you gotta say, Sir's been pretty magnanimous, so good for him:

"In fairness to Fulham they were the better team in the second half. I don't think we deserved to be in front at 2-1... We can't complain in terms of the run of the game.''

Good man. Said it right.

Oh yeah, wanted to say something about Fulham's stand-in goalie. David Stockdale. Not bad at all, man. A fit thick in the sides, but I'd say on this performance, good enough replacement, no? So let it go, Mark. But no way in hell are you getting 4 million quid for a (crocked?) 37-year old with one year left on his contract.

Monday, and finally - Monday night footie. How nice. Gives me some reason to get some exercise out of the elliptical in front of the tellie. Ciao then. Till tomorrow, when we get our new goalie and defender.

Review: Arsenal 6 - Blackpool 0

Didn't I say that I wanted 7? 7-0. Not 6-0. Geez. It could've, should've been 8 or 9, even 12. And all we got was 6.

Evidently, it's not very often you feel rather dissatisfied with a 6-0 win. Yes, it was a good showing, we had some real moments of brilliance, but apart from Theo, the finishing was all in all rather ordinary. It was such a one-sided match, Blackpool were as naive as naive could be in remaining "true" to some form of an attacking game, that the game took on an almost pre-season run about feel. We should've taken more of an advantage. I'm sure Chelski if given the same chance would've come away 8 or 9 goal boost to their goal difference.

But, before I get carried away, what were the really good points: Theo. For sure. At last, he's shown what he's capable of. Three excellent finishes, and a couple of sublime assists, passes and runs as well. Yes, there were one or two awkward crosses and passes, but we can forgive him that. Jack Wilshere. Had a good 90 minute run-out, and did not at any time look out of place. Kudos to boy. This is exactly what we need for him. Keep this up, and he'll be excellent cover for the likes of Cesc, Nasri, Song. Rosicky. Another good run-out, more than able to be the creative force. He seems to have a slightly better eye for the pass than Samir even, so fingers crossed he keeps fit. Who knows, with Wilshere up to it, we might be able to rest him every now and then. Vermaelen/Song. Had absolutely nothing to do, and looked dominant with every weak punch that Blackpool could throw.

Of course, there were a few disappointments too. The Arsh put in a slightly better performance today that at Anfield, but you could tell he's still way off the pace, and had way too many wayward passes and touches. He's gonna need a couple more weeks at the very least. To look so knackered against a weak Blackpool by the hour? That's not on, my friend. Chamakh. Should've had a hat-trick himself too. A few good chances. With a cooler head, and better luck, he would've been the one to bring us to 8 or 9. Ironic that he probably scored with his most difficult chance late on. Cracking header.

So yes, 6 is always good. But what the scoreline actually reveals is how we need to be so much better with putting away our chances. I don't think we'll find as generous opponents in the Group stages of the Champions League, the FA Cup or even any other team in the Premier League. I mean, look at it this way: I think we played our best football for just 50 minutes or so. From Theo's first to his last. We were 5-0 up with more than half an hour to play. Prior to the first, Blackpool showed a few moments of quality and excellent passing. After our last, it was all there for the taking, but we took our foot off the pedal. Theo's departure left a huge hole in our incisiveness, and with Cesc and RVP on - you could feel that all they wanted was a good safe run-out with getting any injuries. C'est la vie. Bring on Blackburn next week. That should be a better test - though looks like they're now 0 for 2 in the new season.

You know what makes our 6-0 win all the less satisfying? Chelski's second drubbing of same scoreline, that's what. Dammit. Two games, GD of +12, and we couldn't make more ground on the GD with far more promiscuous opponents in Blackpool.

Enough from Mr Damp Squib then, right?

Alright - final little thing for today. You know something - I'm not quite sure what to expect this coming week. We have Blackburn of course, but in terms of signings, it looks like it could be another long long week of nothing. And I don't think I could take any more of that. Saturday's the 28th. Deadline's 1st September. No prizes for anyone predicting a last-minute rush, if even. There're new rumours of us and Bordeaux's Ciani. Hmph. What. Ev. Er.

Oh yeah - has anyone seen those stories about Adebayor? Funny that. Makes me happy.

Alright. Gonna go watch Match of the Day for the 3rd time, just to watch the best parts of our win, and to also wince again at Chamakh's open goal Miss of the Day. Ciao.

Who Would've Thought

Funny situation, isn't it? We're a top English club, with top-level ambitions, and one week into the new season, we're still up shit creek on the goalkeeping and defending fronts. As far as goalkeepers are concerned, our fate is tied up in the hands of a few people: Shay Given and Mark Hughes. Now, is it me, or does the situation suck? Arsenal. Our fate in their hands. Oh well. I suppose when we've got Uncle Scrooge as our manager/accountant, this is what happens.

Manciti have a Shay Given to throw away (and not to us), and we've got to literally grovel for a Mark Schwarzer. Sweet.

So our ultra-low in self-esteem goalkeeper Manuel Almunia will start against Blackpool, backed up by an insanely optimistic Lukascz Fabianski. Even sweeter.

As far as our defenders go, there's some talk linking us with some French Squillaci guy. First things first: the only Squillaci/Schillaci I know is Italian, goes by a dog first name, and is probably now 50 years old. Second, we've been linked to every other defender out there, so until he puts on his Arsenal shirt, I ain't going be bothered with this.

Oh yeah, there's the news that Nasri's out for a month or so. No surprises, and at least we'll have a reasonably comfortable (touch wood) run while he's out. Surely we can deal with Blackpool, Blackburn, Bolton, Sunderland - and one Champions League game - without him, right? Right? Right?!! OK, fine...

Not looking so far, Blackpool boss Ian Holloway's in the right frame of mind for Saturday's game:

"We're going to go to the Emirates and I just hope we don't get absolutely embarrassed — because that could easily happen."

I'm not sure it could easily happen. I just hope it does. Not some 6-2 thing, but one of those 7-0, 9-0 things that Chelsea have done in the recent past. I think us fans deserve it. It's been too long since our Middlesbrough and Everton romps.

People are talking about "rushing" Cesc back for the game, given Samir's injury. I'm not too sure about the "rush" part of that. I mean, he was off to Mexico for a meaningless international, and played 45 minutes, so it won't be much of a "rush". Just put him, and get it over with. There's been too much talk of him and Spain, him and Barca, him and Pique, him and Puyol. He needs to do the business for his employers. Now.

A final note on my little Old Trafford sojourn. I was walking around, and looking at these shirts that I could not at first comprehend: "Chicharito". Number 14. Took me a while, wondering why people were wearing the name of a dorito on their backs. So now I know. Javier Hernandez is Chicharito, or as I am told, "Little Pea", coz of his green eyes. Funny. Good thing he doesn't have dark brown eyes. He'd be little shit or something.

Anyhows, after that initial thought, I was brought back to a point I'd made earlier before. About getting a good, one-word Spanish/Portugese name. That's what Carlos Vela needs. He could indeed be "Little Shit", but so long as it sounds good (most things do in Spanish), very few people out there are going to realise, and I'm sure a Little Shit will score more goals than a Vela.

Till tomorrow then. When we'll unveil a new defender and a new goalkeeper. Quite why it's so difficult for Schwarzer to get over here is unclear to me. Maybe I could help:

- From Craven Cottage , walk to Kingwood Road (SW6) Stop: FL

- Take Bus 430 towards South Kensington. Stop there.

- Use the South Kensington Underground station. Take the Piccadilly Line towards Cockfosters

- Stop at Holloway Road

- Walk to Arsenal FC (Emirates Stadium)

Maximum travel time: 1 hour 17 minutes. We all do it. It's not too difficult, and Mark Hughes has nothing to do with it.

Till tomorrow.

Theatre of Dreams?

Had a pretty nice evening out at Old Trafford last night. One would've hoped that Newcastle would make a better meal of it, but Man U were able to stroll through at third gear against a mediocre Championship team lacking any real quality or intent. It was nice though to see Alan Smith back at Old Trafford, and it was nice to see and hear the fans give him a good welcome.

Same cannot be said of Joey Barton. Why the hell do we have to endure another season of the thug? Wasn't he last seen serving consecutive life sentences for being so ugly? Not to mention repugnant and utterly useless as a professional footballer? He's even gone and gotten himself a 70's style moustache. Really adds to that shit-I-hate-your-face look.

Before getting to the news of the day, a few words on Old Trafford itself.

Nice. Quantum leap from Anfield.

Case in point: match day, everyone just wants to go the club store, right? Grab a souvenir if it's your first time? At the Emirates, yes. No problems there. Great store. Easy to get around, even with a couple of thousand fans milling about.

Same too at OT. Great stuff too, just walking through. I stress: I did not buy anything. I've added enough to Sir's kitty with my match ticket. God forbid what I'd do with any Man U things about the house, apart from burn them when I'm feeling shitty after a hiding from Man U.

Anyway. Anfield? Tried to, but that little shack for a store? Small little thing, which had a line of some 100 yards (metres?) just to get in. Sad. So we gave it a pass, of course. Kinda sad.

But more on the Theatre of Dreams. Did anyone know that they serve Singha at the club? Funny. So I had Carlsberg in a plastic bottle at Anfield - but skipped the Singha at Old Trafford. More importantly, I suppose, I had a pretty good seat, and must admit the home atmosphere at the stadium was pretty neat too. The walk out from the tunnel to the middle of pitch is something especially nice.



I'm not going to bother with any talk of the game, but here're a couple of other pics for the few Man U-likers out there. Anyone??

Two here to get used to: Barton challenge, shit face, yellow card:





Hey look - a Nani corner. Quite a few there were that night...



By the way, sitting there in my seat, I saw these anti-racism things going round, about how we should eradicate it from the face of English football, how anyone caught slagging anyone off on racist terms would be expelled from the stadium, etc etc etc. OK, fine.

But...

Is it me or is it not at these stadiums that you get the vilest bile spewed in all other forms, accents, and slangs? Race is OB, but it must be alright to have a whole stadium shout out in joyous unison: WANKER! WANKER! WANKER! (Good thing little Arsewiper probably couldn't figure out what it was all about). It must also be alright for a whole section of Old Trafford to slag off Chris Foy (for those unaware, the ref at the Newcastle game, and, unfortunately, a Merseysider) as: "YOU SCOUSE BASTARD, YOU SCOUSE BASTARD, YOU SCOUSE BASTARD!"

I suppose in the latter example, it must be fine since it's one white guy slagging off another white guy on the basis of his origins, accent, whatever. Kinda cute, that. Just can't have people of different skin colours doing the same.

Just cut it all out, okay? There are children around! Ha...

On the Arse front, the only thing of note happening relates to goalkeepers.

Almunia: feeling kinda isolated, unwanted, discarded.
Fabianski: feeling kinda isolated, unwanted, discarded.
Schwarzer: feeling like he wants to be at the Arse.
Given:feeling kinda isolated, unwanted, discarded.

Throw it all in a bowl, mix well, stick your hand in, and wait a week. Then we'll see who's at Arsenal, Fulham and Manciti in a bit.

One version of the merry-go-round has Schwarzer coming to Arse, Given to Fulham. Is it me, or does that seem like us getting the wrong end of the stick? Maybe it's just me.

Okay then. This seems to be it. I'm going to log off till Friday, turn on the computer again then, and hope to see some news on a goalkeeping signing. Ciao.

Review: Liverpool 1 - Arsenal 1

Well, the first review of the season, brought to you straight from the lion's den of Anfield.

And what can you say? Great result - lousy (but hilarious) way of getting it, and all in all, a good enough one point for a tricky first fixture of the season. Would've been nice to have a West Brom and 6-0, but I suppose even then, as we'd done in recent seasons past, we might just have limped to a desultory 1-0 home win. Anyways:

The first half was pretty decent. We started well, the away supporters were on song in the Anfield Road stand (where I was, except that I was smack in the middle of Pool supporters, praying for my life and lives of my family), and the Pool fans really didn't have much to shout about. With a couple of minutes to go before half time, I trot off for an early toilet break, and lo and behold, Anfield erupts in an almighty roar - you knew something was up, and it wasn't a Liverpool goal. Arsenal perhaps? I finish off asap, rush back onto the stands, and right below me - is Koscielny in a heap, and the entire stadium venting the vilest of bile at Sagna, Koscielny and the Arsenal supporters nearby. Oh well. Junior Arsewiper tells me a Pool player (he could not see) with four letters in his name was sent off. Kuyt? Cole? Didn't dare ask anyone around me, lest I give away a little smile/smirk in reply.

Half time, and we look comfortable. On top, man up, sitting pretty.

Second half. And it falls apart. Typical that we let in the goal from a sloppy pass out of the danger area from Arshavin. Who had a horrid horrid game he had. Lazy, clueless, just nowhere. He the man who's scored 5 at Anfield?

If there's nothing worse than falling behind to Liverpool, it's falling behind to a goal from David Ngog of all people, and a belter at the near post. Should Almunia have done better? Perhaps. His dive was pretty pathetic. But what can you say.

From then on, for some unknown reason, Liverpool with 10 men pile on the pressure. On us. With 11, who should be piling it on ourselves. This, I suppose, is what you get when you have nobody on the pitch as captain. A real captain, to lead by example, slap a few people. Pardon the lingo, but who the f__ do we have as captain? Almunia. He, who most people would rather not even see on the pitch, and would only begrudgingly accept as the better option than Fabianski.

So we labour on, searching for something, anything. Couple of minutes left, and right below us - it happened in such slow motion that even I didn't realise it was a goal - Reina gets what he deserved. Yessiree. I believe in magic, I believe in Karma, and Reina's assholic display with Cesc in his World Cup celebrations have borne great Arsenal fruit. Twat.

You could never tire of watching that goal. A thing of beauty. Thanks, my Spanish mate.

As for individual performances, a couple of standouts: Vermaelen/Koscielny were pretty decent. Sagna was great watching marauding down the right. It's so much better watching it live, when you actually see his work rate up close. Wilshere was excellent for the time he was on.

Elsewhere, Chamakh had nothing to work on, for lack of anything worthwhile from Nasri or the flanks. Arsh was a waste of space, and Diaby? Well, again, the great thing about actually being there is that you can see up close the frustration that people like Sagna had. I tell you, it's a left-over French thing. How many times did I see Sagna throw his hands up in frustration. You could almost hear the cuss and the pfffft.

As far as first games go, I'll take this any time. There was always the danger of new manager euphoria getting Pool through, of us being jaded, of us feeling the effects of being Song-less, RVP-less and Cesc-less. In his 10-15 minutes on the pitch, you could see the added quality that RVP brings. Bring on Blackpool.

A coupld of last words on Anfield itself. Maybe the minuses first. For sure, this is a stadium stuck in the 1970's. Decrepit, creaking at the seams, and even Arsewiper Jr asked why there weren't any jumbotron video screens. I wonder too. Even Highbury had them. They'll have to move out, and soon. Nothing around the stadium seems to be made out for the 21st century.

But the pluses. My word. The atmosphere and the noise. Now I know what Anfield is all that it's made out to be. Scary? Intimidating? Overwhelming? All of the above? I mean, when Torres came on - the roar was like nothing I'd heard before. Having been at Highbury, I can safely say that even there, at a smaller and more intimate stadium, there was nothing quite like it. We've got quite a way to go to replicate it. Of course, it helps that the Scousers are a bunch of raving lunatic fans, but hey, I suppose it really does work as the 12th player. (Or 11th as it was on Sunday). I'm off to Old Trafford tonight, so let's see what it's really like there as well.

So my hat's off to the Pool. A couple of pics courtesy of the Arsewiper then.



This the arrival of the away bus. You gotta wonder. In the stands, you'll hear the worse of the worst expletives directed at them, but up close, all they want to do is take a picture of 'em? Anyhows, I did manage a few peeks at Theo and the Arsh at least.

Speaking of the Arsh. Here he is at full trot. Probably the most energetic he looked all day.

Here's a little rare RVP sighting too, at warm up:



Of course, my favourite moment:


As for the game itself, two of my more favouriter pics:

That's it I suppose. A good day out in all senses, and here's to our first home game next weekend. Good and bad, I'll be watching it in the comfort of my sofa in front of the telly. Ciao.

Dispatches from the Edge

At last. Internet access. Reliable internet access. I've been away from this for two weeks, trekking in the remotest regions of England, at times, cut off from the all news related to football, the Premier League, even Arsenal.

Alas, I come back, two weeks later. And what? Still no goalkeeper. Nothing in the form of worthy transfer gossip. Zip. Three days to go to Liverpool, and all we have to talk about is Cesc coming in to London for his photo shoot, Wenger saying he will be short for the first game of the season, and him flying off again to Mexico for one of many meaningless mid-week international friendlies. It's completely f-ed up, pardon me. All the talk about him having a post-World Cup break, needing a rest, and then he flies off half-way round the world for an international friendly. Anyway.

Oh yes, there was the matter of his little statement on Barca and all that.

The way I read it, it sucks. Way sucks, and can only be seen as a precursor to an inevitable departure next summer. I mean, let's look at this systematically.

"Firstly I would like to apologise to all the Arsenal fans for not speaking sooner about my future but I have not known what I was going to do until this moment."

What? Screw me. He didn't know what he was going to do till now? Well, looks like Puyol and Co. were spot on then. Ah well. Now we know right?

"I cannot deny that joining a club like Barcelona was not an attractive move for me. This was the club where I learnt my football, it is my home town where my friends and family are and a club where I have always dreamed of playing. There are not many players in this world who would not want to play for Barcelona."

Not sure about you, but methinks the double negative was used wrongly in the first sentence. Gotta feel sorry for Arsenal's Spanish translators.

"I have had many conversations with Arsène Wenger both in person and over the phone over the last few months and although the content of those conversations will remain private, the conclusion is that Barcelona have had two formal offers rejected by Arsenal."

Two formal offers? Well, I only thought there was one. Indeed then, one wonders why it wasn't taken. Probably not nearly high enough, damn bankrupt cheapskates.

"I am a professional and I fully understand that it is Arsenal's prerogative not to sell me."

Still no mention of him actually wanting to stay. It's just the club's prerogative. No mention to of his being club captain.

"I owe a lot to the Club, manager and the fans and I will respect their decision and will now concentrate on the new season ahead with Arsenal."

See? It was the club's decision that he stay. Not his. No thanks dude. Makes me feel really happy now.

"I can assure all the fans that now the negotiations have ended I will be 100 percent focused on playing for Arsenal."

The "negotiations" finished long long ago. But you only came out now? Yes, yes. Your last sentence keeping your Barca option way open really reassures me. Thanks.

"I am an Arsenal player and as soon as I step out on to the pitch, that is the only club I will be thinking about."

Uh huh. How about when you step off it, in between games, at half time, when your team needs a right kick up the arse. Where will your head be?

"I am looking forward to the start of the season and putting this speculation behind me."

Thanks, and may this be the last season Arse fans have to be put through this demeaningful, shameful exercise in literally making us beg. I mean, let's face it. What would you prefer: finish fourth, and have our pride intact, or third and be stepped all over by Barca, our captain...

Whatever the case, let's be clear: Cesc himself ain't ever going to be the defining condition to us winning the league or not. So why put ourselves through this?

Wonder if the club shop could do up some statistics in Excel - just totting up how many new #4 Cesc shirts they've sold so far. That should be interesting. (Which reminds me, I've got meself a RVP #10 one - that should last me longer than the other).

Final point then: it seems this has all become a strict, professional, commerical exchange: Cesc sitting put for one more year of his contract only because we are loath to sell. So let's take it from there. We pay you good money, you put in the performances. No love given, none lost. Come next summer, we get good money, and take the team forward. RVP for Captain.

With nothing to report on transfers, all sorts of depressing news with Cesc, I suppose the only things I can add relate to the Arsewiper's recent tour of the Emirates a few days ago. Mighty fun that was. Photos forthcoming, but let's just say that heading into the changing room, walking through the players tunnel into the dugouts...that's was really sweet.

Got some good news too. The Arsewiper will be reporting from Anfield on Sunday. Yessiree, we got our tickets. Can't wait. And then Old Trafford on Monday. At last, the season has begun.

Cheerio. Not sure if anything's going to happen in the next two days. Mark Schwarzer running away from home perhaps?