Basically, it goes like this.
HOW TO BEAT ARSENAL F.C.
1. You'll score at least one. You can be pretty sure of that, no matter how crap your attack is.
2. Key then, is to defend. Really quite simple.
3. Stick four at the back, two as cover, and have your attacking midfielders run around like the blazes.
4. Give Arsene Wenger a couple of plastic water bottles. The minute he chucks one, you know you're on track. Keep up whatever you're doing.
5. Watch either of: Nasri, Rosicky, Chamakh or Arshavin. You'll never get all four playing well at the same time. After about 15 minutes, you'll know who not to waste your time on. Start with Arshavin. That usually takes care of itself.
6. Get them from minutes 30-60. Try your luck. Around then, they'll give you one even if you didn't really ask.
7. Defend your boxes well. They'll never score from outside the box. Haven't done so this season, probably won't do soon any time soon.
Finally:
8. Give Wenger a good reason. The pitch, barometric pressure, parking around Old Trafford, lousy hotdogs, a dreary gift shop, whatever. He usually likes them pretty much. (Note: logic doesn't really matter. Take the pitch thing. Old Trafford: crap, so they lose. Emirates: brilliant: they still lose often enough).
Hope the email never got round to Tony Pubis and Stoke.
Hey. You know what? If results go our way this weekend, we could still go back on top. What larks then eh? All will be well again.
Bloody naif I am.
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