Review: Manchester United 1 - Arsenal 0

See below. Multiply by 2.

In short, we were robbed. We were robbed by a team that on the night, showed they did not deserve to be in the Champions League semi-finals. As fans, we waited and paid (more than money, in the emotional commitment) to watch Arsenal in the most important game of our season so far. What we got was a under-motivated Middlesbrough.

The boss has to take quite a bit of flak. How Song and Diaby managed to remain for all 90 minutes is beyond me. If he was going to replace striker for (ineffective) striker, why wait till 83 minutes to put on Eduardo? He should've taken Ade off in the first place, with a Bent Nick that at least tried, and put on Eduardo in place of Diaby.

As for Song/Diaby, well, let's just say they deserve to be nowhere near an Arsenal shirt henceforth. An off day is fine. Chronic incompetence (Song) and laziness (Diaby) is another thing.

Le Boss says a different Arsenal will play on Tuesday. Can't see how. Transfer window is closed.

From a perfectly neutral point of view, our chances of going through are slim (at best). We won't win by 2 on this show. Anything other than a 1-0, and we're out. 1-0, and we go to penalties. And even then, I don't think we're even good for 50-50. So do the sums.

I honestly woke up this morning wondering if it was all a bad dream...

Shall I try the player ratings?

Almunia 9 -God bless the man

Sagna 6.5 - Tried his best

Toure 6.5 - Ditto

Silvestre 3 - Man U laughing their heads off in the changing room

Gibbs 6.5 - Tried his best too

Song 0 - Wasted space

Diaby 0 - Wasted space

Nasri 6 - Wrong position, had nothing to work with from the two above

Cesc 6.5 - Could do little with the kind of support offered by the two above

Theo 5 - Did he even play? Provided nothing, offered nothing

Ade 3- The worst of Ade in the most important of games

A word for Bent Nick: at least he broke a sweat trying.

Half-Time Review: Manchester United 1 - Arsenal 0

I started this at the 37th minute of the game. I really needed it. Had not seen such a performance in a long time. Pardon the lingo, but we’d till then looked a bunch of lazy, under-motivated fucks. Either that, or it was the worst case of the chokes in Champions League semi-final history. Absolutely unforgivable. Over-matched in all areas, and even after 37 minutes, we could’ve been 3 or 4 down, if not for the heroics of Almunia. I would've been ashamed even if this was a Championship team.

It was a case of all the wrong players (e.g. Silvestre, Diaby, Song), playing in all the wrong positions, and clearly in the wrong team. Lazy arse #1: Diaby. Incompetent arse #1: Song. Lazy arse #2: Adebayor. For god’s sake. Invisible man: Theo, whom the team could not find if their life depended on it.

At half-time, and I am at a loss for words. I am ashamed to be associated with such a display. Lacking in any pride, desire, competence or even interest in the game. Pathetic. At 1-0, we should count our lucky stars. It could’ve and should’ve been more embarrassing. Not sure what Arsene’s going to do at half-time, but he may just need 10 new players. If we can just keep it to 1-0, I think he would’ve done something.

The main problems as I see it are: (a) Diaby and Song. Useless as help for a sad defence, worse as creative/attacking options. A waste of two players; (b) Ade’s complete isolation, and laziness; (c) Silvestre. All in all, what we have now is what could’ve happened at Anfield minus Arshavin, his four goals and Pool’s crap defence; i.e. pray we don’t get whipped 4-0.

More later? I wouldn't count on it. I may be lying in a pool of blood with slit wrists.

Mastercard

Messi: crap

Henry: crap

Alex Hleb losing his composure in front of goal: Priceless!

That sums up the first semi I suppose. Barca not able to conjure up more than repeated runs into the box, full of trickery, short passes, and nothing much else. Founds familiar, actually. (At least when it's Arse, you can count on Toure or Gallas punting a long ball into the penalty box every now and then when we get in that position).

Chelsea, more content to just soak it all up, and should be kicking themselves for not taking an away goal. They just went out and decided to strangle the day lights out of a one-dimensional Barca. As it stands, methinks Barca should still be in the driver's seat. Chelsea will be forced to do something at Stamford Bridge, and that should suit Barca just fine.

As for the more important semi, who really knows. You can bet Arse won't do a Chelski, and Man U probably will have a little more imagination than the play-acting ponces of Barca. I really can't take idiots like that Dani Alves who clutches at his ankle like his foot has been shot off by a shot-gun, only to get up and running again in 2 minutes.

On this form, wouldn't mind a Barca final - should we get there of course. Whatever the case, we're gonna enjoy the game. The pressure's on Man U. I'm just happy we have two more games to watch at the end of the season. More than one can say of Liverpool.

Tonight I sleep easy. Wonder what it's going to be like tomorrow night.

Review: Arsenal 2 - Middlesbrough 0

It's been a while...for all sorts of reasons.



But to the game. An extremely straight-forward, at times pedestrian, quite often arrogant display, particularly after Cesc's second goal. It was one of those games. Of course, we took our foot off the pedal after the second goal, and simply coasted along. You sensed that if we really wanted, if we really wanted the goals, Ade, Bent Nick at least could have had at least two each. But we saved the oxygen, with Wednesday in mind even before the chaps trotted onto the pitch at 1.30pm GMT.



Cesc's finishing for his two goals were quite astonishing, something which we had not seen from in a long long times - perhaps since the beginning of last season. But at last, since his last gasp header against Sunderland (who would've thought!) the boy's gone and scored. That should do his confidence some good, and it was nice to see Le Boss taking it easy and taking him off with 20 minutes to go.



Before I get to the player ratings, a few other minor words: First, Boro so suck. We were lucky we could play at 60% and still make it comfortable. Almost too comfortable at times. Second, you could why Aliadiere so so sucks as well. It's sad for the boy. Truly out of his league, and it's a wonder why nobody's figured it out yet.



Almunia 7.5 - Really had nothing to do, and did well to save from Boro's one player of worth.



Gibbs 7.5 - Does seem to get more and more confident. Good for him. He may just slowly make himself an established replacement - much like what Djourou has done.



Eboue 7 - So so performance, but his was no doubt a super pass to set up Cesc for his second. Again, has shown that right back is his better position.



Toure 7 - Nothing spectacular, and at times seemed to get too carried away with taking it easy for Wednesday.



Silvestre 6.5 - Off to the reserves you go.



Denilson 7 - Quiet, dependable, allowed Cesc the freedom to boss the midfield.



Nasri 6.5 - No quiet his best performance, putting him in the centre. But never lacked energy. Should be fine back on the right for Man U.



Cesc 7.5 - Had an easy time. As much to do with the crap opposition than his own merits. But two goals is excellent. Can't say enough of the finishing.



Theo 7 - So so as well. One of the many who seemed intent on conserving his runs for Wednesday.



Arshavin 8 - I wonder why. Maybe coz he's got nothing going on midweek, but seems to be remarkably full of energy and invention. Boy, have we missed someone like him.



Bent Nick 7- Not bad. The usual running about, and gave himself good chances every now and then. Should've gotten himself at least a goal.

To watch Le Boss' interview following the game, click here.


Alright then. To Old Trafford we go. God knows what the hell's gonna happen. On the one hand, they're good enough to go 2 down to Spurs (of all people) at home by half time. By good enough to come back and hit them for 5 too. Can't wait in any case - if not for the simple fact that we're fast running out of games till the end of the season. Just what are we going to do???

Finally - has anybody seen Eduardo? Earth calling Eduardo...

An Arsewiping Absence

OK, OK...the Arsewiper has been away. A combination of real life, and travelling to places where ready internet access was an issue.

But quite a few things have obviously transpired in the last couple of days, and I should start with the earlier (and much happier) events at the Emirates. 3-0 to the Arse against a really weak Villareal that without Marcos Senna, would make Fulham look like Champions League material. Without Bobby Pires, and Villareal would make Boro look like Champions League material too.

As I'd hoped, we got the early goal from an in-form Theo, and we really should have had the game wrapped up by the first half. But, we had to wait till the hour, and I suppose that's not too bad all in all. Of course, Captain Adams had things to say earlier about our defence, and we can only be thankful that Villareal did not really threaten to do too much with our make-shift defence. But speaking of defences, I wouldn't really characterise them as make-shift. First, Eboue has played at right-back in times past. In fact, I'd say that was his better position, where his failings in the attacking half didn't quite show up as often. Second, we had Kolo. Third, we had Silvestre, who really should be seen as a strong and experienced replacement. So, we can't really keep going on about our defence...

Which of course brings me to Saturday's semi. All things must come to an end, and for us, it really isn't that bad that it came to and end at a semi-final at Wembley. It just sucks as always that it was against Chelski. And F-!#$%&*! * Fidier Frogba.

I'm not going to go into those painful events of Saturday into any unnecessarily gory details, except:

(1) The starting line up was first to strike me. Now, I was watching the game with German commentary, so I could understand zip. But why Arshavin and Nasri didn't start - only Le Boss will know.

(2) After the starting line-up, the next thing to strike was the absolutely crap playing surface at Wembley. That was in all honesty, totally disgraceful. There is nothing the FA can say to defend it. It was simply pathetic. Even if we had won, I'd say the same thing, and say that there's no way a final should be played on that surface. Hell, I don't think teams in the Championship play on cow patches like that week-in, week-out. On a surface like that, there would be no way in hell Arse could play. I know Le Boss and Sir have had their fair share of comments, and there will be some who will say that it's all sour grapes. To that, let's just say that the English FA have seriously embarassed themselves. If this is what the world's oldest knock-out competition can offer at its latter stages, let's stick to playing semis at neutral grounds like Villa Park and finals in Wales.

That being said, the two goals we shipped were just as embarassing. Silvestre was made to look like he was friggin' invisible for the second. I won't put too much blame of Fabianski's shoulders. He shouldn't even have been put in that position. Can't believe it, but fingers crossed that we have Djourou back for tomorrow.

So tomorrow. Pool. Really can't tell we can pick ourselves up for this. I have my doubts. We have never as a team been good enough at picking ourselves up. Hopefully, Arshavin will start, and add some spark to what will be a tired team. Ade and RVP are out - which really isn't that bad a thing. Despite his goal, Ade wasn't really convincing against Villareal, and was made to look crap by Chelski and the grass at Wembley. RVP needs a rest, and we can always count on his groin to help him out there.

That leaves us Eduardo and Bent Nick - who really should be two guys ready to give it a go. With Stevie G out of the Pool squad, we can only be slightly more optimistic. So let's see.

'ere we go then!!!

Tonight's the Night. So went a much-loved Rod Stewart song. Indeed, if you knew the lyrics, you'd say exactly the same thing. Anyways...

It should really be a straight-forward evening, but the stakes are so high, I really can't say hand-on-heart that we'll put in a worthy performance. Think about it. After this, it's Chelski on Saturday, then Pool on Tuesday next. That's the crux of our season all in six days. What we do tonight could so set the stage for either a flat finish or a finish to remember.

More on Chelski later. For now, the early goal will be key. If it's ours, then I say it's game over. Villareal will come at us, and without Senna, they're going to be easy meat on the counter, and when they tire. If it's theirs, then it's all bets off, and sweaty-palms time. Since we're at home, our Ade's on form and Cesc is back, I see us good for at least a goal. Whatever the case, it's going to be tense. Though I'd take a listless 0-0 anytime! (Then again, 0-0 can't be listless, since it would mean spending the last 15 minutes praying Villareal don't get a sucker goal).

Le Boss has described it well (though maybe somewhat circuitously):

“And I think their approach will be the same as they have in the first leg. They will play with the advantage of the first result, meaning they are in a position where they have to score. It should be an open game because we are in a position where we want to score, they are in a position where they have to score. So it will be an interesting game.”

Score, score, score, score, score. Yes, we all need to score. (See lyrics to song mentioned above).

Tony Adams has also said some strange things. Chief amongst which:

“Even though I think Arsenal will beat Villarreal 3-0 to make the semi-final I don’t see them winning the Champions League this season because this side has defensive frailties."

Thanks. I hope we win 3-0 too. Look at it this way: if we fail, I don't think it'll be for our defence. At least not now, not at this stage of the season. So long as we have our usual shooting boots on, I think we'll be good for both the Champions League and the FA Cup. So Tony, thanks. we'd have loved to have you in defence right now, but in Silvestre and Kolo, I think we should be alright.

Which brings me to Chelski. 4-4. At home. Great for the neutral, but if I were Guus, I'd be worried. That's seven goals shipped at home in the last two games. Perfect time to play them, I'd say. So if there's a team with new-found defensive frailties, it's Chelski, not us. As for Pool, to lead 2-0...see previous definition of "choke". Poor things. They had them on the ropes. But hung themselves with it. Would so rather have seen Pool go through.

On Saturday, we'll unleash Arshavin, Walcott, Ade, RVP, and perhaps even Eduardo on them, and I think we'll do just fine. What we need though, is a good result tonight.

Fingers crossed. Toes crossed. Heart pills taken. Beta-blockers ingested. Gotta stay calm.

I so need to write a positive post tomorrow. Ciao.

Spaz

#1 Spaz: Liverpool. To lose 3-1 at home to Chelski. C'mon, you can do better than that! But it just shows. All you need is to have a less than firing-on-all-cylinders Stevie G, and it all falls to bits. The defending on the two corners were truly awful. Kinda reminded me of ourselves last season - when all the goals we ever conceded at one point were all from set pieces. So it looks like it's Chelski in Semi #1, versus:

Conquerors of #2 Spaz: Bayern Munich. 4 down at half time? At one point, it was so one-sided it looked like some pre-season friendly. Barca were so far superior, it was embarassing. Earth calling Franck Ribery: time to call in your chips and move on for €248 million to Madrid. Karl-Heinz Rummenigge called that first half the worst performance in Bayern history. That's pretty funny.

Spaz #3: This story - linking Le Boss with a move to...Bayern! Cue: *raucous laughter*!! Gotta love these journos.

Anyways, back to more important things, like Mohawk Billy's injury. He's out for the REST OF THE SEASON!! *shock* *gasp* "What a disaster!!", screams the media world. Er...the rest of the season is like, 5 more weeks. Rosicky has taken longer to recover from a shaving cut. You can just imagine Adebayor getting a stomach ache on 20 May, and the tabloids screaming: "Ade to miss rest of the season in massive blow to Arsenal". Bollocks.

More worrying is Gael, who's gonna be out for two weeks or so. That, we will miss. But! The media will say, 2 weeks is nearly...HALF...of the remaining season. Oh, the sorrow.

Let's just hope Eduardo gets better from whatever it is now, and RVP kicks back in. Methinks we may see a little bit of a dip in performance. Heading from Europe to the KC Stadium (or whatever heck it's called) is always going to be difficult. You can just imagine..Arshavin's probably the only one jumping around like a kid waiting to play.

So let's keep fingers crossed. 1-0 to the Arse. Elsewhere, my money will be on Blackburn holding Pool, Bolton holding Chelski, and Villa-Everton...who cares, any result will be great.

Happy Easter to all you Arsewatchers. The Arsewiper's gonna be taking a break. But I'm praying for an internet connection somewhere....

Review: Villareal 1 - Arsenal 1

At half time, while trying to take a relaxing shower, I was already formulating the blog for today: nightmare, disinterested and disjointed were terms that came to mind. In a first half where we were as bad as I've seen since our 3-0 whipping by Citeh, we were lucky to get in at only 1 down. We seemed tired, lacking in ideas and motivation, and almost lackadaisical. (Is that how you spell it?)

Of course, Marcos Senna scored an inevitable screamer. It could've been two, when Clichy cleared off the line, and too often, our defence looked dodgy. Then there were the injuries to Almunia (who has developed a nasty habit of silly runs out of the box) and Gallas. While it looked all doom and gloom at half time, on hindsight, the substitutions and half-time were the turning points. Djourou turned in an excellent performance, and Fabianski too looked in supreme confidence - making two great saves immediately after coming on.

Thank god football is a game of two halves, and for 30 minutes after coming back, we looked nearly back to normal. Trying hard, but still finding it hard to break down a pretty decent Villareal. Then literally out of the blue (TV missed it!), Ade scores a miracle goal. It was the perfect positive interpretation of his frequent flying octopus act, and my word, was it something.
It's only been a couple of hours since the match, but I've watched that goal like 203 times already.

Have never understood why it's called a bicycle kick. I can see the similarities, but nobody rides a bike upside down, no?

Before I get to the player ratings then, a little word on the silly yellows we picked up. We were clumsy all night. Picked up four, when Villareal had none. Just shows. Cesc's was totally unnecessary - he should've known, nobody falls for that free-kick routine anymore; Song was his usual ambly clumsy self; Nasri's was for talking too much; and Ade's was the referee's fault. Fingers crossed these don't come back and haunt us later (if we get there of course).

Almunia 6 - Silly injury to have picked up. Twit.

Sagna 7 - Had a useful night creating all sorts of chances on the right. Seemed the most vaguely interested in the first half.

Toure 6.5 - Good game, but could've done better getting the defence together in the dodgier first half.

Gallas 6.5 - Coincidence that we got tighter after he left? Who knows.

Clichy 7 - Does he ever get tired?

Song 5 - Song sang from his usual hymn sheet. Lazy, clumsy, gave away needless fouls. Aarggh!!

Denilson 6.5 - Like Song, slipped into his usual. Efficient, nothing spectacular, but nothing really telling.

Fabregas 7 - Not his best by far, but still the most visionary. Hey, it's 3 for 3 in assists for Ade.

Walcott 6.5 - Great runs, tormented that side of Villarreal, but nothing really threatening came of it.

Nasri 6 - Playing behind Ade doesn't seem to be his best position. Seemed lost at times.

Adebayor 8 - Nothing much in the first half, but after that - what a menace. Super goal of course, but Villareal must be so sick of the non-stop harrying they got from the Octo from Togo.

Fabianski 7.5 - Never really threatened, and look confident enough to stamp his authority.

Djourou 7.5 - A good run from the young man. With him and Silvestre back, we may not even miss Mohawk Billy.

So it's 1-1 that we take to the Emirates. An excellent result from a far from pleasing performance. I suppose it's exactly such performances we need to get to Rome. Not exactly top-notch, but it's the result. Far better than Man U in any case!!

Finally, a word for Bobby Pires. Coincidence that we actually looked fragile for the last 10-15 minutes that he came on? He'll always have that influence with his excellent sense of passing into space. But alas, he will never have more than 15-30 minute appearances in him. Best of luck with Villareal. Only not at the Emirates in 2 weeks.

Oh yes - must say something about Marcos Senna. That was one super performance. He had/has everything. Everytime he had the ball, you feared something was going to happen. If he weren't like geriatric, I'd say SIGN HIM NOW! We need Senna behind Cesc, not that Song person.

Choke

Choke
Pronunciation: \chōk\

transitive verb: to check or block normal breathing of by compressing or obstructing the trachea or by poisoning or adulterating available air

intransitive verb: to lose one's composure and fail to perform effectively in a critical situation

In other words, Aston Villa, and very very nearly, Man U. I must say I really had mixed feelings watching that game on Sunday. For 80 minutes, Man U were choking, trudging towards losing their 3rd game on the trot, and staring the prospect of implosion right in the eye. I quite enjoyed it, of course. The thought of Man U losing 5 for the season, the same as us!

But alas, it was never to happen. Overtaken as it was by an even bigger choke. That it came from Villa also gave me immense joy of course. So we're now 6 points ahead, when it could have been 8 behind had Villa not (CHOKED!) with 10 minutes to go against Stoke. (Hey, it rhymes!) How can Villa outplay Man U for a good 75 minutes and then just...choke? Oh well. That's why they're fifth. Heh heh. Touch wood.

Ah, the joys. Unfortunately, Chelsea didn't so we aren't any closer to them.

Before I get to tonight's game, a word of apology for missing the review for the game against Citeh. Had guests in the Arsewiper household, and couldn't get a glimpse of the game apart from the first Ade goal. What can one say though: two assists and two goals from our previously missing Cesc and Ade. Nice. It was one of those thoroughly professional and efficicient performances we've missed. Early goal in each half, to dispel any nerves or doubts, and to then coast through with a big game in mind today.

I must say it was interesting that Le Boss started with Cesc, Song and Denilson. Apart from Cesc's obvious impact, I must give Song credit for a really sublime pass to Arshavin at the end of the first half, from which the Arsh nearly scored. Despite all his faults, he does have an occasional (read: rare) magic touch, and this one was a gem. It was like this flick with his right foot, with him facing the wrong way, perfectly into the path of Arsh in the box. Yum.

As for tonight. Bobby Pires has in recent days stoked the flames by being all reminiscing and bitchy about Le Boss, and in particular about how he was treated by being substituted in Paris against Barca:

“Leaving Arsenal was the most difficult decision of my career. I was lucky enough to be an Arsenal player for six years and I wanted to finish my career there."

“But what happened in the final against Barcelona made me feel that Wenger didn’t have a lot of confidence in me any more."

“This was the worst moment of my career, that’s for certain, what happened in Paris in the final.”

You know, I love Bobby Pires. God knows, there have been many a time when I wished we had Bobby back in the team. Even with his slowish big-balled running. He was right there in all our best times, and best teams, but why didn't he just take the damn 1 year extension to his contract? That's the first thing. If Dennis could see through his career at Highbury content with the occasional hero's reception to a substitution, why couldn't Bobby?

Second, our goddamn goalkeeper got sent off. Someone had to come off. Now let's look at the line-up that night in Paris. Who could Le Boss have taken off instead?

Eboue - No way we'd have taken off a defender
Kolo - Ditto
Sol - Ditto
Arsely Hole - Ditto
Hleb - Perhaps, but he did/does have younger legs
Cesc - No way
Gilberto - No way
Freddie L - Perhaps
Henry - Yeah, right

So there. Bobby's basically saying it should have been Freddie instead of him. And maybe since the final was in Paris, he should've been kept on just for that. Yeah right. Look, let's say it was a toss up between Freddie and Bobby. Managers have to make decisions, and I stick by his. For Bobby to raise it all over again is just sad.

Le Boss has said the right things in response:

“He wanted to go because he wanted a longer contract than one year and you know our policy."

“So I believe that he decided to go. He was aware that he would not definitely be automatically first choice. I can understand that. He was at the stage of his career where he wanted to play regularly and, at 33, to come in and out, it’s difficult. Don’t forget, he's almost 36 now."

“But he is someone who I would have loved to have stayed longer. He was such an example, him and Dennis Bergkamp. They were quite similar. You give them a ball and they could have stayed out there on the training pitch the whole day.”

The reference to Dennis is perhaps cheeky. I hope so. What he didn't need to do was justify his decision, which he'd done earlier:

"But I had to take one offensive player out without taking Henry out because we had to play on the counter-attack. You keep your strongest, quickest player in the team on the pitch.

"Maybe [I regret it], it’s very difficult to say. We were left with Hleb and Fabregas, who were offensive, Ljungberg as well – then Gilberto. We had already one defender left in there."

Anyway, enough of this. The game proper, and of course RVP's still injured. But we do have Cesc, Ade, Walcott and Nasri, so it should be just nice. I feel good about the game. All we need is a goal, and I think on current form, we really should be good for one if not two. So long as we don't lapse into being lax. I don't think we will. The players will know that this is a super chance to get it right and get to Rome. So fingers crossed.

As for me, the great thing is that we won't be wearing yellow. I hate it. Absolutely do. Put us in the red and white, and we'll kick anyone's ass. Even the white third kit was pretty worthwhile. Someone should do a statistical examination of how we've fared in the various away kits.

So off we go. More tomorrow - hopefully good news!

Why I Hate England

Yes, I do. But first...

Sure as the sun rises, Diaby and RVP limp back from their internationals (Diaby didn't even play!!) with injuries. I tell you - we gotta find a term for a footballing lemon. There isn't a more irritating feeling. It's like getting a really good car, but somehow, every now and then, some stupid problem crops up to just irritate the hell out of you. Could be a small problem, could be a major problem, doesn't matter. It's just irritating.

If it was a really crap player/car, then at least it wouldn't be as irritating. We'd just stick him back in the box and ship it back. (i.e. whatsisname Amaury Fishy-Fish Shop). No, it has to be people who would normally command a first-team slot. Like Diaby, like Rosicky. And...I hate to say this, like RVP.

Oh well, can't say we didn't expect it. My money's on Le Boss buying another couple of lemons ni the summer. Fingers crossed, but looks like Arshavin's even able to play through a foot split in half, so let's just make sure we don't burn out his lungs.

Now - why I hate England. I hate England because I used to absolutely love them. Yes, I was 10. 1982 - my first real World Cup, and who could forget that England team of real men, real characters, real players. That first game against France of all people - and of course, crunch time comes the crunch players: Bryan Robson scores the fastest goal in World Cup history. Who in the England team would you call a crunch player now? Stevie G? Nope. Sorry. Only works in Liverpool Red. The rest of them, I have to say, are just showy whiney dweebs (David James, Arseley Hole, Rio F) or brainless buffoons (Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney)...you get the drift. (BTW, John Terry falls into both categories).

Compare that to the 82 team that started against France in the first group game, and whipped them 3-1:

Peter Shilton, Mick Mills, Kevin Sansom, Phil Thomson, Terry Butcher, Graham Rix, Bryan Robson, Ray Wilkins, Steve Coppell, Trevor Francis, Paul Mariner

Man oh man. You see? This was team that slapped Michel Platini well and good in that French team. Now? What do we have, Platini making himself a pain in UEFA, and nobody can do anything about it.

Even four years on, we still had the likes of Shilton, Gary Stevens, Sansom, Butcher, Hoddle, Trevor Steven, Beardsley, Lineker...

Now, it's just who?

Emile Heskey. Aaron Lennon. Yay.
Glen Johnson. Joleon Lescott. Makes your loins twitch.

So I hate England. Because they can't handle the flak from their own local tabloids too. Hey, deal with it, is what I say. If you're crap, they'll tell you you're really crap. If your fans fly 5,000 miles to watch an away qualifier and boo, jolly well they've got the right to do so. They've got to find their way back, get back to a depressing job and mope while international week plays out. You? You've got a £80,000 a week wage to go back to. So deal with it.

So I hate England. Because the only thing we hear from them when they travel has to do with their WAGs.

Since Lineker's retirement, the only good thing to happen to the England team was Theo being born.

Tonight then. My fingers are crossed for Ukraine to make John Terry cry again. Probably won't happen, but that would really be nice. For Lampard AND Terry to cry, now that would make international week worthwhile.

Think I'll go home and put on my Spain jersey from EURO 2008. The one with Cesc on the back. They're the real deal now. Hell, they even spit like real men!