Review: Arsenal 3 - Chelsea 1

The.

Damn.

Monkey.

Is.

Dead.

That damn monkey that had clung to our backs all these years. Torturing us with his fingers in our ears, laughing that haughty laugh, and refusing to ever let go. Well, now he's dead. Well and truly eradicated. Euthanised in the most horrific and graphic manner.

What a beautiful day.

The way the game started though, it provided for a not-so-healthy dose of nervous energy and fear that we might just be stepping into yet another obvious Chelski trap, i.e.:

We start well, full of energy, first to most balls, decent passing, all the works, save for a meaningful shot on goal. Chelski sitting back, possibly waiting for the right moment to capitalise on their one chance. Just as the fear began to deepen, and just as I began hoping for us to get into half-time at 0-0, we eventually step it up a further gear.

1-0 Song, and nothing more than what we deserved. Great goal from Song, who never got distracted by what was a blatant foul on Cesc and obvious penalty. Sweet finish, and we're still wondering whether he's meant to be a defensive midfielder.

From then, it's half time, and we start the second like a house of fire. 7-8 minutes on, and it's 3-0. Basically from shockingly abject play by Chelski in their midfield, who had their pockets picked by Theo, RVP and Cesc. It's nice once in a while to see us humiliate them. Theo nearly flubbed his lines on the second goal, but had a thumpingly convincing finish for our third.

Arsenal, though, never really do things the easy way, and what better way to get us on the edge of our seats for the final half hour (what a bloody long half hour!) than to let in our requisite goal. Rather silly, to say the least, and the only blot in a generally decent defensive display all round. I blame Koscielny for that one.

Plaudits then. First to Wenger, for choosing Walcott over Arshavin. Theo was never at his best, but even then, did more than what we've seen from the Russian in a long long time. Kept Arsely Hole honest on the left flank too, I must say.

To RVP as well. Also not at this best, but did enough all round to cause the Chelsea defence.

And Djourou. Put in obviously to deal with the physicality of the Drogba threat, and did it superbly. The frog's obviously not at his best, but any time he plays and does not score is good enough for me.

While we bask in the glory of victory today though - and look forward to more footie in the evening - let us not forget that this would mean nothing without another similarly dedicated display tomorrow at Wigan. And in this, I'm pretty confident.

First, Rosicky, Arshavin, Chamakh, Eboue, Diaby, Squillaci should all be nice and rested, and should put in enough to put it to bed. We will have a degree of revenge to exact, given what happened last season, so let's see.

Second, Djourou looks good for another run out, but we'll have to see which of him or Koscielny needs the rest more.

Third, Fabianski had a good game confidence wise. Nothing really much to do save pick the ball out of the net with Chelski's one shot on target, so he'll be up for a proper test, if it comes.

So at 2000 hrs GMT today, I'll be a Birmingham fan. Come on!

Now let me bask for another 24 hours.

Nobody Ever Wins Before a Match...

It's Christmas Eve. Time to get it over with, and back to the good ole crunch of English football between now and the New Year.

This post, though, goes out to a good friend who's leaving the shores nearest to me right now.

In so doing, he reminded me of something about football, and its beauty, that nobody ever wins a match before it starts; and that by extension, we can all revel in the glory of optimism and being a fan before the cold reality of kick-off and 90 minutes.

He's basically right. But I'd say only 99% right.

Yes, that feeling you get before kick-off can't be beat. You're on top of the world, nervous, twitchy, whatever. It just feels pretty good. You've probably waited a whole week, and it's probably been building for a long long time. Your damn team may still lose, you may then go through 90 minutes, plus another week of depressive hell before getting that little feeling in your stomach again before the next kick-off. We're mad, but we do it.

So that's 99% of the time.

The 1%? Well, if you're an Arsenal fan, you're pretty much familiar with it these days.

It comes before a game with Chelski or Man U (or even Barca, bloody hell). You basically know what's going to happen. You don't really get that feeling anymore. (NB: I was a nervous wreck before the Partizan game, but went into the subsequent Man U game with a half-rueful, half-resigned smile). You're more hope than nerves, and that ain't good.

Maybe that's exactly what happens when our 11 take to the pitch too. They go in with that "ah, shit, we know what's gonna happen" look in their eyes, and thoughts in their heads. That's what our Captain Cesc knows, and probably what the boss knows as well.

They have one last chance to make it right on Monday. It's our first home game against the likes of Man U, Chelski, Manciti and even Liverpool and Villa this season. We've already choked and died against the lesser lights of West Brom and Newcastle. Flub our lines again...

Anyway. We can only hope. We don't get paid the wages they do. So they should bloody well go out there and take care of the business.

But I'm not getting that nervous feeling though...

A Preview Preview

It's only Thursday. The game's on Monday. And I'm struggling to find anything useful to say on the football front. So why not do a preview preview?

We've now played 17. Lost 5 already. And for those who've forgotten: it's Chelski, West Brom, Newcastle, Spurs and Man U. Funny thing. Draw those three stupid games at home - in themselves already bad results - and we'd be top of the table right now.

So the picture's crystal clear. No matter what else happens with Man U, we either win Monday or we can forget about the league. Having already lost 5, there is no way we're going to get anywhere without some kind of amazing run of games. And it will have to start with a win against Chelski.

In terms of our starting line-up, apart from Vinyl Vermaelen, we basically have our starting 14-15 ready and raring to go. No excuses, nothing. Will Cesc finally stand up? Will Arshavin finally put in an honest day's work? And will Nasri shrug off Man U as a one-off?

Honestly, who knows? I surely don't. We can only hope, and that really is all we can do. Sadly. Just as sad that as fans, we're left also hoping that Chelski continue with their indifferent form, rather than focusing on what a good day's work our own players can put in. They've had two weeks to sit on their hands and think about it, so let's see.

Elsewhere, Mario Ballotelli (who?) has won some award, and in so doing has taken a "I don't know who Jack Wilshere is" dig. Jack has said he doesn't care, and Cesc has his two-pennies worth in response. But honestly. Does anyone really care what a Mario Ballotelli has to say?

Crikey. For one, not many over at Eastlands can really be proud of what their team's like right now, and two, Ballotelli's probably bottom of the pile too, so puh-leeze. Nobody cares. Except for the British tabloid press, hungry for something to chew on other than heroic Heathrow.

On the subject of Vinyl Vermaelen, we're basically at crunch point with the Belgian. He's training again, and if it cocks up again, it's probably out for the season. Wenger:

"Thomas has been out for a long time and we are hopeful he will come back in January. He's had a few setbacks and the decider on whether he plays a part this season is now because he is practising again."

Hopefully, if he does tweak his achilles again stepping on an acorn, it will also prove to be the decider on whether we actually bring in another defender in January. Fingers crossed. Everybody - don't go near the man, and keep an eye out where he steps.

Funny thing when Wenger was looking ahead to the Chelski game. Spoke about Drogba, and this is what he said:

"He is a player I like and rate highly. You are not especially pleased he is back against you, but on the other hand we play Chelsea with their real strengths and if we beat them, it will have even more value."

Actually, if I may say so, sir. I'd rather us not play Drogba, rather us play a shit Chelski, playing like shit, than play Chelsea "with their real strengths". What "more value"? We get 4 points? Sunderland played marvellous just as Chelski were crap that evening at Stamford Bridge. 3-0. What I'd give for that same Chelski on Monday. Not the Chelski and Drogba who have basically disappeared since they beat us at the Bridge.

Knowing them though - they'll find the perfect time to wake up and win a game, finally. Prizes for guessing when?

How to Win the Champions League

I was just thinking about this the other day, as a distraction from the weather.

The one key ingredient to having any sniff of a chance in the Champions League, and especially in the knock-out rounds, is defending. Obvious, you would say. But not just any sort of defending - the sort of defending that makes your home your fortress, that makes your defence the stuff of legends. Keep a clean sheet at home, and you're more than half-way through a job well done.

So I cast my mind back to our run to the final in 2006. My, was that a thing of beauty. How many goals did we conceded enroute to the final? Two. Yes. Two. In twelve games. And what did that entail? A record 10 successive clean sheets too.

Thinking about it now makes my head ache. We're through the group stages, and we've aready let in two to the bottomest of bottom teams - Partizan Belgrade - who couldn't score squat against any other team. The nett result of conceding stupid goals against Shakhtar and Braga? A date with Barca.

Just thinking about it - and the clean sheets we kept against Madrid (twice), Juve (twice) and Villareal (twice) - and you start getting the shivers when you consider coming up against Barca again. How the world has changed. We entertained Madrid at home, travelled to Turin, and went to Villareal knowing that a clean sheet would put us through, and that was exactly what we did on all three occasions.

Of course, it's not just a case of our defenders - but the entire balance of the team.

Ah, but I'm flogging dead horses here, so I'll just stop. You get the drift.

OK elsewhere: First, Denilson on the way out? Reports here and there about him going to Wolfsburg or even Barca. Ha ha. That'd be a good one. Can't afford the 2010 Model X2, v. 2.2, settle for the 2008 No-Frills model. Shit. You could still take Cesc, you know? What? Not enough dinero from your new shirt deals??

Second, looks like ole Jack Wilshere's got himself the real makings of an All-England hero now. You know what I blame? All these British teenagers drinking too much, behaving like louts, getting pregnant at 13? I blame the damn weather. Stupid weather. 2 inches of snow, and the entire country goes chaotic for the rest of the year...

That's why Barca's so good. No snow there.

Does this not make you just a little sick?

Comments are out there from our captain - something to the effect that we're "scared of losing" against the bigger guns. Basically, that we choke when it matters. Read all the various reports on his remarks, and no matter how you see it, it dawns on you quite quickly that he's hit the nail on the head.

But that really doesn't quit convey the entire nauseating feeling that I have right now. And you know why? Here's why.

For those of us who remember, all those lovely (not-so-recent) victories over the likes of Chelski and Man U:

Arsenal 1 - 0 Chelski (16 Dec 2007)

Arsenal 2 - 1 Man U (16 Nov 2008)

Arsenal 2 - 1 Man U (21 Jan 2007)

Even that 2-2 draw at home with Man U, when Gallas scored the last-gasp equaliser.

Despite these fixtures all being firmly part of the past, and for now, consigned to fantasy in the future, you know what they have in common?

Yup - you guessed it. All fixtures from the pre-Fabregas Captaincy days. Let's say, it was the Before-Cesc (BC) period. Better than talk about the lack of bollocks from the current team, let's start comparing statistics with the BC days.

It's probably a tad stark to put everything on the shoulders of the man/boy, but hey - that's what being captain is about, and that's what happens when you spend your summer flirting in warmer climes. So when Fabregas starts talking in the collective "we", there are just a few out there (including me) who would prefer that he start with the Man in the Mirror. (By the way, the Man in the Mirror looked decidedly the most scared at Old Trafford last week).

As I've said in previous posts, let's just take this season, as with more recent seasons, as part of a rather lengthy transition, a flirtation with a vaguely presumptive period of glorious youth. This is the tail-end of that transition, thankfully, with recent purchases giving some hint: Vermaelen, Koscielny, Squillaci, etc.

By July, with Fabregas gone, someone else will have to take up the arm-band, the balance will shift once more, and hopefully then - it shifts yet more in the direction of strength, confidence and constructive aggression. For now, this final transition year may just bring us the Carling Cup.

For that, I give thanks.

In the meantime, it's 7 more days to football.

But damn. It's Chelski.

Do I smell fear?

You Get What You Get What You Get

In our case, we get Barca. Probably the team out there which needs a cheat sheet the least.

Anyhows, no point getting all philosophical about it, or getting all downbeat, or even getting all excited. It's still 180 minutes of football, and so long as we don't get whipped like Real, I'm happy. I mean - let's get serious here.

We're in the Carling Cup semi-finals against Ipswich Town, and who can tell me the Champions League is more important than the Carling huh? Huh? Huh? Who? The Carling Cup's the most friggin' sought-after trophy out there, and by the time we play Barca at home, we could jolly well be Carling Cup Champions of the World. I'll be happy.

Anyway, it's Saturday today - and we're supposed to be looking forward to some football.

But no. The snow has brought life to a standstill in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. What's funniest is that most of the pitches are actually playable, but given how you don't want poor ole spectators trudging through the snow and feeling a bit cold on the stands, the decision was made to call of a couple of games for safety reasons.

Now. Correct me. When we had that little snow episode across Europe a couple of weeks ago, I did happen to watch a couple of Europa League games, and my word: you had people running around while the snow fell, pitches more white than green, lines barely visible and game spectators taking it all in. But that's Europe I suppose. Where the folks of Stuttgart and Berne probably take their "safety" a little bit less seriously than them tea-sippers in the UK.

So it's another 9 days till football again. Just brilliant.

In the meantime, we have news that Ryo Miyaichi will join us in January. Exactly what we need, I tell you. Some Japanese dude straight out of Street Fighter. Xavi, Iniesta, Puyol, Pique, all you SOBs, lock up your kids, he's comin' to get you!

Funny how things turn out eh - one moment he's playing in some Japanese High School tournament, and the next thing you know, he joins up with Arsenal after.

Arsenal Cheat Sheet

Found: an email circulating around the likes of Man U, Chelski, West Brom, Newcastle, Braga and Shakhtar.

Basically, it goes like this.

HOW TO BEAT ARSENAL F.C.

1. You'll score at least one. You can be pretty sure of that, no matter how crap your attack is.

2. Key then, is to defend. Really quite simple.

3. Stick four at the back, two as cover, and have your attacking midfielders run around like the blazes.

4. Give Arsene Wenger a couple of plastic water bottles. The minute he chucks one, you know you're on track. Keep up whatever you're doing.

5. Watch either of: Nasri, Rosicky, Chamakh or Arshavin. You'll never get all four playing well at the same time. After about 15 minutes, you'll know who not to waste your time on. Start with Arshavin. That usually takes care of itself.

6. Get them from minutes 30-60. Try your luck. Around then, they'll give you one even if you didn't really ask.

7. Defend your boxes well. They'll never score from outside the box. Haven't done so this season, probably won't do soon any time soon.

Finally:

8. Give Wenger a good reason. The pitch, barometric pressure, parking around Old Trafford, lousy hotdogs, a dreary gift shop, whatever. He usually likes them pretty much. (Note: logic doesn't really matter. Take the pitch thing. Old Trafford: crap, so they lose. Emirates: brilliant: they still lose often enough).

Hope the email never got round to Tony Pubis and Stoke.

Hey. You know what? If results go our way this weekend, we could still go back on top. What larks then eh? All will be well again.

Bloody naif I am.

Review: Manchester United 1 - Arsenal 0

That same ole sinking feeling.

That we just ain't nearly good enough. Done in by sheer immaturity in our last grudge match against Chelski, done in this time by a simply insipid performance all round.

And you know what? What was the most damning, the most frustrating, the most unsurprising insipid performance? Cesc Fabregas. Brought on the change the game, take on the captain's arm band, and compared to the 18 year-old he replaced, looked a lacklustre copy of a Barca wannabe. More than 20 minutes to make a difference, and I struggle to remember a time when he even came never the opposing box. Nary a telling pass, with them all going sideways. What the hell Wenger was doing calling upon him again, I do not know.

Another shocker: a limp performance from Arshavin. So surprise, surprise, we failed to deliver anything worthy of Carling Cup semi-finalists in the final third. This was Partizan Belgrade redux, except this time, we did have a top notch defence to deal with.

Nasri? Well, the boy is human. Not a bad performance, and struggled at least to make a difference.

Elsewhere, Szczesny did put on a pretty decent performance. Nothing he could've done about the goal, and save a couple of dodgy clearances, showed himself worthy of a couple of games.

All in all, we do find ourselves in a mental funk.

The league's best away record, up against the league's best home record. And guess what, our fragile spines were the ones to give way.

Dammit. It hurts.

So we've lost five now. Versus Man U's zero. Are we going to be champions? No sir. Man U could probably still afford to go on a rampaging losing streak, and they'd still have room to spare. Scary thing is, they haven't been THAT good, and still, teams like ours have not been able to beat them.

I mean - they had Wayne Rooney, the lousiest, sulkiest, most divisive piece of penalty-missing crap in the league, and still, we could not beat them. Sir Alex must've figured he needed some good charitable karma in leaving Berbatov on the bench, so thanks for that.

Groundhog Day it is. Losing to the top teams again. Ah well.

At least we've got the Carling Cup to look forward to. In the meantime, here's a note to the boss:

1. For fuck's sakes. Once and for all. Leave Cesc out of the squad. He's not been fit, he's not had his head on, he's not been at it since August. Bringing him back unfit, well, that really just screws things up. Give me Wilshere any day of the week.

2. Arshavin. I dunno really. Theo had a weak game too. But I suppose he's the lesser evil. Give the Russian some time on the bench. That'll keep the rabid English nationalists something to crow about too.

3. Brains. The team needs a collective lobotomy. We just need to get that yucky piece of mediocrity out of our system.

For once in a long long time, I actually thought we had a good chance of beating Man U. Bloody naif I am. What was I thinking?

Review: Arsenal 3 - Nazitrap Egardleb 1

I was nervous before kick-off, petrified when it started, and downright morose when I began witnessing the first 20 or so minutes of our so-called do-or-die match up.

It was abject. Lethargic. And I was struggling to see how a team with zero points, 1 goal and nothing to play for other than pride seemed to be just that tad more into the game than the Arsenal at home. Maybe it was how the team was set up. Maybe it was having RVP roaming around the flanks or behind Chamakh to no great consequence. Maybe it was Arshavin having a horrid game, or Gibbs once again showing us that he's of that made-of-candy floss ilk. Whatever.

Then it happened. A gift. We needed it, and thank god for our partisan friends. Silly penalty to give away, and RVP smashes home the penalty. No way did we deserve a lead at half time, but hey, I'll take it.

Second half, and we reach the bewitching minutes. Those from around 50-55. Remember Spurs? Villa? Anyways, first try, and goal. To Partizan. They who've scored zilch in their four other games with Braga and Shakhtar. As I said...we were always going to be charitable. We were charitable in Belgrade, so why not here. The only two goals the Serbs have scored this season in Europe, and we were the kind beneficiaries.

I mean, we've let in two goals from Partizan. Both from a guy who calls himself Cleo, for chrissakes! Oooooooo..."Cleo" scored, did he??

1-1. Nice. At this point, it's still 0-0 in the Shakhtar-Braga game, and the commentators are all doom and gloom about how a goal in either tie in the wrong direction would just kill us off. It's also at this point that I begin praying for a Shakhtar, coz there was no way I could see us getting one with the same dudes on the pitch.

So thank god for the substitution. Arshavin has been alternating between sublime and ridiculous, so good thing the boss took him off early. Walcott on, and already that slight difference.

And what a goal. Nifty volley, and thank god for the boy. A couple of minutes later, and Nasri wraps it up. Wonder goal too, complete with a dizzy shimmy before smashing it in with his left foot.

At this point, it's all well in the kingdom, and we really start thinking of the Real-Barca-Bayern-Schalke formula. I tell you. I have a feeling. It's gonna be...Schalke.

Anyways, the press is going to go all crazy about our defence as usual. Yes. Don't have to be a genius there. About drawing the big teams. Yes, all our fault. But hey. We played crap for about 80 minutes, and showed that with just a good 10-minute spell, we were good enough for the tie. So who knows. If we keep it to just letting in 1 or 2 to Barca during a crap spell, we may just have a chance.

Next up. Man U on Monday. Yum. For once, it being away has given me a nice warm feeling in me belly. This could just be it. A win at Old Trafford. I can just see it. Man U crambling under their own pressure at home, admitting to the inevitability of a first league defeat, and us revelling in the pressure-less environment away from the Emirates.

So let's just go do it.

Sneak Peak

Sitting on my hands, fearing the worst for tonight's game, and you know, what better way to get over it than to just look ahead.

First, it's become rather simple. If we get through, and barring any freak result in the Shakhtar-Donetsk tie, we'll finish 2nd and we'll have only four possible teams to choose from: Schalke, Barca, Real Madrid and Bayern.

I'm rather non-plussed. If it's Barca, fine. If you look at all the second places teams, and the obvious weaknesses there, we can only screw and blame ourselves for not finishing top of the group. We're going to have to face Barca at some point, so why not now.

As for the others. No biggie. Toss-ups wth Bayern and Madrid, and Schalke should be the plum tie.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We may just be looking ahead to a Europa League draw as well, so I'd better just stop here.

As we sit on top of the league with that rather Nasri-licious victory over Fulham, there's been much talk about whether we deserve to be there, whether we will be there, and ultimately, about our defence. No defence is possible as it relates to our entire defensive mentality, so it's one big mea culpa. It's all here in black and white. I'll only say this though: everyone's getting leaky, and what we'll just need to do is tighten up mentally when it matters most. And that's a couple of goals every handful of games. It's as much as matter of mental fragility, and god knows, mental problems are enduring, but easily solved with a good run of games.

If we're going to be be traumatised by that Spurs defeat, by god, we should. Never forget, but move on, we must. (Speaking of fragile, wonder how fragile Madrid is now, actually).

Alright. Ta ta. Partizan'll probably score at least one goal, so let's just hope it comes when we're leading 9-0 with 10 seconds remaining. I think we should be able to get through that. Has anyone seen the current odds though??? 1/12 Arse win, 10/1 for the draw, and 25/1 for a Partizan win.

Huh. Who knows. Good money there for the neutral on a draw!

(Update: after some further thought, I'm now ultra-confident for tonight. For the simple reason: Cesc is out, Nasri and Arshavin will be on fire as a direct consequence, and RVP should be a damn solid starting captain. More on my Cesc Theory later).

IPSWICH!

Would you believe it!

The Arsewiper asked, and the Arsewiper got. Ipswich 1-0 West Brom, and then we get paired with them. Just sweet. With West Ham and Birmingham fighting it out for the next place in the final, you've got to admit it: It's now or never. We've got a taste of the luck of Chelski in the draw, and this is going to be something we realistically should see through. While Ipswich and Roy Keane will no doubt be up for it, over two legs, there should be no excuses if we don't do the deed. It'll be nice watching the Arsenal over at Portman Road. The memories...

Elsewhere, I wonder if Ray Parlour's heard of plagiarism. Sayeth he:

"I do think they need a Tony Adams – a leader at the back."

"I just think is there a centre-half out there like a Tony Adams who can really drive that team on because trust me when I played there and you wasn't doing your job you got told straight away and I think that's what they're missing at the moment."

Goddamit! I said it first. Me! Me! Me! Bloody Einstein. But he does raise something which I forgot:

"I think it's one of these times where if he thinks Vermaelen can do the job give him the skipper's armband and say to him 'these are skipper's we use to have, Tony Adams, Patrick Vieira, who used to drive the team on, can you do that' and see if he can do it."

I was wondering why I forgot Vermaelen. I was thinking and thinking, and then I realised. Oh yeah. Right. No point having a captain who doesn't play and can't play, right? He the man with the mysterious one-day Achilles injury that's taking 6 months to heal. Can't imagine him standing up to Mr Just-give-me-a-painkilling-jab John Terry.

Anyway, Parlour may have been the Romford Pele, but he's still a plagiarist.

In the meantime, Wenger's not going to be signing anyone this January, betting of course, that Vermaelen will be ready to start (a running start, maybe) on 1 January 2011.

Okay. Sure.

I'm Zen Master, let's not forget.

Review: Arsenal 2 - Wigan 0

Abject weather, dismal away team and bloody lousy Carlos Vela contrived to make this something of a tie to forget. Great result though. We're through to the semis, and even better result with West Ham giving Man U that 4-0 hiding. How the world turns. 7-1 one day, and then losing 4-0 to the League's bottom team. And that's with the likes of Giggs, Fletcher, and whasisname Chicharito Dorito in the squad.

So the Carling Cup does open up for us. West Ham, and either Birmingham/Villa and Ipswich/West Brom to choose from. I'm cheering for Ipswich, and there will be those out there who know why. (Clue: move your eyes slightly to the right, scroll down...). Arsenal-Ipswich in the semis over two legs will be really quite nice.

But I get ahead of myself. Viewed through the lens of a sputtering stream, the game did look suspiciously slow. Szczesny (I've figured out how to spell it. Just Sz. Then Cz. Then esny. Simple) had little to do, and looked composed enough. Djourou looked half bored but capable of dealing with the little that Wigan without Rodallega could offer. RVP was majestic, and RVP would be forgiven for taking Vela aside after the game and giving the boy's bollocks a good hard squeeze.

I mean - that sublime back heel/flick that put Vela through on goal, only for the boy to shift his weight to his right for his only working foot (the left), and then miss the open goal. So, RVP must be a really really nice chap. Decides to do it all over again a while later, same back heel, same Vela on goal, and this time, just to mix it up, he takes a heavy first touch then just crumples to the ground for effect. Nice.

Leave it to Bent Nick to show him how it's done. Even missing the ball's sometimes a good trick. Jump, attempt a header, miss it on purpose, confuse the defender(s) behind you, let the ball skid off a head for a neat OG. THAT's how you score a goal, Carlos!

So we're 1-0 up at half-time, and it doesn't take too long for a second. Bent Nick again. This time from a Vela assist. Methinks he does better when there's no goal to aim at. 2-0, and really, that was that. Given how dismal Wigan were on the night, I could safely say my heart went nowhere near what I went through with Villa.

Any other notables on the night? Yeah. Theo needs more games. Having Theo, Vela, RVP and Vela on the pitch at the same time just seems a tad odd and Djourou/Koscielny actually looks a good pairing.

Bring on Fulham, I say again. But if I may reply to a point made by Arsewiping Reader Kumar. God knows nobody's counting any chickens. One thing I did in my couple of weeks away from this was turn myself into an Arsenal Zen Master. Might we lose or cock up against Fulham? Sure. Why not? Might we turn in a good performance and get them good and proper? Sure. Why not too?

Which reminds me. I was thinking about our European prospects while smiling over our capitulation in Braga. You know, it really isn't so bad to go out of Europe (or at least the Champions League) at this stage. Sure, we only needed 1 point from 3 games to go through, and if we cock it up again against Partizan, then it might be the single-most embarrassing run of games in our recent history.

BUT.

Think about it. We do get to then play in the Europa League man - and god knows, our prospects there are tons better than in the knock-out stages of the Champions League. What good is there in finishing second in our group, getting paired with Barca or Real, getting beaten in the round of 16 and then congratulating ourselves?

Hell, I'd rather us get to the Europa League, and win the damn thing.

So whatever happens in a week's time, I'm good.

Zen Master.

Final word today on El Clasico. What a lousy let down. Shit. Even we did not get as embarrassed. We lost 4-1, and even scored first man! And the special one? Claims they weren't humiliated. Don't know about you all, but that's a freakin' humiliation in my book!

Jose, Jose, Jose. In certain languages, there are sayings that might describe your predicament. Sayings that would describe certain parts of your anatomy getting stuffed in your mouth, thus preventing you from saying just about anything. That should be it.

My favourite part of the game, actually, was this:



Funnee. Funnier was that stupid Victor Valdez running up to get all rough and at-it, like someone had insulted his mother/sister. Self-important bozo. Sounds familiar, that...

Anyway, it would actually be nice to draw Real Madrid should we get through. More handbags with Arsene then eh?

Ciao then. Let's see who gets through from tonight's other quarters.

Oh. Sorry. Lest I forget. Cute little interview with Fabianski right here. Wonder why people still refer to Almunia's elbow injury as an elbow injury. It's not. It's an "elbow injury", just like a "virus". Like getting a call from your boss, and he says: "Don't come in tomorrow, or the day after. You've got a virus. And after that, you'll get an elbow injury."

Monday Evenings

Can be nice. When there's football on the telly. It may not be the Premier League, but I suppose El Clasico's a pretty nice alternative. Even if, at half time right now, it's all Barca.

Man, do I hate those Barca types. Iniesta, Xavi, Pedro, Pique, Puyol, just having to sit through 90 minutes of 'em...I even find myself drooling over Cristiano Ronaldo in a weird counter-spite. Anyway.

On the Arse front, and on the FA Cup front, a nice little tie for us. Leeds United. Nice coz it's not another Premier League team, and nice coz they're big enough to make it interesting. As we saw last year at exactly the same stage, they made it extra interesting for Man U. Fingers crossed they don't do it again. Lightning would not strike twice. Surely not. Surely... Not...

Speaking of Man U. What a tie, and another example of how the FA Cup system really needs to be looked at. Liverpool, in the 3rd round. Yes, a free draw keeps the romance alive, and keeps the smaller teams in it. But can't a compromise be found between a strict seeding system and what is now a free-for-all?

Ah, but who cares. It's the world's oldest knock-out competition, so I'll leave it in the FA's good hands to deal with it.

A final word for Dreamy Bobby Pires. Poor old balding dude. Just what has he gotten himself into? Should've just headed off to LA Galaxy, New York Red Bulls or even the Las Vegas High Rollers. Anything other than the humiliation of growing old in front of old friends and foes in the Premier League...

Review: Aston Villa 2 - Arsenal 4

What did I say? We most times play better without Cesc, looks like.

But in the early kick-off, the second half took on a far more - shall I say - exciting, tone than any Arsenal fan would prefer.

The first half was all Arsenal. As usual. The usual passing, some really really neat stuff, but always, always, the last ball was the missing link. The ill-timed pass, the pass instead of the shot, we've all become too familar. Total Arsenal dominance, dismal Aston Villa, typical stuff, and where should our goals come from?

First, defensive error, ball to Arshavin (in one of his best performances in...a long time, right), forgets about passing, forgets about everything except shooting, and what do you know? A nice goal.

Second, corner. Yeah, a set piece! Floated to just outside the penalty box, first time volley from our man of the moment, Samir Nasri, one slight deflection and 2-0.

All rather straightforward, and did the deed when the pissy-passing failed. Thank god for that, and our favourite half-time scoreline: 2-0.

So I figured: let's see how the half starts. Like we did against Spurs? Indeed, my dear Watson.

Slow, letting Aston Villa get at us... and lo and behold, some dude called Ciaran Clark, on 52 minutes, just as Gareth Bale did on 50 minutes last week. Yum.

I snigger, shrug, and hear a collective 3,000 pairs of bollocks from the away fans fall to the floor.

You could even hear it from the Arsenal players, Arsene Wenger, Pat Rice, them all, I'm sure.

But, their credit, we put things right quite quickly. 3-1. Another pretty goal from Chamakh. He must learn these little finishing touches at some ballet school or circus man. That little shimmy-shammy pirouette deal against Birmingham, now this little sliding finish thingy. Quite nice, I must say. So I'm thinking: okay, Aston Villa really quite suck. They aren't Spurs (who would believe I would ever say that!), and why not make it 4-1, just to be nice to my little ticker.

Oh no...we never really do make things easy. I say to Arsewiper Jr - I see one more goal. It's either us or them. And yeah, it happens. The guy with the Take That kinda name scores the second goal of his life against us, and makes it 3-2 with a decent amount of time left. Just great.

To cut a painful, long story short, we only make it 4-2 with a couple of seconds to spare. Ole Jack, it had to be. Thanks, and we're top of the table. For like, 23 minutes.

Let's see:

Fabianski 7 - Another generally alright game. Shame he had to pick the ball out of the net twice. Not really his fault, but can't be good for a keeper...

Sagna 7 - Involved in a quite a few nice moves. Always energetic, which is more than one could say or Arsenal players consistently.

Koscielny 6.5 - Nothing too spectacular, but I still think we missed him at Braga...not that I don't like Djourou, but rather...

Squillaci 6 - Sorry man. Don't think he was ever meant to be starting week in, week out. Think he was meant for the Carling Cups, the odd FA Cup, that kinda deal.

Clichy 6.5 - Rather anonymous on our left side today. Wonder why...

Song 6.5 - Could've provided that little bit of spine, and cover to our defence. But ooops. Otherwise, not one of his best, but nothing great either.

Wilshere 7 - Some good stuff. Never seems to get a pass wrong, always running, and always clever in his movement.

Nasri 7 - Plays his best without Cesc around, and proved it again today. Was at his most influential when in the middle of the park, and not drifting out to the flanks. What a volley too eh?

Arshavin 7 - Wow. For once, every time he had the ball, you felt something might happen. Probably the first time this season. Probably coz he had a rest this week. Good on the man. Bring on Fulham now.

Rosicky 6.5 - Not one of his better games in the middle of the park. Er...why was he there?? But what a pass to Chamakh for the third. That was pretty useful.

Chamakh 7 - What can you say? What Bendtner wasn't on Tuesday, he surely was today. Incisive, direct, and where you want him to be. Where Bent Nick roamed aimlessly, Chamakh was generally always where you want him to be. Had a great header saved marvellously from Friedel too.

All in all, yeah, our frailties were exposed, etc etc. Yeah, yeah. But shit, whoever said we didn't have any? Soft underbelly? Maybe. Probably. But as I said, we ain't got no one to toughen up that belly. Gonna have to score more, and wait till Vermaelen gets back. If he gets back...

And, let's not forget. Villa were unbeaten at home till today. They'd drawn with Man U (rather unluckily), and beaten Chelski too. They even had a dreamy (but balding dude) called Robert Pires start for them. So. I'll take 4-2 anytime, thank you very much. And for all those who will talk about soft underbellies. Yeah, so what? Took you long enough to figure it out!

Go find me a six-pack underbelly, and then we'll talk.

We Need a New Captain

I needed a little time. A little time to think things through. A little time to see things in perspective - the good, the bad, the expected, and everything in between. There were recent highs - Wolves, Everton - desperately desperately low in Spurs, and the painfully expected in Braga.

But in between it all, what I'd suspected suddenly hit me like a bolt of lightning when I was watching us against Braga.

You know where our problems started? Right where it matters most: the captain, the heartbeat of any team. Our last trophy - the FA Cup in 2005. And you know what? Who scored that last penalty against Man U? Patrick Vieira. That kick required bollocks, and he delivered. His last kick for Arsenal, and the last trophy-wnning kick for Arsenal.

Since then, we've been called many things - we've played the beautiful game, but right when it has mattered, right when you needed it, we've always missed it. The captain, the leader, who would give the players that boost, just by seeing him stride across the pitch. We had Adams, we had Vieira - from 1997 to the Invincibles. That was it. It was they, who saw us through it. We need a captain who would give Roy Keane a run for his money, who would play on with blood running down his head, who would get up with his teeth knocked out.

What we don't need is a captain who won't. A captain who would pout in the centre circle, a captain who would pull up with an innocuous groin strain and attempt to walk straight off, even before a sub has been put on.

This is not somebody you buy. We bought Patrick Vieira, but we didn't buy Captain Vieira. We didn't buy either Tony Adams or Captain Adams. We groomed them. They became Arsenal. Adams. Captain at 21 in 1988, and for 14 years after. Through the double in 97-98 and 01-02. And Vieira? Signed at 20, and takes over from Adams when he retires. Put it this way. From Captain Adams to Captain Vieira, we had the best years of Red and White History. All 17 years of it.

So after Vieira, we had nobody, and no trophies. We had Henry. God bless the greatest goalscorer we've ever had, but he was never a captain. God bless Gilberto, but there was only so much he could do. Who else have we had? From the sublime to the ridiculous. Gallas and Silvestre, and even Squillaci, all of a couple of weeks old, has worn the arm band.

In Arsene we may trust, but in recognising the importance of finding an Adams, a Vieira, he has failed. He's minimised the role of the captain, and for that, we have paid. You only lose the games we lose, and they way we've lost them, when you lack that one thing: leadership, and the balls it gives you.

As I say, this is not somebody we buy. He either exists now or he doesn't. And he doesn't yet.

Certainly not Cesc. Never was, and with Barca hanging over his limp performances and even limper hamstrings, you can be sure we've seen the best of him. Nasri's a maybe, but he may be one of those who plays best without the burden of leadership. I see two possibilities: Wilshere and Djourou. Combine the two: Djourou's physical presence, and Wilshere's bollocks, and we've got something closer to Patrick Vieira than we've ever had.

Keep them, and teach them well.

In the meantime, hand on heart, we ain't gonna get anywhere. We'll have our flashes of brilliance, and more often than not, moments of utter pain.

But with things in perspective, things can get that little bit less painful. As it was against Braga.

Who knows what will happen against Villa. We may just step it up. We've done so before, with Cesc in recovery. I see it happening, but won't be surprised if it doesn't.

So with this in mind, the Arsewiper's back. I just needed some time. Welcome me back.

Finito

For those of you still wondering, this is it.

Finito. Down and out. Done and dusted. Down for the count. Knocked out. Kaput.

It's been too hard. I can't bring myself to put in ink another line of all my deepest and darkest angers and disappointments. It's just not much fun anymore.

I still love my club, will still watch my club, but hell, to have to contemplate depressive writings every other week is just too much to take.

So until we meet again, or until Cesc Fabregas moves on, ciao friends.

Review: Manchester City 0 -Arsenal 3

So this is late. But I blame it entirely on me being extremely drunk on the intoxicating fumes of sweet victory.

This is the kind of review that I've wanted to write for a long long time - a review of a victory where it counted most, against one of the top teams, when a defeat would've been an unthinkable option. We started the game in 6th - behind not just Man U, but even Spurs and West Brom. Lose, and we'd have finished the weekend just above Sunderland and Bolton.

To say I had my trepidations would be understating it.

But hey, just as we'd flopped in games with the big boys, so too would Manciti on the day. Less than 5 minutes in, and they did what we've been prone to ourselves. Self destruct. Yes, Mancini's gone and said that if it was 11 v 11, they'd have won; Cesc has said that even if they had 15, we'd have won.

Who bloody cares. We won. 3-0. Can't get as obvious as that. Could've beens, should've beens. Hey, if Lehmann hadn't been sent off early one night in Paris in 2006, we might've been European Champions, and we probably won't even be talking about this as a key game.

So. Anyways. The game.

Manciti started like a house on fire, and we had (surprise!) Fabianski to thank for a great early safe after a minute or so from Silva. Then the sending off. But even then, Manciti pressed, and didn't at that stage play like they had 11. They still played to win...to their credit, and to our benefit.

Just as we'd been guilty of not being efficient enough with our chances, tonight it was Manciti. And tonight, we would make them pay. Excellent move, Nasri-Arsh-Nasri, and emphatic finish to make it 1-0. The man's on fire, and would continue to blaze for the rest of the game.

Then a gift. But we never really like gifts in the Premier League. We took them pretty well with Shakhtar, bur spurned the gift horse this time round. Silly challenge, up stepped Cesc, and he telegraphed the penalty just as Hart had predicted. Just great. The shit looked like it would hit the fan. "Just get it in to half time at 1-0" was my cry, and once we did, it looked increasingly safe.

Second half - We begin to exert ourselves, and once Tevez limped off, so too did Manciti's energy. Sure they hade Adebayor, but it's Adebayor after all. Another nice move, and Song finishes with aplomb. Nice one that. Even nicer was Wayne Bridge's assist.

What would put the icing on the cake than for Bent Nick to finish off a cool move from yet another sublime assist from Nasri. That's the way you do it. One chance, one goal. Oh yeah, throw in a couple of great saves from Fabianski, and we've got our first away clean sheet since...forgot when.

All in all, our best win of the season. No doubt. The pressure was on, the game was big, but after a nervy start, we all stepped up. Yes 10 v 11 changed the game. But nobody's ever sympathised with us, so why start? Winning the big games is as much about scoring goals than it is about not doing anything stupid. With the yellows piling up for us in the first half, it was also a very composed performance that saw no chance of a sending off for a player in red.

Sweet it was. Much as West Brom taught us one lesson, so too did Chelski teach us another. Bring on Newcastle next, and West Ham next week. The Arsewiper will be at the Emirates for that one, so goddamn, gimme a goal fest man!

Player ratings? Why not?

Fabianski 7.5 - Never put a foot or finger wrong. You can just see him getting more and more confident with every game. It started with Partizan. It continued today. We may see WS (that's what I'll call him) start on Wednesday, so I'm betting on another clean sheet Saturday.

Sagna 7 - Solid performance too. Some nice runs, but in honesty, some suspect crosses and decisions. Should've put Chamakh clean through on one occasion, but dawdled.

Squillaci 6.5 - Probably the better of the two in the middle. Not the most convincing, but did enough.

Djourou 6 - Not good enough, really. Got the run around too often by Tevez, and was caught too slow too.

Clichy 7 - No hint of his usual suspect-ness, so I'll be glad for that.

Song 6.5 - He's been off it of late, I'll say. Let a few get by him too easily, and when he didn't, it was plainly and simply, a clumsy foul. But, like he is prone to do these days, he scores...

Cesc 6.5 - An off day by his standards. A few slide rule passes, but a few off as well. Granted, he's still off the pace, but by his own high standards... Even that penalty miss. Woeful.

Nasri 8.5 - Man on fire indeed. Did little wrong. One goal, one assist, involved in everything good. Goals galore too, so let's pray he keeps fit. Unlike a few of his team-mates, though, prone to get fit faster than expected.

Arsh 6.5 - Not his best (as usual), but still managed a sublime assist. We did look tons better with Rosicky on the pitch.

Denilson 7 - Ain't a Wilshere, but did little wrong on the day. Efficient without the frills.

Chamakh 7 - Did his best holding up play, didn't have too many clear cut chances, and when he did, he skied one over. Put in a good shift for the team though.

Highly satisfying, to say the least. Springboard going forward? Why not? We've got a decent run of games through November, and it's not until 13 December that we face Man U. Let's get to it then. West Brom and Chelski lessons learnt; no more excuses.

The Arsewiper on Marxism

Or thereabouts.

But I was thinking. There must be two definitions to the so-called "classless society". We know one version, of the Marxist, communist, utopic vision. There has, however, to be another. Centred around Salford, Manchester. But "classless" here, would probably be more accurately conveyed as "totally lacking in class". Which just about sums up the whole episode with Manchester United, Sir Alex Ferguson, the owners, and of course, Wayne Rooney. It's all pretty sad, and for once, I actually do feel sorry for people who think themselves to be Manchester United fans.

The depths to which the "crisis" fell, the he said, she said, he wants out, he's had enough, the lack of ambition (and basically slagging off every single member of your team), and the rapidity in the turn around was the stuff of utter repulsiveness. And I don't even like Man U!

So after he's gone and done what he's done, he says sorry and gets his five-year contract, and probably a hefty pay rise. If there's anybody out there who thinks there isn't something seriously wrong with the world of professional English football, please, put up your hand.

Thank god for Arsenal.

But, my dear Watson. There may just be another angle to this. Indeed, it may all have been a remarkable sleight of hand, a PR move of utter genius.

For in the media frenzy over the lovers' quarrel, the speculation on possible clubs (including bloody Perth, for gods' sakes!), the lingering issue of Rooney's horny dalliances, his marriage and his personal life have...all but vanished into thin air. They are but no more, and Rooney has been re-born, the born-again saviour of Manchester United and its ambitions of the highest order.

Freakin' brilliant, if that were the intention.

But that would be stretching it, and stretching the limits of Rooney's intelligence.

All in all, as I've said before. Well, you Man U fans deserve every minute of this!

Elsewhere, there've been a few things happening on the Champions League front too. And most obviously: that Inter and Rafa are really, going to be anything but champions again. 4-0 against a 10-man Spurs at half-time, and there I was, hoping for something REALLY nice, and what does Inter do? Let Gareth Bale get it back to 4-3.

You can be sure Jose would never have let that happen. We've all just seen what Rafa has done, and we at the Emirates can be glad that there's at least one less serious competitor this season.

On the Arsenal front - there's absolutely no news out there. Which is exactly how we like it, what with you-know-what going on.

On to Sunday. And Manciti would've had two days less of a rest after Europe. Let's get to it.

Review: Arsenal 5 - Shockin' Shakhtar Donutz 1

A really really very strange (but still nice) evening it was.

Arsenal, determined not to get out of 2nd gear for about 60-70 minutes of the game;

Shakhtar, determined not to do anything besides pass the ball sideways just outside their box;

Arsenal, probably affected by the sheer abject-ness of it all, struggled to get any real pace into the game; and

Shakhtar, who were so bad and lacking in anything that I thought some shady underworld Asian-Ukrainian betting syndicate might have something to do with it.

I mean, it's totally poetic that our first goal should come from nothing, following zero attempts at goal, and from an absolute howler from the goalie. Don't teams normally score against US like that? Weeeirrd, man.

Totally strange too, that the dude who would score, and then set up the second would be Song. Who was probably on paper, the worst performing player in a red shirt last night. Stray passes, slip ups, even his goal was the result of a deflected, slipped up, stray attempt. Real twilight zone stuff.

It gets better. Even the third, which killed off the game, was another gift-wrapped wonder.

The Shockin' Donutz must've figured that besides their goalie dropping a howler, the next easiest way to give us a goal would be to just haul someone down in the box - after the ref had just warned them not to do it.

I mean, even when we didn't really want to score, we scored. Cue Chamakh. Nice little floated ball over the top from Nasri, one on one with their goalie, and the dude decides...nah...I must be offiside. Let me check. Ooops. I'm not. Ah, I'll just kick it against their keeper. Ooops. It went in.

So that's three out of the five goals. And the sixth? To make it 5-1? Just to make it really really out of this world? Eduardo. With a terrific ball out wide, and a real Eduardo-esque left-footed finish. The stadium cheered, everybody laughed, and all I could say was: Shit. A clean sheet would've been nice.

Thank god then, for Nasri and especially Wilshere's goals. Those were nice, Arsenal goals. On any other night, and against some real Premiership opponents, this would probably have been a 2-2 draw or a West Brom, but hey - we got Shockin' Donutz, and I'm not complaining.

As for the player ratings:

Fabianski 7 - Hey. He even looked pretty confident. Weird eh? And for once, he could laugh at the other dude on the the side of the pitch.

Eboue 7 - Not bad too. Not that he had much to do, actually. But oh well. He did do a good job giving Nasri a piggy-back after his goal.

Squid 6 - Oh you poor damp squib. What kind of attempt was that in dealing with the cross that led to Ed's goal? Did you mean it? That was weak man. Tevez'd kick you in the bollocks if you tried that on Sunday. So much for full concentration for 90 minutes. Even at 5-0.

Djourou 7.5 - An easy night out, had little to deal with, did it well, and "earned" us that penalty. If Koscielny was back, I'd say we go Koscielny-Djourou.

Clichy 7 - Not bad too, but I'm beginning to think it's getting weird having to assess defenders for their work going forward.

Wilshere 8 - Yum. Methinks he's better than Cesc at 18. What say? I think he's got a lower centre of gravity, is probably faster, definitely stronger, just as visionary, and can (probably) tackle.

Song 6.5 - Looked the part tonight. As a bleached bozo the clown. Never really punished for all the stray passes et al. Wake up boy. Manciti won't be as kind.

Cesc 7 - Did as well as anyone could expect him to. He get 0.5 points more for doing that "mama" thing on his shirt after scoring. That got Mrs Arsewiper's attention, and for that, you get your 7/10.

Nasri 8 - My MOTM. He's been immense every time he's on the pitch, and last night was no different. It was almost un-French, how he could run and run and run, and still be creative.

Rosicky 7.5 - A different league from the Arshavin shows we've been seeing. Thought he should start, and he showed why he should on Sunday as well. (NB: Arshavin would eventually come on, and again remind us why Rosicky should start).

Chamakh 7 - The offside look-see was rather dumb. But arrogance can sometimes breed dumb-ness, so I'll half forgive him.

So there we are. Tuesday game, Sunday kick off, and let's hope Manciti gets a harder run out on Thursday. In two weeks' time, it's Shockin' Donutz at home. Just a scrappy, 1-0 win will do. Don't expect them to be so donuty this time.

Elsewhere, I'm just dying to get in Rooneygate. It's even more twilight zonish than anyone could care imagine. More later, but a word now for some friends out there:

Hey. You deserve it. What would you expect from an ugly, fat, bald, in-bred...whatever? You buy a piece of #$!%, you expect it to smell after a while.

But look on the bright side. He's leaving.

Now, Man U can get back to being a vaguely respectable club with (some) class.

Ciao.

Manchester (Dis)United

Note to the Arseblogger's #1 reader: Yeah, sorry. Haven't written in a while. The combination of yet another inter-lull, plus the collective trauma of Sunderland, West Brom and Chelski were just too much for my soul. But I try...

And I'm rewarded by some rather spiffy news from Manchester.

Looks like ole Wayne wants out. Yessiree. I've heard it said that fact is oftentimes stranger than fiction, and who can disagree. The carnal misadventures, the distractions, the boss getting pissed off, the abject form, the mysterious ankle injury, and now the news that he wants out - AND that Manchester City is a possible destination.

I mean, I'm thankful. Just when Arsenal's going through a dodgy patch, what better than Liverpool and Man U imploding in their own way just to keep things amusing. Cheers, mates.

So it seems Naughty Wayne and Sir have fallen out. Sounds like an "irreconcilable differences" kinda argument. You know, something like:

"Wayne. You horny piece of s__t. I thought we made it clear. After you f__ed around with that whore all those years ago..."

"F off, Alex."

"It's Sir to you."

"F off, Sir."

"Keep your thing in your jock strap, your boots on your feet, and play some bloody proper football once in a while, eh?"

"F off, Sir."

"What the hell's wrong with you? Can't bloody play any proper football without first getting it off for 50 quid? Bloody piece of..."

"F off, Sir."

"You're injured; and get out of my sight."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not, and I'm off to Eastlands. You, my wife, all you shits the same...what's bloody wrong with a screw for 20 quid now and then? It's not like I'm stealing. And what do you care what I do after training?? Now piss off."

So endeth that beautiful thing that existed between England's boy wonder, that boyhood Everton fan, in England's #1 team. All in a steaming pile of turd. I suppose we should be glad all we ever had to deal with was Adebayor. And Barca. I say to all me Man U-supporting friends. Just be glad. He was too damn ugly for the Man U shirt anyways. Damn Shrek should not be playing football too.

All said and done, he'll probably stay through the season.

Who the hell's gonna pay top dollar for a cup-tied, fat, ugly, balding Englishman? Especially when they've got Ronaldo - that steamy, dreamy, bulgy-6 packed toy-boy from Madeira?

Oh yeah, I forgot. Manciti.

On the Arse front, looks like Birmingham are crying over getting bullied at the playground. Ah. Whatever. Get over it, why don't you. Let's see you really cry when you get to Ewood Park or Molineux. Twits.

News too is that poor ole Vito's off to Hull on loan till January. Must hurt falling back in line behind Fabianski, Almunia and Szcecscesccszny. But I think it'll do him good. You see, this is what's gonna happen: (a) Fabianski's going to have a decent so-so run of games, (b) Almunia will fall back to #2 and warm his hands in the Carling and FA Cups, and (c) Szcecscesccszny starts complaining to the Polish press and any damn lousy blog (like this) which will listen.

End of season, and Almunia leaves. Fabianski creeps up the pecking order, and Szcecscesccszny gets pissed off too, and leaves. Which leaves Vito. Comes back from Hull. Watches Fabianski start mucking it up again. And there he is. Last man standing. Don Mannone. He's taken care of the competition.

Alright then. Going to head back off to the second half of Blackburn-Sunderland. I must say, compared to England-Montenegro, France-Luxembourg, blah blah blah, it's really riveting stuff!

Ciao.

Review: Arsenal 2 - Birmingham 1

I can't say I saw too much of the game - in between the lousy jumpy stream on the net, and the times when it stopped altogether.

But what I did see was, for the most part, rather typical. Nice start, great pissy-passing, and the away team getting the first goal. It's a sad indictment that eight games on, the only clean sheet we've had so far was against a dismal 10-man Blackpool. So it came from the head of the tallest player ever to play in the Premier League, but you sorta expect our opponents to score from their most obvious outlets. Oh yeah, of course, given that we had a very very marginal offisde decision against us, I'd figured it would be a matter of time before the combination of arse luck, over-elaborate passing and the lack of any killer instinct would do us in.

Till the inevitable goal, Wilshere was, as he has been, the best player for us on the pitch. And Arshavin was beginning to look like he has for the last 8 games: totally out of it.

Having gone a goal down, and nearly letting a second one in, we were rather thankfully gifted a second through an admittedly iffy penalty. Scott Dann may or may not have touched Chamakh, and it may have been slight if he did. But hey, Chamakh's fall was convincing enough for me. Penalty dispatched with sufficient confidence from Nasri.

Half time then, and I was thankfully able to get through the 15 minutes in an acceptably decent mood for the rest of the family. Didn't take long for it to get before. Less than two minutes into the half, and Chamakh twirls his way round the defence and Scott Carson before slipping a nice one into the net. Nice...Chamakh scores one, earned the second...and I had to think about just how many of our goals this season he's actually scored, earned or assisted in. Quite a few methinks.

Along that line too, was of course Wilshere's assist. The boy's a wonder.

The rest of the half was either non-existent for me, save for the last 10 minutes. We held on, looked better with Arsh off and Rosicky on, and could even bring on Bent Nick for a little run in.

2-1. Hard won, but three points. Honestly, after our last two (or even three) results, anything less than 3 points would really have killed the team, so to grind out the points today was nice.

As for Wilshere, well. Red card too, eh? I'm glad he came out thereafter with a mea culpa, and Wenger said what he said too. All in all, the boy was in need of a good rest too, so having to sit out Manciti, Newcastle in the Carling Cup and then West Ham should be fine. The boss should give him a little bit of another run on Tuesday with Shakhtar, then let Rosicky do the rest.

It's been a tough couple of weeks for us. And next weekend's another crunch match. 2nd vs 3rd, and if muck up the lines again at the City of Manchester Stadium, shit...we lose and it'll be 6 points behind them, forget Chelski. So I'll take one point there, and anything more would one hell of a bonus.

Elsewhere, Man Utd are getting really entertaining methinks. Giving leads away, doing cool Fabianki impersonations, fuelling rumours of a Fergie-Rooney rift, the works man. Keep it up! Pool's just as entertaining, no? One off the bottom courtesy of a better GD than West Ham. Classic. You can't be blaming the whole ownership on their crapness. That'd be just too convenient. They're just too damn mediocre. Apart from Torres (who's doing his best to be crap) and Gerrard (who half the time looks pissed off), there's nobody on that team who looks vaguely competent.

What was it Joe Cole said about why he chose Liverpool, when he signed?? The fool...

It's nice to be back to normal football. Saturday, Sunday, Monday (even if it's Sunderland and Blackburn) and then European Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Toodle-oo then. Wonder if Koscielny's going to get over his "injury" by Tuesday.

Learning

You know, there is one word which I think I have grown to really really detest.

And that is "learn". We should learn, lessons to be learnt, must learn, etc etc etc. Latest is Sagna. Yes, learn from mistakes, learn from defeats. But screw it. Learning is vastly over-rated. It's code for we didn't cut it. You're in 3rd grade. You can't ever learn fast enough to get to 6th. You are, or you aren't. Screw this learning nonsense. The time for learning is over, the time for doing is now.

Which...was actually what we've been saying for the last 2-3 seasons. (In different ways, maybe).

Oh well.

Maybe we should come up with a new term. New to football anyway, but rather established in educational settings: learning difficulties. Do we suffer from a particular learning difficulty? Just a bit slow? What?

Or do we just have a teacher stuck with outdated teaching techniques? One that allows us to express ourselves, do great work when it doesn't really matter, but always flunking the major exams? How do you "learn" not to do that?

Maybe what Sagna means is to have ourselves keep repeating: "I shall not flunk, I shall not flunk, I shall not flunk", and write it on the board as well. Maybe that's learning.

So. Enough of this learning crap.

A rather irate Arsewiping reader has been in touch, and he's asked why I did not make reference to a text conversation we had after the Chelski game.

I said I'd apologise. He asked if I'd be writing an obituary for the year.

So I've been thinking. Would it be an obituary? Maybe not quite yet. There's still the Carling Cup. Hooray! A few games in the Champions League. Hooray! The matter of a less irrelevant FA Cup. Hooray! And finishing above Manciti (and Spurs). Hooray!

Yes, we may have to consider an obituary for our league chances. But that's kinda moot, I fear. The table now already makes for scary reading. Level with West Brom, and another loss away from hanging round the likes of Wigan. Yikes.

Elsewhere, there news of Bobby Pires keeping fit at London Colney. Much like Sol. It's nice innit? Why not give the man a couple thousand quid a week, have him sit on the bench, and have a run out at a few Carling Cup, FA Cup and even Champions League games? Hey, anything that raises our spirits, man!

Review: Chelsea 2 - Arsenal 0

I am, strange as it may seem, at peace. I thought we would lose, and sure enough, we did.

Peace comes when you finally realise you just weren't good enough, and perhaps just not good enough. Period. While the home capitulation to West Brom might have been at that time, incomprehensible, unacceptable, irretrievable, today's game and its lesssons were mind-numbingly simple. Yes, we might have made a better meal of it if we had Cesc, RVP, Walcott and Vermaelen, but hell, winning the big games - or at least making a meal of it - is as much an exercise in testing your best 11 as it is the competencies of your second stringers.

True to Wenger's philosophy, we had a great start, put together better moves than Chelski, and seemed for most of the first half, as much of a contender for the top as the team in blue. But as I sat there, I told Arsewiper Jr to just watch. They need just one chance, and they'll take it. Unlike us - missing an open goal header in the first minute. So it was the Frogba. Hats off, he's one shit good helluva of a striker. What can you do? Chances mean shit, efficiency and taking your chances are the stuff of champions.

Second half, and the same. We're pretty good, actually. Put together a few good things, but always betraying that offensive and defensive naivete. As the minutes ticked, I told Arsewiper Jr to watch again. They'll score a second. And they did.

All in all, a rather comfortable day out for Chelski, and our cluelessness and total lack of ideas and options showed when Wenger put on Vela at 2-0 down, with 2 minutes to go. Moment of genius that.

I suppose it's the brilliant irony of football that in the lead up to the game, much had been made of Fabianski and how he'd hold up. Well, he held up pretty up in the end. Shame the team as a whole did not.

If football had a scoring system like in boxing, we might have done ourselves and our chances some justice. But in the real world, in the world of real champions, this is it. Chances. Goals. Done.

As it stands, we're seven off the pace after seven. Season over? Probably. But let's just ask ourselves, hands on hearts, just how many of us thought we were real contenders for the title. We weren't. We aren't. Let's just hope for a good run in the Champions League, more Champions League next season, and look to finish above Manciti and Spurs. We'll see what happens when everyone comes back from injury. If they come back.

Shall I do a little player rating? Well, let's see...without the actual scores:

Fabianski - Pretty decent. Nothing more anyone could ask of him.

Sagna - Okay too, I suppose. Seemed one of the very few people who would at least not get blown over by Frogba's drift.

Squid/Koscielny - Pretty good, if you're Aston Villa. Not if you're pretending to challenge Chelski.

Clichy - Ditto.

Song - Ah Song. Just what has happened? Provided absolutely no cover. None. Provided nothing offensively, and left Squid and Koscielny exposed too often.

Wilshere - The one bright spark. Wonder when the rumours of a Wilshere move are going to start.

Diaby - At least seemed to care a little bit more, but on the day, looked way out of his league, an unware that this was Chelski, not training.

Nasri - Placed for some reason on the wings. I blame Wenger. The source of all promising things, but was always out of position.

Arshavin - Out of position? Being on the pitch would've been out of position. Don't know if it was me, but what was he doing? Playing in Song's place? Bewildering. But for one shot on goal, you might be forgiven if you didn't realise he was on the pitch. The damn munchkin fell asleep (as usual) for Alex's goal too, I'd say.

Chamakh - Started like he meant business with a great header, and after that, simply suffered from the lack of service. Missed a couple of good chances with his head too, which was odd.

I wish I could've said the entire team sucked. But they didn't. It's just a case of not being nearly good enough, and we'll have two weeks to stew on that.

As we sat at the dinner table, Arsewiper Jr #2 asked how I'd react if she changed teams. This is what happened.

What?? You can't do that!

Why?

Well, you can't just change teams. Like, if you behaved badly one day, would I change daughters? If mum made me angry, would I change wives? Yes, sometimes, it's nice, sometimes it's not. You can't just change teams.

OK...

That's what it's about. It's called loyalty.

OK Dad. But, let's say I didn't support Arsenal from the start. What if I supported Wigan? What would you do?

I'd try to make you change.

But you said you're not supposed to change!!!

Oh yeah. OK.

So what?

Well, then, we'd just laugh at you all the time. But that's just it. We're a family. That's why it's fun, that's why we support the same team. We feel happy together, we feel sad together. But at least we do it together, right?

And remember. No matter how bad you thing we're doing, there's always someone else worse. Well, not always, but more or less...

Silence.

I suppose she believed some of it.

I do. Things are shite now. Really shite. But hey, we went through some good times, we've been through some really bad, and in time, we'll see some good.

I'm sure of it. It's a matter of time. Even if it's a long time.

I'll take the next two weeks, and just be fucking glad I'm not a Liverpool supporter.

Good night. This, at least, is how I make myself feel better.

Review: Partizan Belgrade 1 - Arsenal 3

Hey, did you realise that Partizan backwards is Nazitrap? Hmmm...

Anyways, we won last night. We actually did. Despite our best efforts. For many many stretches of the game, it was same old angst, anger, dismay, disbelief. But thank god for Chamakh, and may he have a nice rest ahead of Sunday.

The way we started the way, it was basically a re-hash of our West Brom malaise, mixed in with the stage fright associated with that (quite) scary setting of the Partizan stadium, and the trauma of having had to change in a dark changing room. (What the hell, right???)

It was a really scary first couple of minutes. But hey, we scored with our first real shot on goal. Wilshere again. God bless him. Quite amazingly, that goal sorta switched a switch, and for the next 20 minutes or so, we could've scored 3, should've scored at least one more. Some nice stuff, but for a decent keeper and some suspect finishing...

Then it happened, of course. That soft-goal gifted to our Serbian friends. The only clean sheet we've kept this season was against the 10-men of Blackpool at home, so hey, we had to give one away here, so why not just REALLY give it away with a dodgy handball from Denilson. 1-1, instead of 3-0, and we were in really familiar territory.

With the goal, we revert to our nervy first few minutes, and I was happy just to get into half-time at 1-1.

Second half, not bad, and 10 minutes in, we're given the perfect life-line. Penalty, red card...and of course, always one to have deep suspicions of a gift horse, we proceed to shoot the damn animal in the mouth with a sad penalty straight at the ex-Wigan goalie. Sheer agony on the part of us Arse fans, but hey...not that surprising, no?

By then, it looked like there was nothing we could do. There were stretches where the 10-men of Partizan actually looked vaguely dangerous on the offensive, and I was wondering if 1-1 was that bad a result. (Upon switching the channel and learning that Shakhtar were turning over (Sporting) Braga, the answer became clear. No, one point would be crap).

With the Partizan defensive wall looking good, it was a nice surprise to see Chamakh do what he does best with his head. Twice. Good header onto the bar, better one into the empty net. Crossed myself, and hoped for more to come in killing off the tie.

It would finally come with Arshavin off, and after his many crap corners, Nasri finally delivers a decent one onto the head of the Squid. 3-1. Game over?

No...of course not.

Why not make it interesting. When Gibbs gave away yet another stupid, preventable penalty, I swear I expected the 10-men to make total fools of Arsenal.

But they, cometh the moment, cometh the man. Fabianski saves us. Who would ever thought we'd hear that. Yes. He did. An actually quite excellent save, much better than the save from Almunia from what was a much worse penalty over the weekend.

He let out his howl, and I let out my own quiet howl.

Just so there would be no further doubt, the dude saves his defenders again with another pretty save following yet more comical defending from Djourou and the Squid.

3-1, 6 points, top of the table. I'll take it.

But problems remain, no? Not sure about you, but this habit of being charitable needs to be looked at asap. Preferably before Sunday, to say the least. Yes, we could score the goals, but the defending at times was at sea. Song went on one too many journeys up the pitch, and we too often looked too exposed at the back. Not quite right, if you asked me.

Vermaelen's one week injury is into its 4th or 5th week, so I suppose we should expect maybe 2 or 3 more. Fingers crossed Koscielny and Squid put in one of their better performances, and Song has his defensive head on on Sunday.

Wenger has said all the right things about the team and his goalkeeper, and we've got more than enough time till Sunday to think about what's going to happen then. For one, looks like we'll have Fabianski in goal again. Hey, Fabianski in a goalkeeping heat is far better than Almunia in an opposite funk.

Ciao then. Methinks I'm getting enough of frustrations. Not that Sunday's going to make things different...

Now What???

Okay, it's Monday. And this is what I think.

I can understand if we aren't going to win the League this season. I'll take it on the chin.

I'm not going to be too hung up if we don't win the Champions League either.

In fact, it's not going to kill me if we go another season trophy-less. (And the Carling Cup doesn't count really, as a trophy. Just like the Emirates Cup. Not that we're going to win it. I see us getting slapped at Newcastle).

I can get by if we get beat at home by Chelski or Man U.

God forbid, I've seen us get beat by the likes of Blackburn and Wigan away from home, and I've gotten over it.

But what is totally unacceptable, absolutely unforgiveable, and a disgraceful sop to fans, is getting humiliated at home by West Brom.

Yes, it was 3-2 in the end, but the damage had been done. The pride as an Arsenal fan, the joy at watching a game at the Emirates, shattered. The only thing that has emerged less damaged is our goal difference.

West Brom, who had lost their first two away games. Scored zero, let in seven - six from the Champions - but at the Emirates, and despite our possession, played us off the pitch offensively.

There's enough said about Almunia and the second goal, and I would add even the third where he showed us what a man lacking in confidence can do when faced with the choice of staying on his line, or committing to the challenge. He did neither.

I'm not going to say more about our goalkeepers. Except to note that on Tuesday, we saw one, and on Saturday, yet another. Only Arsene Wenger will be able to explain (away) the situation.

(I did a funny thing. I can't imagine why, but arsenal.com still has their "Choose Your Man of the Match" deal going on, and just for fun, I clicked on Manuel Almunia. Guess what. He was 2nd in the poll. Yessiree. Wonder if everyone was just having some cruel fun).

Wenger's said that he did not recognise the team on the pitch. Well. Screw me. I recognised every single one of them. I'd have rather appreciated an apology actually. with 60,000 at the Emirates, and many millions more watching, this didn't quite cut it:

"It is the first real bad performance and it is unexplainable how bad the whole thing looked for the whole game."

The first? Surely there cannot be more that will come even remotely as close. And we've only played six. Unexplainable? Surely not.

What made it even more unacceptable (and not unexplainable) was that we'd have seen Chelski get beat in the lunch-time kick off. We'd have known that this was the time, that West Brom at home was as good as it would get.

But maybe that was the problem. Them 11 Arses that took the pitch probably did so having already felt the tie won. And that, Mr Wenger, was the problem. And for that, I would have to say, would have you culpable.

So will we bounce back? Nothing better than to have the opportunity to do so quickly, and at a difficult place all the way in Belgrade. But really, you never know, do you?

Till then.

I'm still depressed, but a little bit less so. Thank god for Spurs and Lemon Gallas to at least make me smirk.

UPDATE: Since I'm feeling just a tad better today, I thought I should add my two-cents worth to the "What do we do with our goalkeeping situation" question.

You know what?



Take a look at this. "Someone" should take a page from this dude's book. Make a dumb-ass mistake, take off your shirt, run off the pitch, and never return. Now, this wasn't his first dumb-ass mistake, but his second, so you could understand his honourable way out. If only, if only...

For now, anyways, we'll have to make do with an "elbow injury", and for that we now have the rather reassuring news that Fabianski back in goal for Partizan. Just the sort of fillip we all need to get our moods up! Hooray! Maybe Fabianski should check out Youtube...

Review: Arsenal 2 - West Brom 3

Just a few words:

An unprecedented, f__king disgrace.

More later as I recover.

Worth it...sort of

Okay, I admit it. By and large, I suppose it was worth it.

4-1 at White Hart Land is always good. Seeing Twitchy 'arry give his best non-plussed twitchy look is also good, but not as good as watching Spurs fans empty their own stadium with a whole 15 minutes left to play in extra time. I mean, what the hell does that mean? Do you not have an iota of faith in your team? Was it that obvious that you were out of your league? (Yes). Was the ticket to a meaningless Carling Cup tie so cheap that it didn't really matter not seeing your favourite players for another 15 minutes?

It was also worth it as a lesson to 'fael fan der Faart. To stop talking and concentrate on the damn football. There's been talk that yes, we fielded a pretty strong team, but let's be clear, Spurs did not exactly field 11 kindergarten team players. Just by fielding Fabianski, we gave as good as a one goal handicap (which was what happened), so I'd say both teams started the game with similar intentions.

Except that it looks like we have a wee deeper squad.

The first half was pretty much excellent stuff, and while you'd always be happy with 1-0 at White Hart Lane at half time, I'd have been much more comfortable with 2-0, as our play had deserved. Spurs were nowhere, Wilshere was bossing things, and I was wondering what happened against Sunderland. So 1-0. Should've been more, and as expected, we paid for it.

Fabianski. Lets another one slip by, and I'm sure he'll be rewarded with yet more time on the pitch. Although it was interesting that Wenger said that "he touched it and he looked like he had it. Apart from the goal he had a good game...but overall it is good for him that we won."

Translation: the fool had it covered. He had barely anything else to do it. Good thing we won, the stupid arse.

I must say, I don't think I have ever in my time watching Arsenal's goalkeepers, felt as strongly or as surely about how this Fabianski sucks. But I'm not going to going on about this any more. It's Wenger's call to make.

So, good to great performances just about all through the pitch (except in goal). Wilshere stood out as usual, Vela looked unfortunately isolated at times, Koscielny immense as usual...I'm pretty happy. Who knows, we may just see Henri Lansbury a few times off the bench soon. But it was interesting that Wenger left Jay Emanuel-Thomas (let's just say JET) on the bench. Wonder if we'll see a bit of him v West Brom.

And oh yeah. Nasri. Now that's how you take penalties. The pressure was on, and both were as cool as French concombres.

Twitchy 'arry: "I thought the first one was harsh. He fell over. Really I think he dived for the first penalty."

Awww. You poor poor thing. But don't worry. You're still a bigger team than Arsenal.

Final word on the linesman. The linesman who wrongly flagged when Gibbs was marginally onside late in first half. The same linesman who wrongly didn't flag when Keane was marginally offside in the second. Well, what can you do? It needn't have come to extra-time. But it did.

For everyone out there who wants to re-live the whole thing over and over, though, enjoy:



We're on to the fourth round (big fat yay), and you know, as is par for the course now, we get news of yet another injury. Gibbs and his damn wafer metatarsals. I'm pretty sure I'd rather Gibbs to Clichy these days. Oh well. So long as we manage to put together 11 for a kickabout on Saturday then.

BREAKING UPDATE: Gibbs' injury is only short term. Holy Mary Mother of...I'm not sure if this is the first time ever that an Arsenal injury has turned out to be less serious than originally feared. We must be turning a karma korner. Amazing.

It must be me. I've been getting used to - Oh, he seemed perfectly fine walking off the pitch. Probably just lost a couple of leg hairs. And two days later, we find out he's broken 12 bones, 9 toe-nails, couple of hamstrings and will be out for 8 years. So this is pretty good news.

Anyhow, here's my bet for the starting 11 on Saturday: Almunia, Sagna, Vermaelen, Squid, Clichy, Wilshere, Denilson, JET, Nasri, Arshavin, Chamakh. On the bench: Pat Rice, Pat Jennings, Ian Wright.

There's more good news from Mexico too. Looks like the Mexican FA has gone and banned Carlos Vela from international duty for six months from this month. Woooohoooo! Something to do with a party after the recent internationals. Hmph. Whatever. No more stupid long flights for internationals, injuries, jet lag, whatever. Excellent stuff. Keep it up, boy!

Final bit of trivia for the day. Looks like Mancini's finally figured out who he has in his dressing room. A bit of rich wusses, pussies, and other undescribables. Well Hallelujah! Amen.

"But at the same time it is important they start to change their mentality. If they want to become a top squad and a top team they must change it. It is impossible that every three days players do interviews complaining that they are not playing."

All I can say is: well, what the #$%!&^% did you expect?! Crikey.