Noise

Well, Wenger's provided his latest take on Barca.

"It is only noise. In our job we have to deal with what we can master. What we cannot influence is not to worry about."

Check.

"We have learned about that and I believe that in a big club you have to live with those kind of noises without being disturbed."

Double check.

"...he is our captain and we have worked very hard [for him] to be the future of our team and that is why we are always adamant about [not] letting him go."

Triple check.

What he's going to need now is to learn what the Catalan equivalent of FOAD is. Not like anything he says is ever going to make a difference, but at least he's said it.

Having read about Barca's debt of £369.5m - after making a loss of more than £64.36m last season, I think it would provide some reasonably decent entertainment for us to agree to talk, but only if Barca agree to start negotiations at £369.5m + £64.36m = £433.86. To be nice, we could agree to divide that by the five years remaining on Cesc's contract, for the asking price to go down by £86.77m every year.

Whatever the case, them fools had better start reconsidering UNICEF on their shirts.

Gotta make some money off that vaunted shirt of yours man. Try Chupa-Chups, suckers. From Barcelona too, no? I mean, if the Spanish "chupar" is "to suck", it would be quite apt for Barca, methinks.

Now that the requisite mention of Barca is out of the way, let's turn to the rather more familiar Groundhog Day-ish consideration of Arsenal's injury situation. It's just classic. The season hasn't even started, and Wenger is already talking about the same ole same ole:

Diaby crocked, Denilson crocked, Bendtner crocked, RVP - not sure, Cesc - not sure. Other question marks over Rosicky and Djourou.

Ahhhh....it's like we never left off last season.

But hey. It's Liverpool. We just need Nasri to take on the Cesc role, Chamakh to score a hat trick on his debut, the Arsh to add one more at the death, and we should be fine.

The Unbearable Lightness of Beans

Alright. Arse news at the off. SC Neusiedl 1919 0 - Arsenal 4. Chamakh gets his first Arsenal goal. Yeah, it was a penalty, but it should count too. Hey, Theo scored too. And Vela scored with another chippy lob. Looks like lobs is all he does.

On to more serious stuff with the Emirates Cup this weekend. That should be better fun, when the boys step it up a notch.

As far as the transfer news is concerned, the little matter of us being linked to just about every damn goalkeeper out there continues. This time it's Federico Marchetti. I think I did get a glimpse of the dude when he was in Geneva during that friendly betwixt Switzerland and Italy. No comment on his performance. Know jackshit about him (apart from his two games and a bit in South Africa), and that he's with Cagliari, and Cagliari seem more than happy to get rid of him. Doesn't sound good, but could be right up there with us signing the dodgiest of keepers.

As for keepers, well, word out is that Osasuna might want our Almunia. Hm. On his wages, they might just offer us 10 quid, a few cases of olive oil and chuck in some wine with it. Wenger would probably take it.

Clichy's out there talking the talk too. This is it. Now's the time. No more excuses. We gotta do it. We can do it. The usual. He forgot to mention the "unless we get the requisite stoopid injuries" part of the story. Ah well. Talk is for dudes like me. The players should just play.

Now, as if there weren't enough reasons, but here's another why I love the Arsenal:

Funny story about clubs and how often they change their kits. Over at the Arse, methinks it's just about right we see a new first kit every two seasons. Two seasons is good. After the end of the second, you're just about bored of the first, have totally worn out the current one, and eagerly anticipating what the new one's gonna looks like. And you won't feel like a right twit for having to buy another too soon after the last one. There's a real excitement to it too, I tell you.

I used to think this would be the common-sensical norm. But no...

Not especially at our money-grabbing neighbours. Those idiots have been fleecing their supporters with THREE new kits every season for the last SIX seasons. What the hell is that all about man? What kind of fool would support Spurs??? (Okay, forget that question - there are fools aplenty out there).

AND - just as bonus, there'll be different sponsors for each of their first, second and third kits, which means SIX in all this season. Shiver me bloody timbers. They should have different ones for Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, as well as Tuesdays and Wednesdays (these should be real money-makers, seeing how they won't be lasting very long in the Champions League). Add a Thursday one in too, for the inevitable Europa League games.

Well, I suppose if you do support Spurs, you kinda asked for it, and therefore deserve it. Que sera sera. To each his own. Funny travelling to an away game and not knowing what bloody colour your team's going to be trotting out it. Fools.

Finally. I have a confession to make. I've been turning cartwheels trying to get tickets for the Liverpool-Arse game. No luck so far. Fingers crossed, but the Pool seem to suck at having tickets available. So what do I do?

I'm in the region, so why not Man U-Newcastle on Monday? Yessiree. Might as well head down to Old Trafford, the belly of the beast, behind enemy lines, and see what it's all about.

With 76,000 seats, it was easy enough to snap one up. Right? Right. And that's what I did. So expect a deep-cover, deeply embedded report from Old Trafford thereafter.

Hell, there is a nice thing about visiting these stadiums. I've seen the likes of the Stade Gerland, even the watched Arse play at the Reebok. So why not Old Trafford? It's not like Stamford Bridge. I actually do have some respect for the United...

Ciao then.

P.S. - some may be wondering what the title of today's entry means. I'll tell you: nothing. One of those Quentin Tarantino things.

Stop Yanking My Chain!

For those who have read the Arsewiper through the World Cup, you'd have seen what I thought of Maarten Stekelenburg. Now, THAT would be a goalkeeping statement of intent. Not Schwarzer (still better than nothing), but the real thing.

So, having strummed my pain with their fingers, sung my life with their words, and killed me softly with their song, the tabloid media now puts the icing on the cake with the stoopid story that he's really in the running to come over to the Emirates. Why stoopid? Well, it seems he's available for £4 million. I don't think so.

But I do wonder what kind of conversation RVP would've had with Stekelenburg in South Africa. Along the lines of, shit, we have crap goalkeepers man, just c'mon over. Please, pretty please? But we'll see. Take this with a pound of salt, swallowed in one go. Same with stories about Igor Akinfeev too. C'mon. Just stop yanking my chain man.

Someone else who has been talking was the Arsh. Seems he's been giving Akinfeev the pitch. According to Akinfeev:

"Arsenal and Manchester United are two of the very best clubs in the world. If both of them are going to be looking for keepers this summer - or even the next summer - then of course I am interested.

Yes. We are interested. Now. Deal? Deal!

If only life were so simple. Just like in Monopoly. Anyways, the Arsh's pitch was pretty convincing:

"I have spoken with Arshavin about Arsenal and ­London life. He has only had good things to say about the club and the city. He said some very nice things about me going on to be the best goalkeeper in the world - and that he would like me to reach that goal at Arsenal with him."

Precisely. London - good food, great shopping, what more could you ask? Probably a bit warmer than Moscow too.

Away from the Emirates (the stadium, not the United Arab...), all sorts of things happening at Manciti. Well, not much, if you discount spending mad money. They're just totting it up, David Silva, Jermone Boateng, Yaya Toure...

But it has to be (Y) Toure's signing that just prods us over the edge into the unreal. The twilight zone of football transfers. The man's going to be making £200,000 a week. Probably the highest-paid player in the Premier League. And you have to wonder, Yaya Toure, the highest paid player in the league? Shit. The people at Eastlands are just creating an entirely new universe. (Getting visions of blue, ultra-tall aliens running around in the blue of Manciti).

But, but, but. The money never figured in his equations. No, sir. It was just that he had achieved everything, won everything with Barca, so he though: why not go to a club that has won nothing, and make that succeed? £200,000 a week? Really? I didn't see that when I signed the contract. Thought they'd made a mistake with an extra zero. Money never was an issue. Would've signed for free just to play with my bro.

Wonder why these people ever feel it necessary to justify their moves. Oh forgot. Apart from justifying their moves, there's also the feel-good, human-interest, I-was-dirt-poor angle to everything too. Classic.

Speaking of Manciti's spending spree, looks like Fernando Torres is on their list too, of course. Gonna be ready to break all sorts of transfer records. We all know the drill.

For now, new wager: how much on Mancini being the first manager to go next season. For all the money spent, won't be surprised if Mancini gets hung, drawn and quartered after the first three fixtures. Spurs, Pool, and then a lousy draw to Sunderland - death to Mancini. I can just see it.

Righty then. C'est tout. Maybe more tomorrow? We can only hope.

Pre-Season Sucks

Bad. It sucks really bad.

You know it's bad when you're celebrating a New York Red Bulls goal against Spurs. Yes, it was Henry, and yes, it was against Spurs, but there should really be better things out there to be watching and celebrating. Like a good signing. And I don't mean Sol Campbell.

I mean, things are so bad, I have to resort to news surrounding the French national team. I mean, it's not just because Laurent Blanc has suspended the entire World Cup team for their friendly against Norway. But because the game's supposed to be on 11 August. That's 5 days before our kick-off. What kind of stupid time is that for a meaningless international friendly?

AND - now that the entire bunch of "completely stupid" (Hugo Lloris, not me) idiots have been suspended, I'm sure it means calling up Samir Nasri, and knowing how these things work, how much are we going to put on him picking up some stupid injury while on top form?

This French team, I tell you - if it's not the manager suspending the sorry lot, it's a couple getting involved in some under-age sex scandal. That rules out Benzema for Norway as well? Okay, maybe not, but you get the sorry drift.

Poor Eduardo has headed off to Shakhtar Donetsk then. Poor Crozilian. Hope he deals with the cold alright. Gonna need some nifty hot water bottles for that leg. What more, apart from having had to deal with learning English - this a Croatian who spoke Portugese, he's now been told: buck up on that Russian, comrade! Ah well, he's Croatian, so it shouldn't be too bad. He's gonna have Едуардo on his shirt too? Cool.

These days, no news is news without some reference to Barca. Some mass hysteria/stupidity going on there, man. It's now Davia Villa talking about Cesc, as we all know - and this is another one for the scrap book too:

“I am not the Barcelona coach, nor the person responsible for reinforcements, but personally I will do the maximum to get Cesc here.”

Er, which is what? Chloroform? Kidnapping? Hypnosis? Voodoo? Stuff him in the suitcase?

Maybe it was just the translation from Spanish. Whatever. Screw me. These guys are weird.

That's it then. Maybe tomorrow, we'll take a look at the wonderful situation surrounding our four goalkeepers. You know you're up shit creek when you take a look at training photos, see four guys training between the sticks, and all you can say is...ah shiiiit.

It Just Gets Better and Better!

I'm gonna get the Barca shit out of the way at the off. Xavi's at it again. Bloody freak. I can't say it any better than the Arseblogger, so you can check out my views there too.

Cesc "on loan", a matter of time. Geez. I mean, test the logic and he's bloody on loan to Barca too. Just a matter of time before he heads back home to God (or the opposite direction). Damn. We're all on loan the minute we're born.

Anyways, wanna see something strange? Check out the first photo in this story.

Interesting... Cesc is left-handed. Wonder why he favours his right foot then. Hmmm. Must be the Barca DNA.

As for more pleasant news - RVP's our new #10. You could just imagine the period between the the time it became clear Mohawk Billy would go, the uncertainty over his request for a new number, and now the decision.

Psst. Boss. When that asshole goes - you gonna give me the #10? You can give my number to anybody who wants it man.

And so it happened. Carlos Vela, the new #11. Let's hope this means (a) less time on the bench, (b) less time on the treatment table, and (c) less time looking for lost passports.

It's not often (i.e. never) that we follow in the footsteps of Spurs, but this time, we have: in banning the vuvuzelas from the Emirates! Hooray! It's a nice, clever move, but let's face it. Who would bring a vuvuzela to an Arsenal game at the Emirates? Arsenal fan? Wouldn't be much of a fan if he/she would rather blow on that damn thing than have a nice song/chant/vulgarity or two. Somehow, "One-nil, to the Arsenal!" sounds a bit better than a monotonous ear-drum-blowing blare of a million mosquitoes.

Away fan? Well, then he'd probably have to consider having the blow on that vuvuzela through his nether regions instead.

It looks like we've added to our offer for Mark Schwarzer. Come on in, we'll give you a short-term job between the sticks, and after that, a coaching position. Sounds good to me. He may have the option of playing either for Martin Jol or Arsene Wenger, so let's see what the Ozzie thinks. Speaking of Ozzies, would he be the first Australian ever to play for Arsenal? Forgive me, but maybe someone out there tell me?

A bit of trivia for the day: Did anyone know that Gillian Anderson's supposed to be a committed Arse fan? Interesting that. All the more reason to like both Gillian Anderson and Arsenal even more. But of course, Kevin Costner's been spotted at Highbury and the Emirates too, so that line of reasoning can't always hold true...

Finally, a small literary contribution.

I've just started on it. Great book. Apart from the title (excellent!), I'm into the first chapter or so, and I have to say: spot on. You've gotta read it. Why England Lose? As I've been trying to say, because they just suck. And they can't blame anyone, not the foreigners, not the EPL, not Homer Simpson. You suck. Get used to it. Anyhows, go have a read and see.

Ciao then.

A month or so to go...

And we still don't have a new goalkeeper, still status quo with Cesc, still don't have another defender, and could soon see Eduardo head out along with Gallas and Silvestre.

All in all, no big surprises (yet) then.

News: Eduardo-Shakhtar Donetsk rumour. £6 million it seems. Just do it. Gotta feel sorry for him, but I think his hair and his pace (severe lack thereof) were starting to get to me anyway.

Not news: Endemic stupidity at Barca. Today, Guardiola: "I think bringing in Cesc will cost a lot. We want him to come, but if Arsenal don't want to negotiate, he won't come."

I don't think they'll ever get it. No, not £9.99, and yes, we don't want to negotiate.

But you can be sure, everyday for the next x years until Cesc actually signs for Barca, we'll hear the same old shit. Ah well. I'm a tad more zen about it now. There's only so much you can do with those so severely challenged intellectually.

I mean, here's the latest from Puyol as well:

"I think Arsenal need to respect his class and show the same class by giving the guy who has given so much to them the move that he and his family want. He isn't just being deprived of moving to the best club in the world. More importantly, he is being deprived of coming home."

Barca - talking about class. Respect too. Nice. It's so out there, you just gotta put it down to total stupidity. Must be why he's his heading's so damn good. Too much practice on his numbskull.

Best club in the world, Barca is. Indeed.

Y'tell that to my man Jose. He gonna kick your butt next season, I tell ya. Dat dawg's gonna whip your ass...

On yeah, the Arsenal-Joe Cole rumours officially come to an end today. He's gone to Liverpool, so while we will see him first day of the season, it'll be at Anfield. That's of course if he doesn't get injured during his physical.

So you gotta wonder. Why the heck he's gone to Liverpool. If not Arsenal, then perhaps even Spurs might've been a more logical option.

Could it be the prospect of playing some early European football at FK Rabotniki or FC Mika?

£90,000 a weeek?

Anyway, why didn't the twit just make up his mind earlier then?

Oh yes, of course. Rafa Benitez.

You know, I was thinking about our first fixture of the new season. I'd really like to see us smack a few past that bald twat Pepe Reina. Not sure if Cesc would be up to it, but 3 or 4 would be nice.

I mean, this is the idiot (from Madrid, supports Atletico) who was proclaiming Cesc as the future of Barcelona and all that. What kind of fool is he? From Madrid, plays for Liverpool, talking about Barcelona and dissing Arsenal. Screw that. Let's put a couple past the fool.

Later, dawgs.

Hiatus

Yes, there's been a small one. Some great things around, the last couple of days (kinda). So let's look back.

First, this is why The Sun is compulsory reading, I say. Absolutely hilarious. You gotta love the single-mindedness of the British tabloid press in getting this to press. In any case, can you imagine - Arseley Hole was actually in a higher ability French class! Might this explain his sentiments towards his English brethren? Bloody hell, he's actually French!

Second, there's the news that Henry has left Barca (god bless his soul, he reads this blog) and has done the MLS thing. Don't know about you, but New York is far cooler than LA - though both "Red Bulls" and "Galaxy" are precisely why the MLS ain't never going to get good any time soon. But hey, there'll at least be one new MLS observer with Henry heading over. Who knows, I may even keep watch on some of the scores.

Third, the English national team has been hit with a real stinker. Shocker. Kicked when they're down. With Arseley Hole renouncing his citizenship, the news now is that...Emile Heskey has quit the national team! Shock, horror, gasp. If things ain't bad enough, the FA has to be put in a position of having been quit on by...Emile Heskey. Rather sad that. On the same day that Henry also quits the French team, the news is supplanted by...Emile Heskey. Best example of the dating rule: dump before you're dumped, and in this case, the FA looks real nice having been dumped by...Emile Heskey, goal machine.

On the Arse front, no much happening - that's not related to Barca. Blah.

Yeah, those with the female names in Barca (there was Joan, then there's Sandra too) now realise that "Arsenal feels very hurt by Barca", and that the Cesc transfer may not happen thsi year. Well, took you long enough, fool. Anyway, I won't use the word "hurt". You get hurt by friends, people you love. You really get hurt by people you hate, despicable, ugly, people. They can't hurt you, but they so can irritate the bejeezus out of you. So, correct that sentence: "Arsenal feels very pissed off and irritated by Barca."

Can you imagine - one more summer of this in 2011? Shit.

Finally, the new boys in Koscielny and Chamakh are going to have a run out against Barnet. Let's see how that goes. Probably a goal each for Vermaelen and Koscielny.

Hopefully, there'll be more to talk about in days to come.

Bloody Sons of...

Bastards. Stupid bastards. If the rest of the world did not already know that Barcelona are a bunch of bastards, who have transplanted themselves unfortunately into the entire fabric of the Spanish national team, well, this is it. It's everywhere now.

Quite a few ways you can look at this: Lack of respect for Arsenal (obvious, and we're used to it); lack of respect for Cesc (as a professional, and betrays their obvious failings as professionals in that regard); lack of intelligence (we knew that of course).

If I were Spanish, a supporter of Real Madrid or any other darned team, I'd be non-plussed too. The only thing we've seen the last 4 weeks, now, and in the coming years is Barcelona=Spain, Spain=Barcelona, Barcelona=Spain, Spain=Barcelona, Barcelona=Spain, Spain=Barcelona, ad nauseum. Bunch of bozos (Pepe Reina included) can't celebrate their country winning their World Cup without bringing in Barcelona and Cesc Fabregas. If that's not pathetic, I don't know what is. I mean, they were celebrating in Madrid, for Chrissakes.

Not that I'd normally care, but when an Arsenal player gets dragged into it...

But - I hear them say: it's a joke. Funny, ha ha. Okay, joke, funny. Just as funny as if I grabbed same ugly Barca bollocks and squeezed with all my might, no? Funny too, that.

What else is happening on the Arse front, you might ask? Unfortunately, not much. The team are starting to train again, everyone is making nice with new friends like Chamakh and Koscielny, and waiting for the likes of RVP and Cesc to get home. Wonder how much of a break the French players are going to get. They should be right back there with Nasri, I say. Not that they did much running around in South Africa.

Oh yeah, there's also a little bit of news about Wenger dismissing rumours of Eduardo leaving the club. Hmm. Strange one that. Just why that's the case beats me. As we've said before, he just isn't the same. Gets slower from game to game, and his finishing gets worse with every bad touch. Sounds like a good bet for Besiktas, if you asked me.

Thought I'd close with nice video highlights of the final. Would've been nice if they could've made Alonso break up into tiny pieces from de Jong's karate kick though...

Till tomorrow then. Hopefully, there'll be nicer things to talk about than Barca.

WC Review: Spain. Yes, Spain

This is late. And you know why? Coz I've been thinking about it long and hard. Really hard.

And also because it was bloody hot last night, and after 120 minutes, having a fifth shower that evening, having to exorcise the trauma of watching so much of Carles Puyol, I really was not in the mood. But, I did take the chance to think about it a bit.

So, Spain won. The purveyors of the finest goddamn football this planet has seen since god knows when, the goldenest of golden generations, the crucible of cool, the best thing since, and even better then sliced bread. Spain won. The scorers of 8 goals in 7 games, but the passingest passing team ever to go near a spherical leather bound object. They won. Hurray.

If we're to buy into the hyperbole that has been written before the game, listened to what was said during, and will probably have to endure after, then Spain have well and truly led us into the Age of Aquarius. (Cue: relevant song, and Puyol running around in a tie-dyed shirt).

Speaking of which: Goddamnit. Can someone please tell me why I should go to arsenal.com, chance upon photos of Cesc at the World Cup, with the World Cup and also have to endure a handful of semi-pornographic shots of Cesc and Puyol ogling and fondling their friggin' trophy? I mean, forgive me. But they are semi-pornographic. Just go check it out, and you tell me if those pictures aren't really obscene.

Okay, as for the game itself. Yes, it was kinda boring, but really, anybody with an iota of common sense would've known that you weren't going to get a Uruguay 2-Germany 3 kind of game. That's precisely why it's called a consolation. Consolation - as in a game that doesn't really matter, where the stakes aren't so high, and where teams can play a good open game, without being as defensive as they normally would. We were never going to get that with Spain-Holland, so for those who were expecting it, don't be stupid. Media hyperbole's always expected, but I thought as far as it goes, it was probably one of the more watchable World Cup finals we've had in recent incarnations.

Getting to my favourite bit then: Holland's Sopranos-kick-them-in-the-bollocks tactics.

Well, I loved it. Every single bit of it. Yes, Nigel de Jong deserved to get a straight red and charged with criminal intent for his karate kick on Xabi Alonso. But be honest - how many of you out there didn't say: "Ooooooo, damn! Ouch...Excellent!" Just like watching what they call "Ultimate Fighting Championship" no? I can only say I wished it wasn't Alonso, who's actually kinda, sorta a nice guy. Smart guy too, to leave Pool. Better it was Puyol or Xavi.

It was great, and anybody could've guessed that Holland would get into the game with the sole intention of squeezing the bollocks of the Spanish team. I suppose the only surprise was how violent and cynical it actually got. But hey, throw in a few Spanish dives, and I liked how legitimate rolling about was mixed in with the obvious "simulations".

There will of course be some out there who will ask how I, an Arsewiping Arse lover, could sanction such thuggery. Well, hey - why not? Do I have double standards? Well, my only standard is that: (a) Arsenal are not Barcelona, (b) Spain is almost 100% Barcelona, (c) All the worst of the self-absorbed wankers of Spain deserve whatever they get.

What is funny though, are the double stadards of those people I had to endure watching the BBC telecast. Not going to say more, than I agree 101% with the arseblogger. Exactly, my friend.

But you know what? Double standards is one thing - but utter daftness is another. Check this out. I mean, yes, there may have been more than a tinge of negativity in both the Spanish and Dutch tactics, but to suggest (see last sentence) that the English, French and Italians are having a nice titter on the beach? C'mon. Let's stop kidding yourselves, why don't you?

Wayne Rooney: "Tee hee hee. Lookit them, playing like wankers. No way in hell I'd want to be in the finals! No, no no. I'm more than 'appy to have a crap World Cup and make a fool of myself."

Sorry, back to the game.

Did Spain deserve to win on the night? On balance, probably yes.

Did Holland deserve to win? Probably not, but they did have a great chance to win it, if not for idiot Robben.

Did Holland deserve to win on the strength of their performances in qualifying and all through the early stages? Probably yes. But shit, this ain't a league competition. They'd have won hands down if it were, and Spain would probably be somewhere in third with a lousy goal difference.

All in all, put it this way.

I found myself in Portugal during EURO 2004, and bought myself a Portugal jersey. They nearly won it. I still wear it every now and then. Bought myself a French kit in 2006 for the World Cup, and they nearly won it too. I wear it every now and then as well. Bought myself a Spain kit for EURO 2008 and the did win it but I'll never wear that damn thing again. I've now got myself a Holland jersey, and I'll happily wear it for some time to come. Anybody out there want to buy a used but fairly new Spain 2008 kit with Cesc and his old #18 on it. A real collectors' item!

It's now mid-July. A month or so more till kick-off. Just about enough time for the usual transfer speculation madness, but I suppose one month is better than two and a half months. Time to get over all this World Cup-ness and get on with normal life. Good and bad I suppose. Once August comes, no real reason to even have to think of any Spaniards apart from Cesc. If he stays, that is.

As of now, in his post-(whatever) glow of exhilaration, he says he's staying. But who knows. People say the darnedest things in these moments.

Ta ta then. For those who've read the arsewiper for the first time this World Cup, please do come back.

You Know What I'd REALLY Like?

To see Mark van Bommel do the deed on Sunday with ole Xavi and Iniesta. That would be nice. One up the khyber in the second minute. Yum.

Much has been and will be said about the Dutch team, their style (or lack thereof), or the very fact that they aren't Spain. But screw it. I love it that they're the anti-Spain. Nice little piece here talking about the Dutch team. Methinks they've got great balance. At times, not the most pretty, but it works when it needs to work. With Sneijder, RVP and Robben up front, what you'll need is a spine with the van Bommels and de Jongs. That will probably be the key on Sunday. (Though our friends in Orange with probably have to watch not getting sent off too. Face-grabbing galore, probably).

Anyways, more important news elsewhere: that damned octopus is at it again. I tell you. That has got to stop. I have a feeling it may just have jinxed the Dutch, and if it does come to pass that Spain does win - I'll join the marauding Dutch and Germand hoards out for some fresh octopus. Maybe the next guess it should make is how he's going to die. One box with a small barbecue in it, and the other box with a nice bouillon pot.

Time for some Arseness. You know, if Cesc does go, and other transfers pan out in our favour, I don't see it as the end of the world (as I've said on many other occasions). For one, I could not take another summer next year going through the same old shit with Barca. But more importantly, let's face it. Say we get Mesut Ozil, Joe Cole, Felipe Melo (very mixed feelings about that one), plus some nice defensive cover. Even minus Cesc, I still think that with Chamakh and Koscielny in, we look pretty much in the black.

So I say we bankrupt the damn Catalans, use the money to get Ozil, and who knows, someone else, get everything settled way before August, and we should be in good shape.

I mean - let's get real. We've won zip since 2005, and the intervening years have been the Cesc Fabregas years, right? Well, especially in his year with the captaincy, the record hasn't been sterling either.

What more - the dude can't even make the Spanish team!

Tonight's the rather meaningful 3rd place play-off game then. The German team has conveniently come down with a mass flu epidemic. (Wonder if they'd have had the same flu if they were due to play on Sunday). Anyways, they'll probably be able to stroll past the Uruguayians. In any case, if the South Americans do pull one over the Germans, I'd feel pretty happy for them too. Well done. Much better than Argentina or their more thuggish Chilean counterparts.

Big report then tomorrow. Night night.

WC Review: Spain

What a disappointment. What a bummer. What a let-down.

Germany didn't show up. Klose thought he was playing for Bayern again. Spain weren't that much better. Needed a Puyol header from a corner. Lousy semi. Pffft.


I mean, this was a World Cup semi-final, and by minute 35, I was slowly nodding away. Showered, cut my toe-nails, had a pedicure, trimmed the eye-brows, came back, and still looked as plodding as ever.


I feel cheated.

So it's Holland-Spain then. Not too bad actually. Spain don't have it in them to score more than one goal against any team of substance, so that should give us some added confidence. Villa looked effectively dealt with, and really, the dodgy Spanish defence was never really tested.


What more - I suppose nothing would give me better pleasure than seeing Holland give the Spanish team one up the khyber.

Oh yes - final thing. Looks like Cesc is continuing to prove his worth to the Spanish team by spending another 90 minutes on the bench. Well, if he stays with us, at least he'll be fresh in August.


Since I find myself in this unexpectedly vile mood against all things Spanish and by extension Barca, why not more...

Now, we all know that Barca exists in an entirely different (and not very likeable) universe, but it seems now that this universe also involves clubs not paying their players on the one hand, and splashing out the dough on players on the others. I mean, how pathetic is that? This is supposed to be the greatest football club on the face of the planet? One that's forced to take loans to pay their players.

I keep saying it - make them pay even more through their noses for Cesc, and just for the heck of it, I'd love to see a financial meltdown over at the Camp Nou. This is how money works over there, in relation to their buying Cesc:

"We would not pay the 50-60m euros that I have read about. If Arsenal do not go crazy, he might play at Barca."

"There will be 50m euros to sign more players. This is the case every year. This is our plan for the future. Technically, as of now we have 50m euros plus 15 for Chygrynskiy and 24 for Toure. In total, 89m euros."

Of course we're gonna friggin' crazy. Crazy's good. Crazy as in taking loans to pay players and then splashing out 89 million more euros on even more players and higher wages. Sweet.

Bloody OTT psychos.

That's it for tonight. (I'm hearing vuvuzelas, car horns, people screaming...and this in Switzerland. Yay)

WC Review: Holland, Holland, Holland!

Another satisfying night of football. The sad thing is, there're only going to be two more nights. (I don't count the third-place play-off, for obvious reasons). Let's hope they're both as satisfying.

Again, the Dutch never seemed to be at 100% for any extended stretch of the game. It took one brilliant master-stroke from Gio van Bronckhorst to break the deadlock, and after that, Uruguay never really looked to have the class to threaten the Dutch. They did, however, have Diego Forlan, and the man as no doubt shown he is still one to watch on the world stage. You cannot mitigate against moments of 95% class, and 5% goalkeeping dodginess, and you had to accept that Uruguay deserved it.

Second half, and the Dutch again were looking comfortable but unspectacular. Of course, up stepped Sneijder who with his usual mix of class and luck, managed to find the net with a dribbly effort. RVP looked decidedly non-plussed that he didn't get his toe to it. Lucky there, yes, but Robben's third was as classy as Gio's. With his head too. Not bad at all.

From then, they really should've added a fourth - with the best chance coming to Robben right at the end. That's when things started to get iffy. In my mind, it started with Robben getting substituted in the 90th minute and looking like the game had already been won. I mean, yes, soak it in, but I think it did the team no good to be strolling and grinning to themselves with the Uruguay team still on the pitch.

So it happened - a goal to get things really dodgy in the 92nd minute. And the extra minute and a half of added time played didn't help. Van Marwijk's gonna have to knock a few heads together to get that out of the way for Sunday.

Full credit to Uruguay too - but you had to feel that this was probably it, and the team knew it. With no Suarez, quality was lacking - but they more than made up for it in terms of graft. Hats off, but it's now Europe all the way through to the finals and the eventual winners. Who would've though going into the final 16 right?

I was just having a think about the many things I like about the Dutch team. And you know what? Here's one:

Tonight's starting 11: Not a single player who plays in Spain. In fact, you take the entire squad, and methinks only van der Vaart can claim the honour of being paid by Real Madrid. Pretty clean if you asked me.

And what more - Germany. Not a single player in the entire 23 plays in Spain too. Sweet. You always knew who I'd be rooting for in tomorrow's semi-final anyway.

So, with the semi-finals out of the way, the next step: finals. But before that, the dudes have gotta go get themselves a hotel. Uh-huh. No hotel booking it seems. Booked till the 5th. How stupid is that? Anyways, I'm sure Brazil freed up some rooms. And Spain probably will too.

On the Arse front: Barca have reportedly refused to cough up the 50 million quid we've supposedly asked for Cesc. Well, first, I don't think we'd have asked for that. But if we did, and they really have refused it, then perfecto. FOAD too. Unfortunately, don't think there'll be any FO-ing nor any D-ing involved here. There'll be more to come.

Next report's going to be on Iniesta and his conversations with Cesc standing by the urinals.

Our spending spree (ha!) on defenders continues with some dude called Serdar Tasci. Sounds like a disease. Anyhows.

Back at the Emirates, the Arse are back at training. All sorts of nice and distubing pictures abound. First, Samir Nasri looks more and more like someone I could like. Must be nice hanging out in London, away from all the you-know-whos. And Chamakh too. Jack Wilshere's back training at home at least. And Kieran Gibbs isn't covered in plaster cast, which is good.

But alas. There's Almunia. Saw Mannone too. But get this. No Fabianski. No sir. This is real Sovietology, I tell you. Checking out who appears in what photo. No Fabianski. There's even Sczezecezeny. Maybe he was just getting the water. Oh yeah. There's Theo training too. With his ear-stud on. Typical English muppet.

Ciao then. More happiness tomorrow, hopefully.

PRE-SEMI TELEGRAM

ARS WIP 091109

INTERLAKEN, CH 05/07 2000

QUICK MSG. STOP. WATCHED BOTH QUARTERS TWO DAYS AGO. STOP. NO BLOODY TIME TO DO THIS. STOP.

ARGENTINA: ALWAYS FEARED THIS WOULD HAPPEN. PEAKED TOO EARLY? STOP.

HOW CAN TEAM WITH MESSI AND HIGUAIN LOSE LIKE THAT? PATHETIC. STOP. DEFENDING WORTHY OF THE WORST IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE. STOP.

GERMANY LOOKS GOOD. STOP. GOOD THING HOLLAND HAVE URUGUAY. STOP. CAN'T WAIT. WILL BE GREAT TOMORROW. STOP.

SPAIN: LUCKY SOBS. STOP. GOTTA FEEL SORRY FOR PARAGUAY. DESERVED MORE. STOP. GONNA GO OUT TO GERMANY. STOP.

MEANTIME: PIQUE TALKING SHIT AGAIN ABOUT CESC AND BARCA. STOP. TYPICAL. STOP. NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HATE SPAIN? STOP. CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT BARCA EVEN WHEN THEY'RE PLAYING AND TRAINING FOR SPAIN. ASSHOLES. STOP.

FULL REPORT TOMORROW. STOP.

WC Review: Holland!

What a day, what a game, what a victory!

Simply incredible, the turn around that we witnessed. A slow, ponderous Holland struggled in the first half, and were clearly lucky to get into half-time only one goal down. You had to fear for the the worst, as Brazil came out firing, and even by the 8th minute, were deservedly through following a simple through ball cutting apart the Dutch defence. This was the plodding Holland of games past, and it was clear that if nothing changed, they would finally get punished for it.

Sneijder was off it, RVP too, and Robben was at his most frustrating best, with his mazing runs being nothing better than mazy runs to nowhere.

1-0 at half time, and things didn't lok good. Still didn't look good 10 minutes after the re-start. And then, all of a sudden, from a nothing ball into the box, the until-then immense Julio Cesar and Felipo Melo contrive to gift the Dutch a goal. Totally un-Brazilian, and they seemed to come off worse for it. Shell-shocked, and they never looked the same after that.

The Dutch must've sensed it, as they upped the tempo finally and pressed forward. The Brazilians? Nowhere. From Kaka to Robinho, the best seemed to wilt with the equaliser.

Brazil - were remarkable, both in terms of their dismal efending in the lead up to both Holland goals, and in their response to the first. You could see it, and even feel it - the Brazilian deflation after the fiasco of letting in the softest of equalisers. From then, it was almost inevitable that they would let in a second, and again - defending. Sneijder, with miles of space right in front of goal, with a rare header.

Self-destruction is not something you would normally associate with the Brazilians, but shit, this was precisely what they had done. Felipe Melo adding to the joke with a pathetic stamp on Robben.

At 2-1, with more than 20 minutes to play, you still felt the Dutch had it sewn up. Shell shock is the only way I think I can describe the Brazilians. If not for some really suspect finishing, the Dutch might so easily have added a third or fourth.

All in all, though, the Dutch showing up for half an hour did more damage than the Brazilians did in their better half and a bit. I'm glad to say things are looking super good for Holland. Tomorrow's going to be "Wear Your Orange Jersey" Day for me!

A word on the absolutely crap playing surface. It was bad the last game was played here, and it was unacceptable this time round. It was pathetic. It was almost Wigan, and there must be something said about how the slow, unpredictable surface made for painful watching, and also very difficult playing. Don't know if it was my imagination, but there were tired legs all over the place by the time Holland got their equaliser. Of course, the more tired legs seemed to be Brazilian.

I'm not even going to go into the Uruguay-Ghana game. What amazing drama right at the end. Suarez with a brilliant save (with his hands) in the last second and Gyan missing the penalty with the last kick of the game. Bizarre! Never quite seen anything like it.

At that point, you really couldn't see the poor Ghanaians picking themselves back up immediately. And while Gyan did the amazing thing by putting away the first penalty in the shoot-out, the eventually crumbled. It was sad to see. Ghana should rightly have gone through, but for the illegally denied goal.

Ah well. Suarez will miss the game v Holland. Perfect. And the gods will have their revenge.

There was some funny news today on Nigeria and FIFA (again). FIFA's becoming quite reliable as a source of entertainment. Merci beaucoup!

This time, it surrounds Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan's decision to ban the team for two years from international competition following their performance at the World Cup.

The response is classic. How I see the whole thing, in lay-man summary is like this:

Nigeria: We're banning the team for two years from international competition.

FIFA: That's political interference. You can't do that. You'd better rescind that. Or we're going to suspend you. Yes, we're serious. We will, you hear? You don't lift that ban, we're going to suspend you. Only we are allowed to suspend you, you can't suspend yourself, you hear!!??

Arseley Hole as always also provides some entertainment. There's that story about his text, talking about how he hates England and the people. Funny. Trust Arseley Hole to not realise that the "people" somehow includes him too.

But hey, the English people are nothing if not toughies, and I'm sure they'll deal with Hole as appropriate. Hey, you built him up, up to you bring him down too. So much for the Three Lions. Wonder how he felt during that photo shoot for M&S.

"I hate M&S. Stupid M&S. Stupid suits. Stupid people. Stupid place. I hate England!"

Alright. Nighty night.

24 more hours....Just 24 hours more...

Yet more footballing silence.

But the Arsenal have gone and done the right thing by brightening our day with the launch of our new kit for 2010/11. Pretty nice, I must say. Apart from funny looking sleeves with the extra fat trim, looks like something that we can win something in. I'm thinking it's more Champions League material. Has that continental European look to it, no?

It seems the kit's made of recycled bottles. At least now I know there's a good reason why I keep having to refrain from chucking my bottles into the bin. Mrs Arsewiper will be pleased. Oh yes, forgot about the whole environment thing. Yes, yes, good idea that.

Over on the Arse transfer-related news, it seems Laurent Koscielny's been wrapped up and delivered, and the latest rumour is we're looking at Per Mertesacker. Whatever it is, we'll need two defenders at the minimum in any case. And both these options plus Hangeland will never be too shoddy.

Liverpool has also gone and done the right thing in exciting their fans on a no-football day. Roy Hodgson. The obvious choice, no doubt. But poor Fulham. Wonder if this means going back to the sad old days of Chris Coleman and Lawrie Sanchez. Wonder too if this means a few of their better players are going to move. There's always the Hangeland to Arse rumour, and some have suggested Clint Dempsey could be travelling with Hodgson. Wouldn't mind having him for about £2 million ourselves.

You know, was thinking about the new season and everyone coming back together. Don't know about you, but aren't Clichy, Diaby and Sagna going to be bringing some seriously bad vibes back to the Emirates? Would be especially bad with Samir Nasri sniggering all the damn time at them. And Wenger making sarcastic remarks about them not training hard enough.

But, I think it should be happy campers. We've got a good bunch of guys. Gallas has gone for one. And we aren't Chelski. Imagine, having Malouda and Terry in the same team. Real team-players there. Shivers.

Was having a little laugh with a few Pool fans lamenting their financial situation. Came up with a nifty idea. Bring Liverpool to Roy Hodgson (save him the trip up north), set up shop at Craven Cottage, sell Anfield to Everton (get at least a few quid there to pay for Craven Cottage), sell Gerrard, who'll probably want to leave (get another few more quid there), and with the fall in the number of supporters, everyone should fit in nicely at Craven Cottage.

So you get a new stadium, plus a bit of cash left over. What more can you ask?

The 2-day footballing Bermuda Triangle ends tomorrow with a bang. Holland v Brazil. Yummiest tie of the World Cup so far. Yes, England-Brazil has some serious history, yes, Spain-Portugal has some neighbourly tensions to it too. But in terms of contenders for the World, both are serious contenders. Should be fun.

Of course, the evening tie's a bit of a dud. Uruguay-Ghana. Yip. Pee. They may just serve up something entertaining, but it's never fun watching a quarter-final knowing neither of the two are contenders.

Saturday sees the last two: Argentina-Germany (another yummy one) and Spain-Paraguay. Surprise surprise there.

Thank for it's over. Till tomorrow.