Review: Arsenal 0 - Fulham 0

For once, I am writing this with a clear mind. I am positive, and looking forward, being constructive in what we have to do. It's clear.

Le Boss needs out. Not necessarily permanently, but at least for a while. Who we need is not a new team (though that would be nice), not Guus Hiddink, not Scolari, not even Alex Ferguson. Who we need is Father Merrin; and that's Lankester Merrin. For those of you who do not know who he is, click here. In fact, sources saw him arriving at the Emirates immediately after the game. Hence the photo. Let's hope it really was him, coz he's the only one who can help us now. Father Arshavin of the Orthodox Church could not help, so this has to be it.

It is clear that an unclean spirit inhabits our beloved team. I ask all worthy Arse fans to find an Arse team poster (recent, preferably - no point finding one from the 2003-4 season), stand in front of it, and, as so effectively done by Father Merrin in the past, repeat his words as below.

God help us in this time of need. Proceed (click here for detailed instructions):

* * * * *

I cast you out!!! Unclean spirit...! ...in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ!!!

It is he who commands you! He who flung you from the heights of Heaven to the depths of hell!

...Be gone!! ...from this creature of God!!!

Be gone!! In the name of the Father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit!!

By this sign of the holy cross, of our Lord Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with the father and the holy spirit...

Defender of the human race... ...look down in pity...

... upon this your servant, Regan Teresa MacNeil (substitute Arsenal Football Club)

I command you by the judge of the living and the dead, to depart from this servant of God.

(This is the really good bit, so shout out loud, please)

It's the power of Christ, that compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you.

He brought you low by his bloodstained cross! Do not despise my command because you know me to be a sinner. It's God himself who commands you! The majestic Christ who commands!

God the Father commands you! God the son commands you! God the holy spirit commands you! The mystery of the cross commands you! The blood of the martyrs commands you!

* * * * *

NB: These things usually take time, so please unless we all do this, I don't think we're going to see any effect by Tuesday.

Ponderances

On an evening where Diaby does an amazing recovery from his toe nail injury, it makes sense to reflect a little on what makes and breaks this Arsenal team. So this will be a more...how do you say..."reflective" post.

Ever since that season, 1997-8, when we won the double, and Le Boss' first full season, we've been a confidence team. Who could ever forget how we just went on that incredible roll in catching and then getting that one point ahead of Man U - running simply on incredible confidence.

The way we play, the way Le Boss has developed his philosophy, has to some extent been based too much on prevailing confidence levels within the team. The more confident they are, the better they pass; the better they pass, the more confident they get, and the more goals they score. But this confidence is clearly fragile - and the first time that fragility really got exposed was when we had that 49-game unbeaten run halted at Old Trafford. You could see it, the deflation - which was based on nothing but the total and inexplicable loss of confidence. We haven't recovered since. Fast forward to Birmingham, that draw and Eduardo's injury. It was a useful away draw, we were still comfortably ahead (by 6?), and there was absolutely no reason for panic. Mohawk Billy's behaviour sure made things worse. But that's what happened. That's what happens when you depend so much on "confidence" in dictating your style of play.

So my theory is this. All teams of course, run on confidence. But the way we play, places way too much importance on how confident the team actually is. Call it the Confidence Quotient (CQ). The higher the CQ, the more beautiful and unbeatable the team could be - but at the same time, the more susceptible and fragile they can be. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say our CQ is probably 10. Man U would probably 5, perfect balanced- where whether or not the team as a whole is confident, they have that knack of pulling off results. Chelski under Scolari was probably a 7 or 8. Pool? About the same. Of course, if you're a 1 on that scale, you'd be...er Fulham. Crappily boring generally all the time, but not that bad that you become a Derby County of 2007-8.

The higher the CQ, and the lower the current level of confidence, the greater the likelihood of passing the ball too death, the more likely you will see Eboue decide not to shoot or pass when he should, and the more passes you'll see within the opposing penalty box. In other words, what we've been seeing for long periods this season.

The higher the CQ, and the higher the current level of confidence, the greater the likelihood you'll see runs like the 49, the passing of the Unbeatables, the finishing of Henry, the vision of Pires and the goals from outside the penalty box.

What Le Boss needs to do is build a team with a lower CQ, less dependent on confidence, more able to grind out those victories from mediocre performances. Where does he start? In the centre of midfield and defence. It's a cliche, but the four right in the middle are the heart of Arsenal. Kolo and Mohawk Billy seem to be fine now - but weren't at the beginning of the season when we leaked stupid goals for fun. Now, the problem is the centre of midfield.

We've never replaced Petit, Vieira, Gilberto or Flamini. What we've got instead are Denilson and Song. Not on by far, I say. Not sure Ramsey will ever be the same, no matter how he develops. What he may be would be a Cesc alternative.

Coming back to the present then - we're all just waiting for that one day, one game, one pass, one goal - when everything changes. I thought it happened at Cardiff, when Eduardo returned. But of course, we know what happened. If we'd put away a few, and had beaten Roma by 4 or 5, that would have been the day, but it wasn't.

Would it be Fulham? Probably not, given both teams' recent fixation with 0-0 draws. So let's look forward to Roma away. Remember 5-1 at the San Siro? Real Madrid 1-0? That's exactly what we need for a good run in both the league and Champions League.

Or it may never come this season. With the injuries and disruptions.

Maybe that's why Le Boss signed an Arshavin. More than a solid defender, an Arshavin does have that ability to suddenly spark some confidence. Too late for a defender or midfielder anyway. My bet is that he'll do it this summer.

So till then, this is the last of my philosophising. Good night.

Breaking News!!

Just about everyone's getting really excited about what Cesc is supposed to have said: that we're out of running for the league. Case in point is here. It's remarkable how it's worthy news. If you consider what he actually said...

"It's not realistic to look at the league title now. You can never say never but we would not be intelligent to be looking right to the top of the league."

...you'd see that he's saying you'd be "not intelligent", i.e. stupid to be thinking of winning the league. Which is as self-evident as anything I've seen in a long time. So yes, let's just focus on just overhauling Aston Villa, which is such a depressing thought.

Some more amusing news is the excitement also over some comments made by Salomon Kalou. These are his supposed words:

''Wenger said he thought of signing me? That's an honour for me, an honour.''

''He is a very great coach and I know that every single player in the world dreams of playing for him. I have a lot of respect for him, he is one of the best coaches in the world so why not?"

''I am still under contract with Chelsea but of course I have plenty of friends who play for Arsenal in Kolo, Eboue (???) and Ade. They are achieving huge things at Arsenal and watching them play is just beautiful.''

So again, this is being seen as something to get Chelski all worried, but let's get real. This has come out of the blue, months from the summer, so who cares. Absolutely rubbish.

The news from the treatment room is that Diaby the Man of Glass is injured yet again. This is getting to comical proportions. So comical it's not even funny - even unfunnier given that this just means more of Denilson and Song this weekend. Speaking of Denilson and Song, not sure what Cesc has been watching, but he kinda fancies the pairing:

"I’ve played with both of them, of course, and I can say they work really hard, they always give their best and are very honest players."

"At Arsenal there's a lot of pressure because we are a big club but from my perspective, and from outside, I think they are doing well."

Some people are better at reading between the lines than others, so let me translate this:

"work really hard", "give their best", "honest" = nice guys but really quite crap, especially the Song half.

Nothing much else happening, so we'll just to have till Saturday.

Review: Arsenal 1 - Roma 0

First off, 1-0 in the first leg of any European knock-out at home is always a good score. But if there’s ever any “bad” 1-0, then this was it. It was scary how tentative we were in front of goal. (Tentative is the nicest I can say it).

Basically, the first 60 minutes of the game were as good as we’ve played in a long time – and we really made Roma look like a Cardiff, and should’ve put them away as quickly as we did Cardiff. Things were wonderful from the first to second thirds of the pitch, but once we got there, things always seemed to fizzle. And, just as I thought they only way we’d ever score was from the penalty spot, we got lucky. RVP the maker, RVP the deliverer. What we’d have done without him, I don’t know.

So 1-0 in the first half. Then the first 15 minutes of the second, which saw Nick Bent flub chance after chance, after a first half that had already seen him waste countless chances with lousy first touches. Skyed one when it would’ve been easier to score, and then…miss of the century from none other than Eboue. I won’t bother to describe it. Too goddamn painful. Just go see if there are highlights. He had an open goal, decided he could not shoot, dribbled into as many Roma players as he could find, then when the angle was tightest, decided it was about time he shot and so he did, and missed. God bless that absolutely useless twat.

Defensively, we were really sound, and hats off to Kolo and Mohawk Billy for playing well together. (They even spent some extra quality time together in the changing room at half time). Sagna and Clichy were their usual selves, and for a while, Diaby looked really useful too. Then of course, we had to send on Eboue’s midfield kindred spirit: Alex Song. God bless this second absolutely useless twat. Did nothing other than pass sideways as usual, never broke into anything more than a jog, and just wasted space.

As far as the player ratings go, you’ll see who our star performers were:

Almunia 8 – Tried hard not to fall asleep, and when called on, looked really comfortable.

Clichy 8 – He was everywhere. Probably figured we needed help upfront, but never neglected his defensive duties. Immense.

Gallas/Toure 7 – Sound and stable, but I took off a point for coming on after the break late! That was really odd for a professional game. Two dudes running back onto the pitch after the ref had started the game. Freaky.

Sagna 7 – Not as effervescent as Clichy, but did his job against an inept Roma attack.

Nasri 8.5 – Super performance. Provided the spark to the team. Did a good job roaming behind RVP with Nick Bent on the left. Most good things seemed to come from him.

Denilson 7 – Not spectacular, nothing really bad, just kinda average. Seems to be the story of his life.

Diaby 7.5 – Rather useful touches in patches. Unlike Mr Song, seemed interested in playing some football, and helping his team move forward, towards the opponents’ half. But may have gotten injured tying his laces...leading to Song.

Eboue 5 – Ran like a mad dog, but when it came time to make that pass, had a rather impressive 100% fail rate. So I gave him 5 for just making the effort. His miss was something to behold.

Bendtner 5 – Really, he should now shut his fat gob and NEVER ever talk about his right to be in the first team again. First team in Birmingham, yeah. But not this one. His first touches and finishing were unforgiveable.

RVP 7 – Average performance really, but his average is still miles above the best that many in this team (save the defence) can offer. PLEASE do not get injured in the shower.

Vela 6 (sub) – Thought Bendtner was useless. Until he came along. Nothing happened on the left, and couldn’t defend. At least Bendtner could get a little bit more height and heft in defence. Betrayed his age tonight.

Song 0 (sub) – Just get out of my sight, boy.

Ramsey 7 (sub) – In his less than 10 minutes, showed that he’s a better option than Eboue, even if he were to suddenly lose the use of one leg and both eyes. More imagination, more brains.

All in all, Roma were so crap, they’d have been whipped by Sunderland. We only have ourselves to blame for not putting the entire tie to bed. But I suppose this happens to teams who have lost ALL confidence in front of goal. I should just be grateful we still have someone to draw and convert penalties. So, for a team who can’t score, let’s be happy with a 1-0 we can take to Rome. If Roma keep it up, we should have a good chance. If given 1-0 before the game, I’d have taken it and run.

Oh yeah, final point on “The Beast”. He was back to his crappiest crap best. Hurray. At least he’s fair. Maybe it’s the red of Arsenal that brings out the crap in him. He did score that 4 against Pool in yellow, no? Had little more than 3 touches of the ball, and one wild shot at goal. Sounds about typical of his contributions to Arsenal.

Thanks to another glass of wine, I can go to bed with some peace. I was expecting for a good half an hour for Roma to spring an equalizer. It never came, they were so crap. Thank god for that. Wonder if Fulham will be as crap as Roma.

Nighty night. Given that the 3 other European ties were drawn, Arse fans should at least go to bed happy.

The Day Before Tuesday

Okay then. It's Monday. Made it through Sunday and Saturday with a face like Wenger's, and now wondering about Tuesday. It's funny how the mental calendar revolves around the Arsenal fixture list.

Home game, away game, mid-week game? European game, FA Cup weekend, mid-week Carling Cup game? Bloody international week? Knocked-out of FA Cup free weekend? Not to mention, of course, the dreaded purgatory of the months of June-August. This year will be particularly bad. One of those odd years between the EURO and World Cup years.

Anyway, we've still got something to watch on Tuesday night, and that's more than I could ask for. But before I go there, there's some rather "funny" news out there, concerning one disgruntled Arse fan.

It seems during last season's 1-1 home draw against Villa, a rather silly dude - this chap by the name of Michael Clancy, sitting in the HOME section, jumps up and celebrates Senderos' own goal. Now, there are many many things wrong about this:

(a) Celebrating an away goal in the home section (obvious)
(b) Celebrating an own goal (even worse)
(c) Celebrating a Senderos own goal (friggin' takes the cake)

So what happens is that this Arse fan, David Knight, walks up to him and pushes him down the flight of concrete Emirates stairs, whereupon Mr Clancy gets his face smashed in. What's particularly worrying is that Mr Arse fan was watching the game with Master Arse fan junior. Wonder what he said to his kid when he walked back to him.

Choose between:

(a) "Now STOP calling me a scaredy cat. I did it, okay??!!!"
(b) "Tell Mum and you're never coming to another game with me again."

Weirdos all around.

Elsewhere, Sir has come up with a brainwave in describing our problems: "I don’t think he likes buying defenders. That lacks balance."

Well, right now, I wouldn't say that our problem lies in defence. He says we've got great attacking players. But yeah, they're doing a real good job at attacking. The problem, as I said on Saturday then, is neither defence nor attack, but right in the middle.

Meanwhile, Arshavin’s having a nice rest this week, and thank god he’s ineligible for Tuesday’s game. So says the young man:

"If I played on Saturday in the Russian Premier League, I think I would have been okay but the English Premier League is quicker. So I will have to see how long it takes me to be up to speed."

"I enjoyed my debut in front of so many spectators but am disappointed we did not get the result. Sunderland played very defensive."

So, several things for him to get used to: more “tiring” games against the really tough sides like…Sunderland, and for teams to…defend. I’m so sick of this sad refrain about defensive teams. I suppose teams playing Man U don’t really defend, but like, give away goals. STOP DEFENDING AGAINST US, PLEASE!!

Elsewhere, as expected, Pool are contributing generously to the "Give Man U a Bigger Lead" Fund, after a draw at home to City. Sounds familiar. Wonder where I've heard that before. Anyway, Rafa thinks that they'll now have to beat United at Old Trafford to have any chance.

Well, I'd make the equation even simpler for the old man. Anything less than 6 points in your next games against Boro and Sunderland and you won't even have to worry about Old Trafford. Less than 3 points from the two games and you won't even have to worry about the contract you're refusing to sign.

Finally, fun (or sad) fact for the day: Don't think we've scored from more than 20 yards this season. No net busters. Nothing. Took it for granted with Henry, I suppose. Fingers crossed with Arshavin. Not sure there's anyone else capable, now than Cesc ain't around.

On to Tuesday then. I'm just brimming with confidence.

Signs of Loser-dom

Figured there are a couple of signs of how far we've fallen:

1. That we're keeping a watch on Everton games, and that we're thankful for a 0-0 draw with Newcastle.

2. That on the Actim Index, our highest ranking player is Denilson. He's at #18. Villa have four players above us. Our next highest ranking player? Adebayor - he who scores only on leap years, and then in spurts.

3. That Wenger still complains about teams that defend. (Defending sure beats not defending in my book).

4. That I'm starting to think of the years when finishing 5th was a good showing.

5. That I used to watch highlights of Arse games even if we lost - just to watch the goals. Now, there aren't even any to watch.

There are others of course - like this one, of Ade getting into a little debate with a fan. It seems the exchange went something like this:

“The guy started getting personal about how he should try harder.

“Ade tried to laugh it off. But the man started hurling abuse at him and used the F-word.

“He screamed ‘You get paid £80,000 a week to put the ball in the back of the net and you’re still f***ing rubbish. I pay good money for a season ticket to pay your wages.’

“Emmanuel completely lost it and had a right go back. He said ‘I get £110,000 a week if you must know’. It just made the guy even more angry."

Well, except for the fact that (a) I don't have a season ticket, and (b) this happened in Lagos, it could've been me. £110,000 a week. Mmmm. Just great.

That's it for tonight then. It's been one helluva year to be an Arse fan. Right from that Eduardo injury one year ago now, it's been nothing but a chronic dull pain. There's always next season, but that's what we said last time round. So...let's just say, there's still the FA Cup and Champions League. But that's what we said last year too...

Nighty night.

Review: Arsenal 0 - Sunderland 0

Well, instead of going into the self-evident crapness of our situation, let's instead try to look at the positives. First, we should be safe from relegation, and should therefore still be able to torment ourselves with similar performances in the season 2009-10. Second, we've got a Champions League game on Tuesday, which we should really savour, since that'll probably be the last we see of European games in a bit. Third, if everyone leaves the team next season, that would mean that Eboue, Song, Denilson and the like leave too. Let's have a right proper house cleaning while we're at it, and start from scratch next time round.

I've just watched Man U beat Blackburn, and here are my predictions for the end of the season. I need to do this, more to purge and make sure I at least get a good night's sleep. Here it is:

Man U to win by a mile. 12 points at least. All this crap about a close season will be just that: crap. Either Pool or Chelski to finish second. Who the hell cares. Villa to finish 4th. We struggle to keep hold of 5th. We finish a good 25 points or so behind Man U - probably closer to relegation than to the top. Basically, not much different from the table today. So by bother.

For those with a sense of history, or at least pre-Wengerian history, this really ain't so bad. Let's stop dreaming about all this challenging for the title, Champions League nonsense. That's history. It's not coming back. Remember that love of your life that left you at 18? Gone. Finished. Move on. And let's face it, we've gone through similar. 1994-95. 12th. 38 points behind BLACKBURN! 6 points about the relegation zone. So this actually can be counted as a really good season. I like it!

If we do get to play in the UEFA Cup next season (or whatever it's called then), it ain't all that bad as well. Hey, remember the Cup Winners' Cup? UEFA Cup Finalists in 2000?

My heartbeat's slowing down as I write this, and feeling mighty less depressed. It might be the wine, but whatever works man.

So anways, as far as the game was concerned: in days yonder, we'd have run out comfortable 3-0 winners, with RVP putting away the chance he had in the 10th minute, and the others putting away a few of the gazillion they had. The finishing that we saw from Vela and Gallas was outright pathetic. Simply unaccetable for someone not playing with their kids out in the garden.

Arshavin had a good showing, though he must be wondering what the heck he's doing at Arse, since he ain't even going to have the benefit of the team's last season in the Champions League. Song should be told that being a midfielder means more than passing the ball sideways, a maximum of 10 yards each time. What a pathetic excuse for a midfielder. Wouldn't even have made Harry Redknapp's Pompey teams. Methinks the problems lie in the centre of our midfield. Absolutely nothing comes from there. Denilson and Song - sounds more like a campy shoe brand than a leading midfield duo. For that, the blame has to lie on the shoulders of Le Boss.

Don't think I'm going to read his post-game comments. When is he ever going to say: "Ok, I f%$ked up. The players played crap. Blame them, blame me. This sucks. I don't know what to do. But hey, it's better than before you had me right??"

Okay then. Do we look forward to Tuesday? Suppose so. I still do like the Arsenal jersey, and wouldn't mind seeing 10 grown men running around for 90 minutes in it. Just gotta ignore that ball and what it's doing.

Alrighty right. Have a good night. I'm off to do something useful. Must stop this moping. You should too.

Just freakin' typical

Well, can't say we didn't half expect it, but yup - Eduardo's out for 2 weeks with some hamstring thing. Bloody pathetic luck we're having. Yeah, he's been out for 9 months, so this was almost expected. I suppose we should just be thankful he did not pick it up on international duty, and at least we got a good 60 minutes and 2 goals out of him. (Gotta keep your expectations low, man!)

On the practical side of things, his being out for 2 weeks basically means he'll miss our games against Sunderland, Roma, Fulham, West Brom and Burnley. Well, he theoretically should be back for Burnley, but I'm adding in a week in case he pulls his other hamstring putting on his slippers. All in all, not too bad. Those games are there for the taking, all at home (save West Brom), and if we can't win them without Eduardo, then we're good for shit anyway.

On the positive side of things, surprise surprise - Le Boss says that Arshavin'll be involved on Saturday. He can't figure out whether to actually start him, but I say, just stick him in. What could go wrong? What's the worst? Pulled hamstring? What's new right? Can't wait actually. Y'know, if not for all our injuries, just think what our REAL starting XI could be right now:

Almunia, Sagna, Silvestre (yes, I'd give it to him), Gallas, Clichy, Nasri, Walcott, Fabregas, Arshavin, RVP, Eduardo.

That's scarily good man. But CHF10, S$10, €10, £10, whatever - I'll bet we never ever see a real full strength starting 11 for the rest of the season. On the bench, we'd have to choose from Toure, Djourou, Ade, Nick Bent and Denilson. Good enough, I say.

Speaking of full strength starting 11's, I had the misfortune of watching Man U cruise past Fulham the other night. I was kinda depressed by the end of the game. Why can't we have a Scholes, a Giggs, someone who's like the old dude, but still reeeallly good, and can show up every now and then. Maybe we should've kept Vieira around. Even Gilberto. Those two were mistakes. Henry wanted to leave, so that can't count as a mistake. The Flamster too was probably half a mistake, so it evens out.

Back to the real world though - where Julio Baptista's mouthing off on our "young team":

"It isn't a defect, but when you're playing at this level, the last 16 of the Champions League, a lack of international experience can give your opponents the advantage."

Now, I really don't understand the point of his comments. Yes, what he says is blatantly the truth, but so is saying that: if you're crap, you give your opponents the advantage; if you can't score goals, you give your opponents the advantage; if you're a shit striker, you give your opponents the advantage; if you're old and useless, you give your opponents the advantage etc etc etc. So it's a useless statement too.

Let's just play the game, get on with it, and see what the score is after 90 minutes. Apart from 4 goals v Liverpool in the ultra important Carling Cup, what else have you done, Mr Oh-So-Experienced?

Finally, back to the world of fiction, and there's the usual things going on about Ade leaving for Barca at the end of the season. The twist in this story is that we're planning on Huntelaar as replacement. As I've said all along...whatEVER. Just do it. But you really can't tell with the boss sometimes. If Man City offered £100 million for Eboue, I'm not sure he'd take it. So who knows about Ade.

So, can't wait for Saturday. Fingers crossed there's no injury news from Arshavin's visit to the supermarket.

Review: Arsenal 4 - Cardiff 0

So many stories from a most pleasant evening - for a change. But first, a word for TV France 4. God bless them - for giving us free-to-air football on a Monday night. Who would've thought, free-to-air English football in this day and age. What's better than coming home from work on a Monday and watching football??

As for the stories from the game then, first, there was Gallas-Toure in defence. Then, there was a rare appearance for Amaury Bischoff. And even a start for Eduardo. Which is where our story begins. What a fairy tale. A year out, career threatened, back in his first start, and he's two goals to the good in his 60-odd minutes out. Simply remarkable. Right from the start, we could see really how we've missed his creative presence in attack, and it was a matter of time before we scored (really! A matter of time!!)

Anyway, our first two goals with headers - from Eduardo and Bendtner - which would be stories in themselves. The third, a penalty from Eduardo was simply icing. Of course, everyone was glowing about his performance, and I even found it necessary to head off to the kitchen to tell the Mrs the amazing news of the Eduardian comeback. (I like that phrase!)

Le Boss: ''Everybody is very happy for him. This is the kind of game we love to play, and it was good to see them play with the handbrake off."

''He's been extremely strong mentally. I've never seen one minute of doubt in his mind, not one minute where he said 'I don't want to do this'. He is always wanting more. This guy is small but he has the mental strength of a mountain.''

I know what he means, of course, but I wonder how someone would take it, if we said: "You're a real mountainhead, you know???!!!"

Bent Nick: "It was amazing - all the fans and players have waited for him to come back after the horrific thing that happened and it's really, really good for him to come back with two goals."

As for the player ratings:

Fabianski 8 - Had little to do, and when called on, seemed the picture of calm. (Must note that his opposite in Cardiff goal had an absolute cracker of a game!)

Sagna 8 - Dependable, solid performance. Some nice runs down the right, and one of the performances from last season we've missed this time round.

Toure 7.5 - Captain for the day, and all in all, pretty good - until he decided he wanted to romp forward, whereupon he quickly lost his way a couple of times.

Gallas 7.5 - Wonder if he ever spoke to Toure. Same as Toure. Good one - though he did seem to be, like, ultra mad on the pitch, jumping around, threatening to break legs with wild challenges. Probably because Kolo took his armband.

Gibbs 8 - An excellent show from the boy. A better performance than we've had recently from Clichy. Good on him - and proving to be worthy cover for Gael.

Denilson 6.5 - Not really inspiring, must say. Rather lightweight, and we managed to get away with it with Cardiff.

Song 6.5 - As with Denilson, the centre of our soft-centre. Throw in too many stray passes too, and he was our worst performer on a good night.

Nasri 7.5 - Another good one for his confidence. Couple of good runs, and a source of creativity where Denilson/Song failed to provide.

Bendtner 8 - A whole 90 minutes. A good header, lots of energy and I suppose based on this, he really should be in the first team ahead of Ade.

Vela 8 - Excellent Mexican show. Confused him for Walcott on a few occasions...

Eduardo 10 - Nuff said.

Of course, with RVP on as a sub, he had to score, and he did with what looked like an ultra confident finish. Yummy. A Fishy Fish Shop came on too, and looked an interesting proposition.

So on to Burnley we go. On this performance, Roma should be a nice one to watch.

Bits and Pieces

Nothing really spectacular happening on this day before we play in the FA Cup tie that seems to last forever. Except of course, the draw for the round after ours after ours has been made, and IF we beat Cardiff, and then IF we beat Burnley, then we'd play EITHER Sheffield United OR Hull at home. Now, if that ain't an easy draw, designed specifically for us to get through, then I don't know what is.

The danger of course, is that we get ahead of ourselves, and fall flat on our faces. One has to wonder about these stupid replays through. First, why the heck do we have to play on Monday, when the likes of Man U and Everton play their LATER round games on the weekend before??? It's not like our tie hasn't already been delayed - and being a replay at that. Absolutely stupid, if you asked me - but of course, probably due entirely to TV.

As for the rest of the ties, looks like the top teams more or less should get through to the semis, making for a rather more interesting FA Cup than last year. We've got Chelsea who should get through, Man U too, and Everton as well. Both Chelski and Man U have away ties, so who knows. And...as I said...let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

In the meantimes, ole Nick Bendtner's up to it again, and unless there's been a serious Danish-English translation problem, methinks he's had a bit too much cough syrup again:

''I should start every game, I should be playing every minute of every match and always be in the team.''

Errrrmmm, okay...tell that to Eduardo, and then...

''I've never seen Arshavin. I did not watch Euro 2008. I've no idea what sort of player he is.''

Sounds like a petulant little snotty teenager, if you asked me. Don't get me wrong: I think he's had a few great appearances as a sub, and saved our skins a couple of times, but I just don't think he has it in him yet to put in a full 90 minutes. Adebayor has sucked big time this season, and it only shows that he hasn't taken advantage as yet. "I did not watch EURO 2008". It's like not getting a date to the prom, and then saying how much he hates proms in any case.

We'll see with the game tonight. He should start, unless Le Boss wants to REALLY piss him off and start Eduardo instead. Whatever the case, please put RVP on the pitch. Nobody else is going to get near the goal posts.

Ah, but I hear you say, did not our Fearless Leader say that:

"It is not completely decided who will play yet because we have many possibilities we can try. At the moment it is very open."

But wait, I reply, just who may these "possibilities" be? The one and only possibility of Eduardo? Slaven Bilic, it seems, has given his reassurances:

"Arsene Wenger asked me to contact him straight after the match and I told him he could use Eduardo without any problems."

So use him, I say!

More on later tonight, later tonight.

'effin nuffin'

Except for the fact that Niko Kranjcar has been linked with us for the nth time after making known his desire to leave Pompey. *yawn* whatever. Call us in about 9 months time, then we'll see where this crap ends up. Maybe it's got to do with him being to get at the end of an Eduardo assist.

Speaking of which, of course, much has been made about his return to competitive international football. According to Le Boss, he is "back and ready to go”. But, we dunno about whether he'll play against Cardiff. Suppose he can fly all the way to what, Zagreb and play in a meaningless international, but an FA Cup game at home against lower league opposition could be too strenuous. Go figure. Oh yeah, the game's "competitive", so that must be it. Why not stick to the real firing-on-all-cylinders Nick Bendtner.

Anyways, funny story of the day must be ref Steve Bennett's revelations about players deliberately getting a 5th yellow to skive off games. Absolutely hilarious. Hilarious because of his descriptions, and because it sounds all so plausible. Could see Ronaldo doing that.

A Real Shocker, this one

Yes, that's Ade with the Champions League trophy. Yes indeedy, he actually won something. But seriously (as seriously as you can), he won some African Player of the Year award for 2008. Wonder how that works. Maybe somewhere, the calendar works differently. As far as I can tell, since August 2008, he hasn't been much good. Not much good for the last bits of last season too. So I wonder. Could there not have been a better African player.

Second shocker: RVP's the player of the month for January By a real landslide too. I mean, what's the point? Why even do the stupid poll? He's the only one who actually put on his boots, the only one who felt like doing a bit of passing and running, and the only one who didn't fall asleep after 2 minutes of aimless passing. Hurray. Wonder what he feels about it deep down inside. Just reading the stats of what he did in January, it's more scary than anything else. The poll really should have been called The-What-the-Hell-Has-Everyone-Else-Been-Doing Poll:

(a) Biting their fingernails - 23%
(b) Fiddling with the strings in their shorts - 25%
(c) Messing with their boots - 27%
(d) Playing charades - 25%

It's a tie. So in January, everyone (including Arsene, not RVP) was either fiddling with their shorts or playing charades on the football field.

Hopefully, when Eduardo, Theo and Cesc come back, they'll either stop playing, or just do it after we're 3-0 up with 10 minutes to go. (Ooops. Probably not. They did that against Spurs at home). But what the hell. By the time Eduardo, Theo and Cesc come back, we may have nothing left to play for. Dang.

I suddenly had a pang reminiscing days past the other night. Remember May 2005? 2nd placed Arsenal beat 4th placed Everton 7-0, and eventually finished 18 points clear. 7-0, 18 points. Same Everton manager. What the hell has happened since then? Or let's say Arsenal 5 - Aston Villa 0. How long ago was that? Friggin' 'ell - it was April 2006. A year and a half on, and we're eons away from them in the table. What on earth has happened? Twilight zone, I tell you.

Elsewhere, looks like Chelski have hired a part-timer for the job. Funny (yet again). How the hell does that go? I tell you, it's all that Russian connection. All sorts of weird things happen when you deal with Russian team, federations, agents, owners, etc. So says he: "Abramovich did so much for Russian football that I wanted to do something back."

I don't understand. A Bloody Roman Bitch does much for Russian football, so he wants to do something back...to Chelski? And for nothing too? He hasn't signed a contract. But I suppose in some places, contracts are only used for assassins.

A Little Change

Admittedly, things are a little depressing on the Arse front, so for a little while at least, the Arsewiper's Arsewiping will take a little different tack and look at the funny things happening elsewhere as well. But of course, Arse news will still take precedence...

Like these little quotes from RVP:

"If we had those six points...but this is if, if, if."

“We are working hard but we know we are not there yet. We are not scoring enough goals and we are not playing well enough. But everyone is staying positive and we are trying to help each other. The basics are there, it’s just up to us to finish it off now."

“Sometimes it’s me to blame or another player to blame. Sometimes we are unlucky. Everybody can judge that for themselves."

So yeah, he's said it. These draws are crap. I'd rather win one, then lose another. At least it's three points from two, eh? Anyways, we've lost enough this season, so perhaps this is the lesser evil in the end. Whatever the case, it sucks like hell.

But this doesn't suck as bad as the real news for Scolari: poor dude's been sacked! Haha. What a joke that bloody club is. And who's been tipped to replace him? The Ogre himself - who probably spent the last couple of months in a cave with his Scolari voodoo doll. Chelski are said to be struggling, etc etc, with Frogba left out, etc etc. Who the hell cares right? If you can't get it right with all that money...City, are you listening? Forget about the Ogre I tell you, go for Tony Adams. Haha. Or maybe the idiots are Pompey - what on earth they are aiming for, I don't know - should just try to give Scolari a new job.

Tony says he's shocked, and who can blame him. “I haven’t had a lot of time and I certainly haven’t had the financial backing. We’ve had a few injuries as well and that’s tough to take.” Mmmm...yes. It all sounds vaguely familiar. But let's be serious. Methinks he really hadn't had enough time to take on a managerial role in the Premier League. On the positive side, I think he has more of a future than Paul Ince (because he's too fat and ugly), and because given the right defenders, he should do a better job than with the likes of old Sol.

All in all, with the likes of owners in Pompey, Chelski, Pool, City, etc, I suppose we should be (slightly) thankful...for now. With Dein and his suspect friends hanging around, who knows.

Nothing Surprising

Ah well. Our super run of 146 games unbeaten, out of which 145 we did not win, and in which we did not score for 143 games...is in tact. In fact, if you read the official grapevine, you'd be forgiven for thinking that Arsenal was a Middlesbrough in disguise - for "securing" a "priceless" draw. I suppose these are signs of the depressed times, when even if it was 10 versus 11, we come away from a game with Spurs thanking our stars for a point. It's #$!%&! sad.

As for the game itself. What can one say. Eboue will serve out his ban, and come back as Arsene Wenger's irreplaceable #1 in midfield (or defence as necessary). What can change things, however, is that Adebayor's injured - which is all the better, since he'd probably have a better chance of scoring during Rosicky's first-touch-of-the-ball-type training sessions. At least we've got Eduardo on the bench, and Arshavin too! Wow. That's TWO new signings. Yippee!

So while we thank the gods for a good away point (oh damn, nausea setting in), let's not forget that we're now 7 behind Aston Villa, and 5 behind Chelsea. How we are fallen this low, I cannot for the life of me know. 7 behind Villa. I suppose one must get used to new things and changes in life.

What's in front of us then - struggling with Everton for that UEFA Cup spot, having the FA Cup as our one option of silverware (yay), and praying we keep our players for next season.

I had an awful dream last night. I dreamt we lost 9-8 on penalties to Cardiff, after a 0-0 draw. Judging from our red hot form, I won't be surprised. Maybe that was premonition ahead of the Spurs game.

Anyways, now we have Cardiff at home on Monday next, then Sunderland at home, Roma at home and Fulham at home. That's four good home games in a row, and if we don't get convincing wins in all four, we should all just pack our bags, hibernate for three years, and hope that for the 2012-13 season, we're still considered anything near a "Top 4" team.

Bad weekend this was. Started well enough, with Chelsea drawing at our favourite Hull. (Note: Phil Brown with the thing in his ear is also beginning to irritate me big time). Looked to be going really swell with Pompey leading 2-1 against Pool. But then, you can't mitigate against stupidity there too. So that turned bad quite quickly. Poor Sol. He should just go sit next to Tony for a bit, then retire, and maybe start designing handbags for a change. Frigging Villa are winning as usual, and Man U just about have it wrapped up, if you asked me.

Brilliant weekend then. Bugger.

Holy Bazookas! Rosicky trains with a ball!

Some rather interesting stories from the official grapevine.

First, consider this line: "Tomas Rosicky has trained with a football for the first time in over a year this week." So, errrrm. Too many things running through my mind, but first: so in a year, he has trained with what? An inflatable doll? He has "trained" but not with a ball? Does he remember what it looks like? Where do we go from here in his rehabilitation? Tomas: this is a ball. Yes I remember. Where is your right foot? Gut gut. See your foot. Yes. Bring foot to ball. No, don't use your toes...ya, ya, that is a called a kick. No, no, don't use our hands, Tomas. Kick, only kick. No hands.

Let's just say I think we need to look beyond Rosicky.

But here's something more startling. The team's training has not been affected by the snow. Why? Well, according to Le Boss: “We have the luck to have undersoil heated pitches and therefore we could prepare normally. We cannot complain about that.”

Er, yes. Good point. So we can train, despite the snow, but somehow, the pitch on the Emirates DOESN'T have undersoil heating? Or what? And why did we postpone that game? Cardiff could't find their way out of their bloody toilets because of the snow? I tell you, this thing about the snow in England. It's like frigging Armageddon. What was that movie? The one where Manhattan gets flooded? No mention there of any baseball games getting called off though.

One more thing: there must be a rule. That any one team, any set of fans should only be put through having to watch Robbie Keane no more than twice a season (three times if FA Cups are included). Now that he's returned to bloody Spurs, do we really have to see him again? Christ. At least our home tie is done with. For once I'm glad there ain't gonna be a live telecast over here in Les Booon-docques.

So we're going to whip their asses on Sunday. Other than Keane, team news is great on our front. Eboue's back! Diaby's banned - but doesn't matter, since he's injured himself for the 345th time in 2 games. Oh yes, no double whammy of seeing David Bentley, since he's supposedly injured.

Since we're on the topic of a-holes from Spurs, consider this quote from one Didier Zokora:

"I spoke with Arsene Wenger after the World Cup but I preferred to come to Spurs because it gave me a good option for my life. I am very happy."

What option for his life? Having 24 points from 24 games? Hanging out with others of the a-hole species? What? So you're very happy? Good for you, you idiot. Have a nice life sans Arsenal.

The Arsewiper's Top 10 List

Before that, there's the usual bird shit about Cesc moving to Barca in the summer. Nobody cares, so don't click if you don't have to. But there I was looking at the Sun - the football stories, not the girly bits - when I chanced upon yet another bird-shitty story about Henry leaving Barca for Man City. That I must say, is the funniest thing in a long time. On two fronts even. If true, then Henry deserves nothing more than Man City (see Top 10 list below). If false, it's like, who the shit hasn't been linked to Man City? I mean, damn. If those idiots who run Man City could have their way, they'd buy out Barack Obama's contract for £200 billion, and sign him for another $900 billion - which would be nice and handy to pay for the American taxpayer's stimulus package. I'm sure "Obama 44" would sell a nice couple of Man City jerseys. I'm sure he'd make another great American goalie too. Casey Keller, Brad Friedel, Tim Howard, Marcus Hahnemann, Barack Obama... But they'd have to give him an 8-year contract no? And at his age, not sure if he has more than a season left in him...but ahh...that would never stop Man City.

Anyways, the Arsewiper's Top 10 List...of most irritating things/people in the EPL right now:

#10: Rory Delap. Him and his stupid throw-ins. Should just hang a pink hankie in his shorts so he doesn't have to wipe the ball with his shirt everytime he throws one in.

#9: Fat Sam, and his damn ear piece sticking in his ear. Like, what is so goddamn important about Bolton, Newcastle or Blackburn that can't be said in person to whoever cares. Or maybe it's just him ordering his dinner.

#8:Titus Bramble. Everytime I see him, I see my EPL career that should've been. Why him and not me?

#7: John Terry/Frank Lampard. Both just as ugly and repugnant, so I've put them together. Imagine them having a nice cuddle in the bath-tub after games, celebrating things like their pathetic loss to Pool.

#6: Djibril Cisse. One wonders whether the frailties of the bones in his legs also extend to his grey matter. That hair, that hair...

#5: Manchester City. Hate everything about them. From light blue, to Mark Hughes, to Robinho, to nouveau riche, everything.

#4: David Bentley. He's like that real irritating kid everyone has known in school. Scrawny, wannabe, thinks he's 100 pounds heavier than he really is, asking for a reeeaaal kick in the arse? That's David Bentley for me. He's sooooo Spurs, so I hope stays there forever.

#3: Robbie Keane/Pascal Chimbonda/Jermaine Defoe: a-holes who belong at Spurs forever, think for a minute that they may actually deserve better than Spurs, leave, and then go back. If there's anything worse than signing for Spurs, it's doing it twice. Amazing. You've got to be of a certain crap-ness to do that.

#2: Marou-whatever Fallaini and his hair. THAT I really cannot take. What is up with him? What is he hiding in there? Why? Does he have a family or friends to talk to him? Walking pubic hair, he is.

#1: Robbie Keane (again) and his !#$%**&! goal celebrations. May we never ever have to see another one. God bless his goal drought.

The Return of the Arsewiper?

Alright. Now where was I? Okay, it’s been like 2 months. But here’s the deal. The Arsewiper now writes from Switzerland, so forgive the delay. It’s also been a super bloody damn depressing couple of weeks (okay, it ‘s been like that for 5 months now) even thinking about Arse, so I haven’t been like…really inspired to say anything about nothing. Nothing – that’s about as good a description of our performances. Nothing. Zip.

I must say, however, that a few things did take my eye. One of them would be Spurs, believe it or not, and good ‘ole Robbie Keane. Now let’s see…I think I did write about the Pool transfer when it first happened.

Hate to say…no, I love saying it, but stupid idiots at Pool. The money they spend on half a season of Robbie Keane, they could have like...bought...Craig Bellamy. Goddamn. Maybe it was just Rafa getting sick of his stupid infantile machine-gun type stupid goal celebrations – not that there were that many of them in the first place. I think he just did it too much at training.

So, Harry Redknapp and his gang of stupidos at White Hart Lane are beginning to look like some low rate pawn shop. Selling things off, buying them back, scumming a few million quid off the likes of stupid Pompey and Pool while they’re at it. Maybe they should sell Bentley back to us for £2.50. Wouldn’t mind having him suck the mud off Arshavin’s studs in the locker room.

Anyways, the second reason why I thought about writing was of course…Arshavin. Now, if that wasn’t the most ridiculous transfer saga in our proud history. That must be the problem with dealing with these Russians. I think we should just be glad they didn’t set some thugs off on Arsene and put a slug through his left eye. Never mind what we had to pay. Just give them the damn money and run, I say. So as tonic to all the depressing stuff going on – eg, how every goal has been made/scored by RVP this entire month – we at least have something else to think about now. (Speaking about that stat, what the #@$! Is Adebayor doing man? And what was Le Boss thinking about sitting him on the bench against West Ham? Bloody hell).

What’s the worst that could happen with the Arshavin transfer? Let’s see. He gets a serious case of Rosicky-itis. Or Acute Chronic Eboue-ism. What the hell, so what. It’s just £15 million, and more money than that has been wasted on transfers. I can’t believe £15 million is a club record. But in any case, there have been strange reactions to the last-minute transfer. There’s some news here of how some idiot called Martin O’Neill’s like a bit upset over the Premier League bending the rules for Arse. Well, he can go suck Arshavin’s studs too. Does he not have better thing to think about? Like what to have for dinner? What Agbonlahor’s name means…well, if there’s any sign of insecurity, then this must be it. Bitchy about some stupid transfer. Methinks we’ll still finish above Villa, if only because we always do – in alphabetical listings.

Final gripe of the night: Why the shit did the game on Tuesday have to be postponed? Because of some SNOW?? SNOW?? Did anyone see how much snow there actually was at the Emirates? Holy shit. That kind of snow melts with a couple of nice farts. And they had to actually postpone an FA Cup game because of that? What was it? 1 inch? 2? Trust the idiots. It snows Sunday, Monday, and by then, with the mass hysteria over some sprinkling, they decide to postpone a game on Tuesday. Arshavin must be beside himself: “Свыше в России, мы уничтожить нашу backsides с таким снегом!!!!” (ie, over in Russia, we wipe our arses with such snow)

So more on news from this part of Switzerland. First, I do get some English football. Not all of it, but a little bit, and the occasional live Arse game. You know, it’s actually not too bad NOT having to watch Arse live these days. I can just pretend it never happened. Like the last West Ham game. Tonight though, I get to watch Everton v Pool since it’s on ITV. And on Sunday, do I get to watch the game with Spurs? Nooooo….what’s on live in this part of the world with Sky? FSV Mainz 05 - TSV 1860 München. And with German commentary too. Just brilliant. Too bad you can’t get a razor blade to you’re your wrists while you’re at it. Unfortunately then, the Arsewiper ain’t gonna be able to give his take on too many Arse games in any detail. Which may be a blessing. One blessing I do count is that the last live game I sat through was the win at Hull.

So I’m back. This post goes to supporters in Kuala Lumpur and New Delhi. Mmmmm….the Arsewiper’s kinda international, looks like.