It All Makes Sense Now

So Spain beat Germany 1-0, in what must rank as one of the most comfortable 1-0 victories any team will ever have against Germany. It all does make sense. Germany were not quite championship quality, but ultimately had enough luck, bollocks and determination to get to the final. They surely weren't France, Portugal or even Holland. They deserved to get to the final, but that was that. Lahm was pathetic, Ballack more energy than guile, Schweinsteiger more aimless than decisive. Klose was his usual invisible self, and for a moment, Kevin Kuranyi looked as if he should've played more in the earlier stages. We saw more of Mad Jens than Mad Jens would have wanted, and he must be personally pleased for his performance. But I suppose that's emblematic of Germany's problems. Just too many old dudes trying their darnedest, which just isn't quite enough.

Spain on other hand, finally threw off their shackles as being the greatest international underperformers. Cesc hit the nail on the head when he spoke about World Cup 2010. Click to see his excellent post-game interview. Let's have him say that same after we win the Champions League next season.

Things do look good for the Spanish national team, and looking at some of the national teams on display the last three weeks, I can't think of many European challengers. Surely not Portugal, not Germany, definitely not France. England? Well, England will be England (i.e. quarter-final loss at best, if they even get to South Africa. Or is it even going to be held in South Africa??)

The worst thing about watching Spain play (if there is one) is that Torres is without doubt the ultimate ponce. Fiddling with his hair on the pitch. Fiddling with his hair on the bench. Fiddling with his hair getting his medal. Fiddling with his hair celebrating. God save me. Even high school girls don't fiddle with their hair as much.

News too that Cesc has made it to the team of EURO 2008. Considering his limited time on the pitch, this was awesome. Equally awesome was his finishing as tops in assists. Anyway, it was brilliant to finally see a worthy team, a likeable team, and great footballing team win. No more damn Man U's (or Portugals) with people like Ronaldo, teams like Greece, etc etc etc. They are a team you'd be happy to watch, and happy that they won. Hat's off to Aragones.

In the meantime, while his Arse team-mate is celebrating in Vienna, Ade is going through his retirement accounting. Some really hilarious news that Chelsea are now in the fray. And this I have to say: GO FOR IT! I can't encourage Scolari enough. What Chelsea really need right now is another money-grabbing, mercenary, egotistical piece of crap. He'd fit right in. He'll score 12 goals next season (in the Carling Cup) and decide: if I'm considered worthy replacement for Drogba, then give me Drogba's salary. hee hee. Ade and Ronaldo should hang out more together. Hopefully, their yacht will sink while they're both on it.

Well, it being Monday, there really isn't much more to talk about. Except that after 3 weeks, it's now back to just waiting for August. Pre-seasons against Barnet just don't get me excited.

Which means, we should talk about sweet little stories like this one, about Aaron Ramsey getting his chance to play in the Emirates Cup, and getting to meet people like Wesley Sneijder, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Gigi Buffoon (oops. Buffon), etc. How nice, to have the young lad take pictures with the stars. I'm sure he's having fits now wondering who to exchange shirts with.

Final Sunday, and some on Ade

Some new quotes out there, which reportedly have come from that f#$%-ed up mouth of Emmanuel Adebayor. Take a load of this crap:

"If my good form of last season has increased my value, my employers have to take account of that."

"I have to prepare for my retirement. Even if you are not scoring fine goals and you have money, you can enjoy a happy retirement. The time for preparing for that moment is now."

"People ask if I am asking for the same salary as Henry. That is not necessarily the question. But I am being considered a worthy replacement for Henry while not deserving his salary. The question lies on this level."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, if indeed this crap did come from him, and I tend to believe it, then he has ceased being an Arse player, whether or not he stays.

He has one good season, and he's talking like he's the f#$%king replacement for Henry? Talking about padding up the bank account for retirement? For god's sakes, it's become crystal clear where all the problems he had with Monaco and Togo came from. Some had said that Le Boss would be able to whip him in shape. But looks like one good season does things to a bastard ego. Bugger off. Barca, Milan, whoever wants to take you, be my friggin' guest. Hindsight is always 20-20, and that's why I say that the writing was always on the wall. He always did see himself as the god-chosen one to replace Henry. Bendtner should've really socked it to him good and proper. Let's see the boy score 20 next season. How on earth he can humanly demand a Henry-esque salary now really is incredible. Le Boss should just drop him like a steaming piece of turd. Now. Or even better, yesterday.

The Sun has a funny piece on the tap 10 flops of the EUROs. No real surprises there. Henry's at #5, and haha - Petr Cech at #2. Adrian Mutu's there too, and that's deserved. With one penalty, he could've dramatically changed the quarter-final line-ups. But alas. Kinda strange that Ronaldo's not on that list. A flop is always relative, and relative to the hype surrounding him before the start, then he truly was a flop - as he has always been in the big games.

One quick word on the final then: (a) Spain are worthy favourites, playing the type of football they have always had the potential for. (b) Spain have always flattered to deceive. (c) Germany always somehow produce the right kind of dull game to eke out a victory. (d) So who the hell knows which team's intrinsic tendencies will prevail. I so want Spain to win, but at the back of my mind, I can't help but think Germany...

Theo, #14!

First off, the real ground-breaking news of the day: Theo takes #14! Holy smokes. I thought he’d stuck with his old #32 when the numbers were released earlier on. Looks like Theo must’ve checked on whether anyone had taken #14:

“Er, Mr Wenger, Sir, has anyone taken number 14?”

“No, Theo, and why are you asking?”

“Could I…could I…would it be okay…”

“Yes, Theo?”

“Could I…would Mr Henry mind…if…”

“Yes??!!?”

“If I took number 14?”

“Yes, young Jedi. I was wondering when you would ever ask. Of course you may. But remember, with great power, and the number 14, comes great responsibility.”

“I know, Mr Wenger. I am aware of that, and I know I am ready.”

“Then so it shall be, young Jedi. From today, you shall wear the number 14, and we shall forever cast off the ghost of Thierry. It still haunts some others. Like that tall gangly dude. The one who cut his hair.”

“Yes, Mr Wenger. I take am most humbled to take on this new responsibility. I shall score goals, and I shall be strong.”

This no doubt, is the real news. I’m glad he’s taken it, and may he have a long and prosperous career in that number.

As for other more secondary news, it really is clear that the Ade story is like one really bad horror movie. Friday the 13th, part VII? Nightmare on Elm Street 5: Freddie and the Fabulous Ljungberg? Well, looks like the Ade Chronicles are far from complete. Fucker. There’s all sorts of news out now, with a more complete picture of his interview from Vienna. In the cold light of day, it really looks like the end of the line, with his freaky mixed signals. It was a night of contradictions. See this for example. Bloody pussy. Can't he just say what he wants to say?

Some final trivia from Sweden, where Freddie has finally decided to give up on international football. Good for him, good for Sweden. Now he can concentrate on the very serious tasks ahead at West Ham. Like…I don’t know what actually.

That’s really about it. There’ll be some interesting match-ups to watch for tomorrow, eg, Ballack getting the run around by Cesc, and Cesc scoring the winner against Lehmann. I’m so looking forward to it.

The Right Final (updated!)

I am endeavouring from today, to stop talking about (i) Ade until he actually goes, (ii) Nasri until he finally arrives, and (iii) any transfer speculation that does not involve the first female signing in the history of the EPL - since everyone else has been linked to us.

BREAKING NEWS (yeah, right): Ade's staying put, actually. News just breaking that he's broken his silence. Some quotes from the man himself:

"I was born in Togo so I never cared about playing for money, my happiness was to play to enjoy myself. That's what I've been doing until now.

"You can see people changing clubs because of money, because they want a change of atmosphere or to get their names in the big leagues. I just play football to enjoy myself. I play because I love it."

Haha. Now what does that mean? Is he saying something about (money) Flamini and (change of atmosphere) Hleb? But it's really bollocks. He probably was given some good money, so he's now happy. But seriously, if this is going to be the start of an annual friggin' summer dance, then I'm really not a happy camper. Hint to Ade: see how quickly the Clichy nonsense was resolved: less than 24 hours.

On to Spain's mauling of the Russians. I suppose I was 75% right in that everything did only happen in the last half hour (or so), but I suppose extra time was never a possibility. haha.

Before I get into Cesc's performance, I think I know why the Russians so sucked. Some idiot Russian with lots of money promised each player (before the game) two women for every goal scored. Two classic "d'oh!" quotes:

“For each goal I’ll present two beautiful chicks. Watch the guys react.”

And Arshavin: “There are a number of bachelors in our team. This is a great incentive.”

So just how did they react? Like a bunch of virgins unable to handle the stress of knowing what fun lay ahead of them? And what kind of incentive was that for Arshavin? Like he couldn't afford it himself? Losers. Good thing Casillas pulled off a wonder save at the end. God help the poor girls promised to Bilyatdinov, who would probably have shared them with the rest of the sorry team. But this all begs the question: shouldn't Guus Hiddink get something too? It's not like he's ever going to be able to score (on the pitch).

I'm so glad Arshavin ain't comin to the Emirates. If there's anything worse than Arsewiping, it's a cheapo Arseshavin' who can't afford his own women. (It's too early, so pardon my feeble attempts).

On the other hand, you gotta love this Sun headline: "Joy of Cesc". Joy of Cesc indeed. What a performance he put in last night. If this means Cesc gets to start in the final, then I must say the boy couldn't have timed his peak more perfectly. The first little chip to Guiza for the second goal, and the pass to Silva for the second. Kinda reminded me of a team called Arsenal. (Tip on pronouncing "Dani Guiza": Get a rubber band. Tie it round your tongue as tight as possible. Hold your breath. Then say it. Works really well).

But seriously, even with Villa not injured, I'm not sure how Aragones can justify keeping Cesc on the bench for the final. My bet would be for Cesc and Iniesta to start. If Villa can't make the team, then perhaps Xavi. It must be said that Torres was far from impressive. Guiza (see pronunciation tip) should start in his place.

In the end though, I think we have the right final. For all the Dutch pretensions, French nonsense, over-expectations of the Portugese, Czech disappointment, Russian and Turkish hope, and the Croat collapse, the right teams have ultimately made it to the final. Spain for their simply beautiful football, the Germans for their painful, dogged consistency and determination. I hope they won't (as they are liable to do) simply strangle the life out of the Spaniards on Sunday. All other things being equal, I see nothing else other than Spain finally winning.

Finally, today marks 50 more days to kick off. Yup, 50 more days to our first game against West Brom. Watch the countdown clock!

I Have Never Heard Anything So Stupid

What kind of stupid headline is this: "Peter Crouch emerges as shock contender to replace Emmanuel Adebayor at Arsenal". I mean, I had some respect for the Telegraph, but I suppose it's shot to hell now.

Whatever the case, though, this agent of Ade's is truly asking for something up his arse. What gives this godforsaken leech of a f#!$%ker the right to talk about our transfer targets: "Arsenal are exploring the transfer market for a substitute for Adebayor. The names being talked about are Peter Crouch, Blackburn striker Roque Santa Cruz and Germany forward Mario Gomez."

Piece of wet, stinking, fly-infested shit. Firstly, we never talk about our transfer targets. Secondly, this is the first time I've heard one agent of a player talking about possible replacements for his man. F off. I'm kinda un-zen right now, which thankfully, Le Boss is not:

"I don't know why I should be nervous. It's like when you take a penalty, if you are nervous it doesn't help. I will approach it with my usual calm. My biggest challenge is to make sure I have a competitive team next year no matter who it is."

Right on, boss man. But seriously, Peter Crouch? C'mon. Just because we lose one bloody octopus with uncontrollables limbs doesn't mean we have to grab the next bloody octopus that swims right by! I mean, I don't mind him as a player. He could be useful every now and then, but as a regular first-team guy? Don't think so. And don't think old Crouchy will take to yet more time on the bench. Which means, ladies and gentlemen, he'll end up at some piddling mid-table team.

I feel sorry him really. He's really not that bad. But...truth told...he just ain't cool, and won't sell many (if any) shirts. Don't think I've ever seen anyone with "Crouch" on his shirt. Also, don't think Nike even make shirts his size. Friggin' sleeves would always be too short.

Rather than Crouch then, what could we do with the 20-something million quid we'll get for Ade? There's some stuff going round that we're also into Karim Benzema, but that's not even good for amusement. Looks like we've been linked to everyone except maybe Anjelina Jolie for Arsenal. Wouldn't mind her as replacement for Ade.

In the real world though, Germany expectedly beat Turkey. But wow. Funny how I predicted Germany to squeak by 1-0. I suppose I was half right. haha! Looks like the Germans are on championship winning form: one good game, one pathetic game, one mediocre game, another good game, another mediocre game, and they're in the final. They're due a good one. It's really refreshing to see the Germans leaky in defence, so I really appreciate what Joachim Loew has done. He's made them slightly more interesting. Gotta feel for the Turks though.

Tonight's game is probably one that I'll willingly lose some sleep for. But believe you me, just watch the last half hour. Everything will happen then, and there'll probably be some extra time too. *yawn*

Let's Get Real

First, about Ade. It's really becoming a mind-numbing media frenzy. Not sure why, but David Seaman now has a view as well. Who the hell cares. Wonder if he's even had a proper hair cut yet. Anyway, he says:

"There have been a couple of surprises in the people that have left and when you are looking at the squad, which is not the biggest in the world, it's worrying."

"Then, when you see the names bandied around that might leave it makes you worry more. Adebayor would be a massive loss."

C'mon. Will he really be a massive loss? For Chrissakes. He's been with us two seasons and a half. He's improved. But is he really in the ranks of "massive loss"? Is he really worth £20-30 million? I honestly don't think so. If he has another 2 decent seasons, then maybe. But right now, he wants so badly to go, then there's only one clear option. What would be a bigger loss is if we get saddled with a self-deluded prima donna missing his one-on-one jigs with Thierry Henry, and wishing he was in Milan.

It's funny, how news happens. I remember everyone getting into a frenzy about Flamini. Then it happened, and that seems like yonks ago now. It may just be the same this time. If he goes, the planet will still keep rotating, and Arse will still keep winning. If he doesn't, rest assured this time next year, all the same ole Groundhog Day nonsense will happen again.

Let's also get real about Ronaldo. There's this great little piece that puts the little twat in perspective. How on earth Ronaldo and Scolari become news items before the end of the group games just boggles my mind. You can't blame the clubs (Madrid and Chelsea). They're all adults, and all the shit that smells about them, must have been dealt by them. Let's face it. Ronaldo's a super player (in general). But put him on the bigger stages, and he has never lived up to expectations. He's had great goals, great games, yes. But that has only set him up for the fall.

So if he stays at Man U: then I'm certain he'll have a pretty good season again, score a few goals (probably not as many as last season), put in a few good performances, but more and more against the bigger teams, will do zip. If not, he goes to Madrid, then same thing. Who the F cares ultimately, let's just stop talking about it!

Not much about not much

The first big Arse news (yes, really big!) is that our shirt numbers are out for next season. Nothing really earth shattering. Except for Almunia taking over #1, Carlos Vela taking #12 and Ramsey taking #16. Well, he was two shy of #14. But looks like that shirt has been retired. And strangely enough, so has #8 for now. Don't see what the big deal about #8 is though - unless of course, it's being held aside for Samir Nasir, or Andrei Arshavin, or Roque Santa Cruz, or Le Boss when he feels like it.

Speaking of Nasri, the yes, no, yes, no, yes, not yet, yes soon affair continues. His agent has now come out to refute what Nasri has supposedly said on his own website - that he has signed. I had a check of his website just to see. It's funny he has it, but it's kinda crap to navigate. And needless to say, I found nothing to suggest him saying, je suis tellement heureux de jouer pour un grand club comme Arsenal!!! For those who have nothing better to do, like me, his site officiel est ici: http://www.samirnasri.fr/

So for lack of anything else better to do, thought it'd be good to go on a little bit more on Cesc's heroics. Some brilliants quotes:

"I haven't taken a penalty in a game since I was 15 – I'm telling the truth. When I walked up
to the ball I just told myself 'You have to prove that you deserve to be here. They have shown confidence in you and now you have to give it back'."

The rest of a nice story is here, but this boy needs a job as someone's spin-meister!

Much as I hate to, I need to say something about the stupid Ade saga. First, we have AC Milan for the umpteenth time coming out and saying that it's Ade or nobody else for them, that much as they would like to, they can't move because Arse are sticking to their guns (no pun intended), etc etc etc. What I also hear between the lines is that Le Boss is making Ade staying against his will, and that so long as the club doesn't want to move, nothing happens. What happened to nothing wil happen if the PLAYER doesn't want to move? It looks to me crystal clear that he wants out.

Which then makes it fabulously odd that the official Arse website is celebrating Adebayor Week. I mean, is that daft or what? I'll reserve judgement on Arsely Hole being number 20-something in our Top 50 players (since it's the voice of the fans), but this...c'mon, is stupid timing. Good thing they shelved their drafts for Flamini week too, otherwise, who knows, we could have it next week.

Enough of that. Y'know, the semis are upon us, and it's Germany - Turkey (borrr-ing) and Spain - Russia (wow!). The Arsewiper thinks: Germany to squeak past 1-0, and Spain-Russia to be level after 90 minutes. Who knows what happens after that.

And then the Germans will win, and everybody will go, "huh??? What happened?"

Our Boy's Gone Done it!!

No words to describe it really. As I watched the penalties unfold, and as one Spanish player after another trudged up to take their penalty, I kept wondering: "errr, where's Cesc? Is he taking one?" And so he eventually did. The fifth penalty. The deciding one. As he first walked up, and I saw the no. 10 - I was, like, like...is that Cesc? Did Aragones just put him up to be the fifth penalty-taker??!! Pardon my dreary 5.30am-eyes, but I did do a double-take.

Cesc, the boy who later said on the BBC that since turning professional, he hadn't taken a single penalty - would have the responsbility of putting his country into the semis of a major tournament for the first time in 24 years. Would also have the responsibility of beating the Italians for the first time in 80 years, and would have the responsibility of putting to bed the so-called curse of 22nd Junes.

And did he take it! Cool as a (fucking) cucumber. Past Gigi Buffon, arguably the tournament's best keeper thus far - the one who saved Italy's arse the game before with a penalty save. It may have been Cesc's first professional penalty, but on this, he's gonna face many more penalties in time to come. Le Boss will have some thinking to do now, as far as his penalty takers are concerned.

No other bloody Arse news, so I'll spend the rest of the day watching replays of Cesc's penalty. Toodle'oo.

Guus is goed, nee?

Ouch. Surprising, but somehow, not something unexpected. The Dutch – 9 goals in the group stages, so fluent that spectators the world over found themselves drenched in drool at the end of their three games – fall just as flatly, if not spectacularly when it matters most. I don’t know which is more unfortunate, that it happened, or that it came as no big surprise.

Whatever the case, Guus Hiddink has come up trumps as top Dutch in EURO 2008, and I can’t see him not being one of the top, if not the top coach in European football right now. What he did with South Korea in 2002, and now with the Russians – must be attracting the attention of one Thai owner of a piddling middle-level team in England.

Final point on that game: the Arsewiper DID say that in extra-time, the odds would be with the Russkies. heh heh. Got another one right.

That Roman Pavlyuchenko reminds me of someone. Someone just as tall and gangly, gets more chances than anybody else in the team, guilty of missing many many chances, is the source of much frustration, but eventually does score a few from the million chances he gets. Well, that someone seems on his way out of Arse, so if we get a good profit, hurray. (Though I must add that to Pavlyuchenko’s credit, he doesn’t look like he’s gonna trip over his legs every time he’s on the ball).

But if there’s one Russian who does seem worthy, it’s of course Andrei Arshavin. If it weren’t for his fixed £10 million buy-out from Zenit, his value must be in the high 20’s by now. Let’s see who he signs for. We haven’t had much luck with these Russian (or ex-Soviet) types – remember Oleg Luzhny? And that fellow Alexander Hleb? Maybe having gone through a Ukrainian and Belarussian, a Russian would do a better job.

So with three of four quarters out of the way, we have Germany, Turkey and now Russia. Yes, the Italians are the underdogs – if that can be said – in tonight’s game. But what must be going through Spanish minds right now? Haha. Poor dudes must be wondering if all these so-called “favourites” have been cursed to knock-out disappointment. It’s funny. The Russians get whipped by Spain, and are now seen as favourites. The Dutch have one mediocre game in the midst of three super ones, and are sent packing. All said, it could just be that Italy’s experience will see them through. Fingers are crossed for Spain though.

No Arse news more than the usual farts. With more teams out of the way, and players open to talking new contracts, that may just change soon.

Simply the Most Beautiful (and Cruel) Game

Well well well. The Young Turks did it! And the circumstances in which they did it. I'm sorry, but un-fucking-believable. There are various reports of Bosnian Muslims clashing with their Croatian neighbours in Mostar, and man, I don't really blame them.

When Klasnic scored Croatia's goal in the 119th minute, who could blame the team (and Bilic, and just about every other damn Croat in the dug out) from rushing onto the pitch like they'd won. Holy smokes. They celebrated like they'd won, and they must've really thought they had. You could imagine the Croats in Mostar, probably having a real go at the Muslim friends...and then it happened. Just while Croats in Mostar were heading off to the toilet for a piss before heading to the streets, someone scored - a little bit after the supposed 1 minute of added time. The scene is right in my head, the Croats drunk with happiness, dick in their hands, having a last-minute leak, singing away, getting ready for the real fun, when suddenly, a roar from outside the toilets. Huh? What? What?! AAAARRGGGGHHHHHH!!! The Turkey supporters rush into the toilet, shove them in back, getting Croat shoes all wet with pee... (okay, okay, I digress).

I've never seen anything like it, and it was probably written on the wall that the Croats would crumble during penalties. Poor poor dudes. I feel for them. I can't really think of an analogy right now. (Which is odd, and kinda unprecedented). Actually, no, I do have an analogy, but it'd involve quite graphic elements, unsuitable for the younger Arsewiping viewers. Let's just say it involves just about getting to the edge of ecstasy (after nearly 2 hours of sweat and hard work), really, at that moment, the cresendo, the peak, and then to have it all very very very suddenly end. Know what I mean? Friggin' painful. Physically, physiologically, emotionally, psychologically painful. Good thing Slaven Bilic's still a young guy, so he has the chance of (a) making up, or (b) being haunted by it for the rest of his long long life.

So there. Germany versus Turkey in the semis. Which suddenly brings to mind relations between the two in World War I. Which were kinda friendly, secretive, even devious. Directed against the Russians too. Hmmmm...

Looks like the Arsewiper is right - for once - on something. Less than a day after those stupid utterings about Clichy emerge, we go announce a new deal. Bloody awesome, I say. Sock it to them, conniving vultures. He was our baby in the Invincibles. Let's go see him become the giant of this new team.

The quarters have sprung "surprises" 2 for 2 so far. First Germany, the so-called surprise over Portugal, then this (which I'd earlier noted below, was something I was hoping for). My bets are on no more surprises. Holland and Spain should have witnessed the spectacles, and should be well braced for it. My money is on them not losing in normal or extra time. If it goes to penalties, however, the money should be on Russia and the Italians. Best of luck to Cesc and RVP.

Oh yeah, there's more utter revulsive crap about Ade in the news. Won't even bother. Let's just say there's talk of him reuniting with his best mate, his dance partner, his mentor, Thierry Henry at Barca. I don't think Henry would've played a role in prying him away. At least I hope not. Give it one more week, we'll sign someone and the day after, Ade can go away happily to his bigger paycheck.

I smell a lemon in Catalonia...

The Germans Are Back!

First, there’s some ridiculous news that Roma are eyeing Gael Clichy. Utter bollocks. First, every club in the world must be eyeing Clichy, so who cares. Second, and I’m putting my neck on the line here, if there’s one player I’m really confident in his loyalty, it’s Clichy. Third, no way in hell is Le Boss going to let him go for all the gold in the world. Stupid idiots reporting this should just kill themselves.

Besides the talk that the Samir Nasri saga is coming to an end (ie he’s going through his medicals today), there’s some new(er) stuff about us and Andrei Arshavin. Now, I actually think Arshavin isn’t really new news, since that has been bandied about before. Suppose the only reason it’s suddenly becoming news is because of his performance against the useless Swedes. But I must say 10 million quid is not a bad buy at all.

But for suggestions that he could be replacement for Ade. Er, I don’t think so.

Not much else newsworthy on the Arse front, so it’s more on the German win over Portugal. Heh heh. That was sweet. It’s funny how the news on that is that the Germans have “upset” the tournament favourites. Well, that’s not quite good is it? First, after the Germans’ walk in the park against the Poles, everyone was raving. Then, the Germans had a bad bad game against the Croats, and everyone was all doom and gloom.

Similarly, everyone was ALL HAIL the Portugese following their first two wins. But if you asked me, that stupid loss against the Swiss was basically writing on the wall stuff. I couldn’t be happier. Bloody cocky Portugese, most of all Ronaldo, and so too that twit Scolari who went about announcing his Chelski deal after the first two wins. Serves you right, you bunch of a-holes.

So the Germans are back in favour. And the way this works, I won’t bet against them making the final. To meet them there? The Italians, possibly. That would be a laugh, and would mean another spectacular fall from grace from the Spaniards – which would pain me more than the Portugese collapse.

Tonight’s quarter is probably going to be least interesting of them all. It’s a toss up I tell you. Wouldn’t mind the Turks, just for the romance of an underdog. What I’m most looking forward to is the Dutch game against the Russians. The Dutch to win a cracker is my bet. The key diff between the Dutch and Portugese is that the Dutch rested their dead rubber, but still won comfortably. Scolari was a twit and lost momentum. I’d like to see more of this underachieving at Stamford Bridge, please.

Even Bluddier Borring

Truly, nothing to write about on the Arse front. I suppose everyone's stunned by how crap the French have been. Poetic that some were talking about a collapse à la World Cup 2002, and indeed, it happened. No other words necessary than: pathetic.

Pathetic that Domenech was so utterly incompetent
Pathetic that Vieira was left in the squad
Pathetic that Flamini was sent home
Pathetic that Vieira probably didn't even put on his boots the entire tournament
Pathetic that what they needed was someone like Flamini, who would at least show some desire
Pathetic that Sagna and Clichy were left out, precisely the youth and attacking verve that France needed
Pathetic that a bunch of old fogies finally rolled over and died so ignominously
Pathetic that Thierry had to end his career like that (despite his more courageous words to the contrary)
Pathetic that the team managed just one goal. (Actually, one better than World Cup 2002!)

What happened to France must have served as warning to the Swedes, themselves the oldest damn team in the tournament. And man, did it show against the Russians. Not a great sign that any team should have Freddie Ljungberg (31) as captain, Olof Mellberg (31) hanging around, and poor ole Henrik Larsson (36), who still wants to hang on for his country. Sad.

There's this great UEFA table of statistics, which shows just how the age distribution goes in the various teams. The message is clear. Apart from Italy, the teams with the oldest players have struggled, and not gotten past the group stages. Interesting that Portugal, Spain and Holland have got similar balances of youth and experience. Even more interesting when you look at the age stats for the Turks and Czechs. Becomes crystal clear how the Young Turks over-ran the elder Czechs.

So okay, I was a bit off in my quarter-final predictions. We have:

Portugal v Germany
Croatia v Turkey
Netherlands v Russia
Spain v Italy

You know, it may look like simple wins for Protugal, Croatia, the Netherlands and Spain. But you never can tell. I wouldn't be surprised if the eldest fogies, the Italians, suddenly decided to play, or for Russia to continue with their excellent form. Although I must add. Behind Luca Toni, the second worst striker of the tournament so far must be that idiot Pavlychenko. So long as they keep Arshavin quiet, and keep giving the ball only to him, the Dutch should be fine. Same goes for Luca Toni. Spain shouldn't have to worry about him having a free shot at goal. Finally, I don't know what to think: would love to see Ronaldo torment Ballack, but I so hate both their guts, I'm torn. Let's have another shoot-out. More likely that Ronnie boy misses.

Bluddy Borring

Yes, if there's ever a worse time to have a slow news day, it's today. The day after the Germans play Austria. Possibly the two most artistic teams in Europe today. Also the day after Croatia manage a 1-0 win over Poland. Yum. What headline-inducing games those were. But let's forget about that and try to look at something else more interesting.

Like Ian Wright talking, for example. Wrighty raises something which I've talked about recently - that is, a UK national football team - arguing as I did, that it happens in athletics (and therefore the Olympics), so why not football? Actually, does GB&I participate in Olympic football?? haha. I digress. I agree entirely with Wrighty, and think that that would be a great idea. But that would beg the question: should it then be an English Premier League? British Premier League? Why not? It would be fun to have Arse play Rangers, or Man U v Celtic every now and then. In any case, the English teams find themselves in Newcastle, Sunderland every now and then, so why not just travel a little bit further north?

Ooops though. That'd mean fewer places in the Champions League for the "English" teams?

Aah. Who cares.

As for non-Arse transfer nonsense, two take an interesting turn: First, Ronaldo to Madrid, and second, Lam-bloody-pard to Inter. On the former, Ronaldo's pet ferret has been quoted as saying "Ronaldo has made his mind up now and feels it is just time to wait before he announces what he will do - which is to go to Madrid." Hooray Hooray!! See ya later, you ugly sod.

On Lum-bloody-pard, his old boss now wants him there too. Which is great as well. All sorts of news about, but this is one such. Seems like he could be had for 8-10 million quid. Mebbe we should just pay that for the heck of it, and make him play with our ladies, and clean out the changing rooms. If I had Romano Bloody Bitch's money, I'd surely do that.

Finally, tonight is when the action is. Yes sir-ree, when Romania will beat the Dutch, and our sad French and Italian friends can take the short drive home. Either way, one of them will go, and I'm already looking to their sad bloody faces. Hope it rains, and we get a repeat of Captain Fantastic's pathetic pic after his penalty miss. Let's see...probably nobody else better to see like that than Luca Toni. He looks half miserable all the time as is.

What a Most Wonderful Time...to be C(z)ech!!

Before we get into that, our provisional fixtures are out. Besides our opener against West Brom on 16 August (yay!), what’s most striking are our penultimate game away to Man U and home to Chelsea just before that. Wow. Talk about deciders! Way too exciting to even contemplate now.

Arse will probably be rusty, so while I’d dream about a dream start, I’d take a simple 2-0 win to start with.

We should (hopefully) be able to get off to a great start of the season and set the pace. Before our first big game at home to Man U on 8 November, we have, West Brom (H), Fulham (A), Newwcastle (H) , Blackburn (A), Bolton (A), Hull (H), Sunderland (A), Everton (H), West Ham (A), Tottenham (H), Stoke (A). Of course, we have to factor in our Champions League qualifiers, so a few of the August games will probably be moved. I suppose the relatively easy start will mean a rougher run-in, but that’s to be expected. We can never expect anything to be too easy.

Away from the Emirates, one of the first really interesting weekends will be 13 September, when Pool host Man U, and CM-TRT (the team previously known as Man City) host Chelski. Great time to see what Mark Hughes has in his pockets.

As for less interesting news, there’s of course been the odd suggestion that Mourinho’s thinking of signing RVP, given the boy’s criticism of how little we pay our senior players. Here’s one such story.

I really don’t know what to say. First, much as RVP has been one of my favourites since he came on board – while others were still doubtful – I must say that if we are offered £15 million, then we should take the money and run. Given how injury prone he has been the last two seasons, I don’t see how we’re going to get a full season from him any more. And if we’re going to give him a raise, then all the more we could consider letting him go. Use the £15 million for someone else, and even if he’s on a higher wage structure, it would be for someone less injury-prone.

Second, I really don’t think Mourinho will go for RVP. RVP doesn’t offer something at a consistent level, and while us fans can hope for a fit RVP, few managers operate on the level of hope.

Speaking of glass footballers (I’m reminded of Samuel Jackson’s character in Unbreakable), it seems Rosicky may not join the team for pre-season training.

Holy smokes. He’d have taken longer than Eduardo to get well. Dammit. I love the guy, but he’s just no use right now. All the more we could do with someone like Samir Nasri – whom we hear could be had for £10 million by week’s end. France’s dismal showing was probably useful in not inflating his value, so let’s hope this is the end of this constipated episode.

So on to the EUROs, and indeed, what a most wonderful time, what a most wonderful time, to be…C(z)ech! If ever we needed better contrasts, we had Tiger Woods last night. He, the man who showed off his bollocks once again by holing a clutch 15 footer to avoid losing to a fat bald 45 year old who wears his pants under his arm pits, shows off his jiggling breasts under his shirt, wears ugly belt buckles and has the most ugly 18-handicapper of swings.

Then, we had the Czechs, 2 up, and 15 minutes to go last night too. Petr Cech, go have a word with Woods, why don’t you. Drop the ball with 3 minutes left?? Oh c’mon, if you didn’t play for Chelski, I’d actually feel sorry for you. But as it is, I just luv it! I larf at you, fool! What's with these weak Czechs? I thought they were made of sterner stuff.

At the same time, Portugal too were crap. Again, I must say you must feel for the Swiss. They really deserved at least one point from their first two games, and their game against Portugal should have counted – even if they would probably have lost if the Portugese took it seriously. Hated watching Nani, and was super glad when he missed a sitter.

Tonight we've got another of those grudge matches between cousins – richer (the Germans) and poorer (the Austrians). What I would give to see Austria pull a fast one. It’d be truly hilarious. For good measure, let’s have Ballack making a fool of himself like his team mate in Geneva. I’m a cruel bastard, I know. But to be fair, it’s targeted only against: all Chelski players, their manager, Ronaldo, Nani, Rooney, Anelka…is that it?

A Little Bit about France

I should start with something quite strongly associated with the Arse: the performance of the French team.

Le Boss has his views, and I agree with about 90% of it, saying that Zidane's absence was key:

Premier point: "The French always had the habit, when they were in trouble, of passing the ball to Zidane and looking for him to do something." Agree.

Deuxieme point: "History shows you that France's great periods have coincided with times when they have had one superstar, surrounded by 10 good players. Agree. But Platini has become a fat, ugly opinionated bastard. Wouldn't wish that on Zinedine, so won't even mention them in the same breath.

Troisieme point: "Without him, the French side is split into two. There is a generation around 30 and a generation of players around 20 years old, with nobody in between." Agree.

But even in the halcyon Zidane days, there were always signs of a French let-down. World Cup 2002, anyone? Basically, if I were to be totally unscientific and blunt about it, it's just this damn French propensity to get self-absorbed, over-confident and arrogant when the spotlight's on them. As hosts, they did well as quiet darkhorses. They were a young team, and the spotlight was on Brazil, and the other traditional favourites. In 2002, as holders, they probably let it get to them, and tried to coast through. In 2006, they were already written off as a bunch of geriatrics, but they probably still had enough in them (i.e. Zidane), and enough of a young spark. I mean, just look at the goddamn sulk Anelka during the game against Romania. If he can't even look remotely interested representing his country, then he should just be told to go $#!@ himself and die. If Domenech was going to select a pensioner, then he should've gone with Trezeguet. We should start a "Not Another Dime Spent on Anelka" campaign. Ban him from club and country for all eternity, I say. But next best alternative is the subs bench at Chelski.

I feel sorry for Thierry. He really should've just retired from international football. To be honest, he has never ever come close to his club form on the international stage. The intensity of putting in 5-6 super consistent games over 3 weeks has always been beyond him, I suppose. He didn't really feature in 1998, definitely not 2002, and in 2006, we only saw sparks. Give him his final game against Italy, and then he should do the right thing and retire.

So next step is to let Domenech go, get Zinedine his coaching credentials, and see what happens in 2010.

Some words on last night's games then. Well, Spain showed glimpses of "championship" form; i.e. dipping as expected, but somehow having someone to steal the points for them. Damn. David Villa's really hot right now. Feel bad for the Swedes, but methinks they'll still get through. They play Russia next, which brings me to my next point on Roman Pavlyuchenko: who must be the most horribly cock striker of the tournament so far. How many times did he play himself offside, scuff chances, and miss when easier to score. It was just painful watching. Sweden should get past them, no problem. But that only means setting themselves up for Holland.

Despite everything said, my only words to Marco van Basten: just throw the game. Who cares. We would all love you for it. Rest everyone. France and Italy deserve nothing. Not even a professional performance from you.

Ramsey gets his shirt...a bit too small

Well, Aaron has been given his Arse shirt, so this must mean that it's for real. You know, you never can tell these days. The official word is that it's for an undisclosed fee, which is typical Arse, but everyone's still bandying the £5 million sum about. It's probably more than that, dependent on performances. Kinda like the Theo formula. Looks like he hasn't been given his number yet. (It also looks a tad too small in the official photo. Hasn't been fitted and numbered yet, poor boy). I say give him #14. haha. Nah. Seriously. Next best option is 27.

It is all becoming really clear as daylight what the whole Ade-Milan talk was about. I mean, we all know that those @!#$ agents are behind all the worst shit in the world (including weapons of mass destruction), but the least they could do is attempt to gloss it over a little bit. See this shit, for example. Basically, it's all the agent:

"Adebayor is happy at Arsenal, but when a footballer receives an offer from a team such as Milan it is difficult to say no. However, it is difficult to say whether he will play for Milan (next season). I know they have contacted Arsenal and it is now up to the English club."

So what we have is the typical game of cat and mouse. First, Ade will go into talks with Arse about his new contract, asking for £80,000 a week, which I must add, represents more than double (to be precise 128%) of his old wage of £35,000 a week. Step two, Arse will say @!#$ off. Don't be stupid. We could give you £60,000, but you gotta prove yourself one more season man. Step three, Ade and his agent will say, @!#$ you too, we're moving to Milan, you cheapskates. Mathieu warned me about you bloody penny-pinchers. Step Four, Le Boss says, hold a minute. Let me make a phone call...."Hello? Could I speak to Rocky please? Yes, Rocky Santa Claus. Thanks...(pause) Rocky! Arsene here. Yeah, as we were saying. Are you on? Yes, I'll pay you £50,000 a week, and that's double what you're getting right? Tell you what. Make that £60,000. Okay, see you tomorrow? Great. I've got everything in place." Step Five, Le Boss says to Ade and agent, get out of my sight, you two @!#$-ing bitches. Good luck in the UEFA Cup.

Not much other Arse news about, so that means we have no choice but to talk about the French disaster in Berne. Le Boss has his spiel on it, which I tend to agree with:

"Lack of success is not on based on a lack of quality (in the French squad) but confidence and conviction seem to be lacking.

"There is a little something missing, effectiveness, less of a killer touch. France produced some nice chances but were a bit lacking in their finishing."

It's really pathetic. While you could feel sorry for them at one-nil that they had the good penalty turned down, and having Henry inexplicably missing, to lose 4-1 is really really unacceptable. With the kind of talent they had at their disposal, it makes no more sense than to point the finger at the boss. Domenech, who obviously doesn't have it in him to motivate what must be a bunch of narcissistic arrogant playeurs. There was talk at the start that they were overflowing in talent, which is no doubt true. But talent is nothing without at least an iota of desire and commitment. Sagna and Clichy must be half sniggering to themselves that at least they had nothing to do with it. Further on the Arse front, it was nice to see RVP helping himself to the buffet, and setting up Sneijder wonder last goal. Good for him. Wonder if he ran over and did that stupid Ade-Henry jig with his old friend in bleu.

On the other hand, Italy at least showed some desire, but their age and general lousiness eventually came through too obviously. Saved by the skin of their teeth, the glove of Buffon, the foot of Buffon, and the crap penalty of Mutu. I bet Mutu had half his mind on his regular employment with Fiorentina as he stood over that penalty. "Oh God...if I score this, they're going to kill me, kill my family..." What a bleeding let off.

Now what Holland need to do is lose to Romania and it won't matter what the two biggest losers of EURO 2008 do. Romania probably deserve to get through more than either team.

Despite their unbelievable first two performances, however, I still have this nagging sense that somehow, somewhere, they may just fail to deliver in the end. Touch wood, but it's just too much too soon. The "Group of Death" my arse, in any case. More like the walk-over group of Holland.

So while premature, and Spain yet to play their second game, here are my predictions for the quarters:

Portugal v Germany
Croatia v Czech Republic
Holland v Sweden (isn't this like the quarters in 2004 too?)
Spain v Romania

Cesc has scored, so has RVP, let's see if Cesc does it again tonight.

Now what will we do about all this then?

Well, the nonsense surrounding Ade just doesn't seem to go away. The news now is that he's really close to moving to Milan. Nothing much new in the report, but if everything is as it seems, then we should - as I have already said - take the money and run. Anything more than £25 million would be super. It seems Rocky Santa Claus could be had for something like £10 million, so he could be the replacement (as everyone seems to be saying), and we'll still have money left over.

Alternatively, if not Santa Claus, then there's also Robinho. Stupid story here linking both Chelski and Arse to Robinho. You can guarantee that once there's Chelski in the equation, transfee fees go up by 100%, and that automatically discounts us. But in principle, Robinho and Ade for the same price sounds like a good enough deal.

All this really sounds comical. Just like the deal with Barca: Yaya + £5 million = Hleb. Wonder why the players think about how they're valued like meat. You could just imagine, in the pre-historic barter league: Henry = 2 bushels of wheat + 8 combs of bananas + 20 ears of corn + 28 loaves of bread + 100 fish + Ronaldinho.

Funny. Doesn't it seem premature? But it seems next season's preliminary fixture list will be out as early as Monday. But who cares. With the new kit and fixture list, we can get dressed and sit around waiting for another month and a half.

Slow news day again, I suppose, which just leaves one smiling about Germany's loss to Croatia. Must say Croatia looked a different team from their first match. But methinks it's flash in the pan stuff. They'll fall at the quarters. But then again, these EUROs (as with all EUROs) need one darkhorse, and what better darkhorse.

As for tonight, let's keep fingers crossed to see Italy sent packing!!!

Captain Fantastic Tribute Closed!

Alright, alright. Have decided to close voting for the All-time Best Captain Fantastic Pic. Thanks to all who voted, but the winner by a landslide (I exaggerate) is this pic starring our very own Abou.

I believe if you look at a picture of Abou scoring that scorcher against Derby, he'll look exactly like this. Screamer!

The Right Response to Milan

So, Le Boss had earlier said that if Milan wanted, they knew how to get in touch with him. Once so, they'd get the answer they deserve. Which, as we know now, was: _____________; i.e. go screw yourselves. I can soooo understand. Like receiving those stupid emails that really, would be more painful to respond - scolding or otherwise. So we just delete the damn thing. Suppose shredding a fax would feel better than just pressing the delete button. Hmm. They should invite a "shred" function on our email - with the nice audio-visual effects of shredding.

Yes, I digress, but it is a slow day. So slow that I'm forced to raise the old news about Roque Santa Cruz. Seems we may be bidding £10 million for the dude, given how we're concerned about losing Ade. But hey, I think Le Boss is more concerned about losing RVP. Who knows if he's ever going to come back from the EUROs in one piece.

OK then, now on to some sad EURO news. The poor Swiss are out. It's kinda pathetic. First, they lose a game they should at the very least have drawn against the lousy Czechs. Then, against the Turks, their own Turk scores first and refuses to celebrate. Of course, the Turks equalise (which should've cheered him up), and right at the end, out of nothing, they of course score the winner. Ouch. It must've been the most miserble game ever for Hakan Yakin. Couldn't even celebrate his damn goal, had to run about in the bleeding game, and then to get booted out by his Turkish brethren. Just friggin' great.

In the other game, it was also really funny to see Ronaldo torment Petr Cech all over again. haha! Scored one, unselfishly made the other. Sweet.

Finally finally. Scolari for Chelski eh? Just great. Yet another Portugese. Methinks he'll be fine. May not do as well as Grant (snigger snigger), but he should have a great severance package.

*need coffee*

Aaron Ramsey: IQ 210

Aaron Ramsey has spelt out his top ten reasons for choosing Arse over Man U and Everton:

10. Mr Wenger told Mum and Dad that I would be under a curview until I turn 21
9. Mr Wenger told Mum and Dad that Arsenal FC have a strict policy on under-age drinking
8. Mr Wenger told me that I could have my PSP after dinner every night for an hour
7. Mr Wenger promised that my friends could sleep over once a week
6. Theo promised to let me play with his Playstation
5. Mr Wenger told Mum and Dad that Mohawk Billy would live next door and watch out for strangers
4. Mr Wenger told Mum and Dad that there would be absolutely no fried chicken on the menu
3. Mr Wenger flew Mum and Dad to Basel and they were mightily chuffed
2. Sir Alex didn’t even meet us
1. I may be 17, but I’m not a stupid c@#t

Rocket scientist, he is, this young one. Chose Arse over Man U.

Alex Hleb is getting really really really miffed about all the reports about him leaving. I mean, the gall of it all, his agent and everything, talking to people. He really can’t figure out why he can’t go out and have an ice-cream in Milan without everyone talking about him leaving. Can’t you all just leave him alone and let him and his agent connive in peace?

Some random news about Torsten Frings now being an Arse target. Wonder if Le Boss would even pay £4million for a 31 year old. We’ve had one mad German leave. Hopefully, this one doesn’t cry and push people over in the penalty box. (But just got brainwave: maybe the reason why I'd never been able to get that Frings Panini sticker was simply because...he was just the missing one! Simple as that. AND - coincidence that I just got it? Or is it a sign?)

Nothing else to talk about (obviously), so I’m forced to say my piece about fans complaining about the new jersey (again). All those talking about the semi-white sleeves being a radical departure from tradition should seriously get a grip and get a life. Like, once upon a time (not that long ago actually), supporters also griped about teams even manufacturing replica kits – complaining about why they should fork out good money to wear their teams’ colours. And then came the sponsorship logos on the sacred Liverpool shirts for the first time. For those willing to boycott the shirt because of that, then go right ahead. Nothing still gives me more pride than wearing my Arse shirt, semi-white sleeves or otherwise. It'd be stupid to boycott your team's kit. Go boycott an election or something instead.

On to the EUROs, and first RVP said last night that the win against Italy was “was just like playing for Arsenal!” Well, amen to that. After Spain’s win, I must say it was like watching Arsenal as well. Their display was just awesome, and I’m super duper glad that Cesc got his first international goal as well. Cesc said it’d be great to get David Villa in the team. You got a point there, Cesc! But, sadly, methinks we missed the boat. There were rumours a while back, but he probably has upped his price by 200% now.

Must add one little note though: was kinda perturbed that Cesc changed his shirt to the #10, and used Fabregas – instead of Cesc and #18. My first reaction was: “D’oh!” My second reaction: “Oh well. At least I’ve got a collector’s item.” But never did I say: "Boycott!"

Transfer Crisis at Arsenal!

"Hot on the heels of the catastrophic move away from the Emirates by best-player in a century Mathieu Flamini, physio Gary Lewin has dropped a bomb-shell on Arsenal by announcing his departure to take up the new full-time physio position for the English national team. In what observers have called the most significant departure since Theirry Henry, this is yet another sign of the implosion, self-destruction and exodus that will no doubt cast Arsenal back to the 3rd division. Sought comments prior to kick off against Spain, Arsenal star Cesc Fabregas said: "Goddamn. If I can't have Gary seeing to my groin, then I'm off to Real Madrid! I wanted my own TV show, I got it. I want Gary, and if I can't have him, I'm gone. Hasta la vista, baby."

Just you wait...I'm sure some mentally deficient monkey with a typewriter working for "the media" will soon suss this out in his bid to cast doom on the Arse ranks.

But seriously, it's kinda sad. Good times or bad, good game or bad, it was always reassuring to see the unflappable Gary Lewin next to Pat Rice or Arsene, looking as dependable as ever. I wonder what he'll do when the season's on though. Sit on his hands, pretent to rub Captain Fantastic's calf muscles? Perform drills on Arseley Hole's groin? Have regular spraying practice? Why does the England team need a full-time physio? If Fabio Capello wanted, he could've just gotten someone with nice boobs from Thailand for a massage. Ah well.

After much constipation, Aaron Ramsey has apparently signed for us. Well, the news was reported by Cardiff, so I suppose it does have that extra bit of credibility? After all the shit that this transfer nonsense has seen, I'm not too sure anymore. But if he has, then hurray I suppose. One more English (Welsh - does it count?) person on the books is always good. Maybe he's Hleb's replacement! haha. More than signing the dude, what makes me happier is the fact that he chose Arse over Man U. (Don't think Everton were ever an option). Evidence perhaps that despite everything said about the state of British education, this 17 year old has some brains.

For some reason, fans are getting all touchy and sensitive about the new Arse shirts. Two main reasons: First, that new home and away kits are out at the same time; and second, the sleeves aren't all white, but just kinda half white. So it seems it really isn't the historical, time-tested traditional kit Herb Chapman had in mind. Ahhh...c'mon. Let's be serious here. First, I'm more upset they relegated the white shirt to #3. I kinda liked it, and more importantly, I thought we played really well in it - like against Milan! Second, who sez you gotta buy both just because both are out? If you don't want to, just get the away one next season then. And so the sleeves are half white. Does that make you half an Arse fan? Arse half the team? Hell, anything in red and white is Arse as far as I'm concerned. I can't wait already, and for the record, I never have and never will buy the yellow away kit. Have the blue one of old, and the white one too. But that yellow one just has too many bad memories - like defeats in Europe...Paris? Champs League final? Remember??? There are just some really bad away colours out there, and I'd base our kit designs solely on the superstitious belief that it actually makes a difference.

About last night's games. First, looks like the Arsewiper was wrong on both fronts. But I was right in predicting a crap French performance. Thought they'd lose, and they sure deserved to. What an utterly listless display. Disgraceful. Not sure what Vieira or Henry would have been able to do given the overall intentions of the team.

On the other hand, that was one remarkable performance from the Dutch. Holy smokes. The two goals on the break were stunning, and all in all, the World Champs were made to look like a bunch of unfit old dudes. It was kinda pathetic that at 2-0, they had a host of chances to get a goal back, but shit finishing from the likes of Luca Toni put paid to that.

So looks like on current form, it should be Holland and Romania through then, eh? I hope France crash out like they did in the World Cup in 2002.

Germany are in the mood. Holland too. Now let's see about Spain then.

A Virtual Avalanche!

Of Arse news, that is. Well, a relative avalanche, then, after quite a while of barren news.

For starters, it's official. Our new kit for next season. Click for the club's news on that. According to Cesc: "I get excited about a new kit and really like trying on new shirts, it makes you start looking forward to the new season." Ya, ya. I like trying on new shirts too, and putting mine on will get me really in the mood....ha. Point to note: the last time we were invicible, our jersey looked similarly simple. Things are looking up already. But for the real news...

First, there is the ultra hilarious news that Idiot 'Arry from the south coast has it in his brain to make a bid for Paddy Vieira! hahahahahahaha!!! Holy Mary, blah blah blah. Now if that is not a geriatric home for former Arse players, then I don't know what is. What is it? Some kind of quiet "B" team we have on the side?

It will be some kind of gathering. Adams, Paddy, Sol, Kanu, Lauren, and that arsehole Diarra. Though I would not for a second consider him as part of the other five. 'Arry should now look into Pires, and somehow consider maybe Reyes. The funny news on that score though, is that Keegan may be thinking of bringing the chap (who couldn't stand the weather in London) to the great sunny climes of the upperest northeast. Too funny to even consider.

(Speaking of Vieira, a little side note here: if indeed he recovers from his injury in time, then its curtains for Flamini. That too deserves a wicked hahahahahahahaha! Well, he can scoot off quite easily back to Milan I suppose. Ain't too far away from where he is).

Gilberto has made some nice comments about the possibility of the young 'uns flying the coop. Basically summarisable into the following points: 1. You're well looked after for sure. 2. This is one fucking great club. 3. You little shits, you'd probably fail whichever other club you go to. 4. Don't for a second think you're bigger than the club. 5. Be a friggin' man and do something. With us. Now.

Great points if you asked me. Of course, there's also 6. Yeah, I think we need to win something next season, to keep the kids, and keep them quiet.

I don't think we need to put that much pressure on everyone, but a little pressure is always good.

Alex Song has signed a new contract. Hurrah hurrah. Le Boss will say that this is as good as a new signing. Not. But close. We only had glimpses of him last season, so who knows what he'll bring in August. I say based on the few things we saw, he'd be great to have around. Just his hair alone will probably to unsettle the best of the Premier League.

There's some weird shit going round that we're sussing out Shay Given. Now, for sure, he's been a reliable keeper for Newcastle in the past, but let's be serious. He's well past the age of consent. His fault or not, he's developed a bad habit of picking balls out from the back of the net. So I say, don't be stupid. Even the media should know better than to start such shit. Must be his stupid agent. Oh yeah, and finally. Aaron Ramsey flies to Zurich, or Basel, or Geneva, whatever. To talk to Le Boss. Who cares. Go sign for Man U. Go for it.

Finally, a little little note on the EUROs. I'm pretty upset for the co-hosts. The Czechs were crap. The Croats were crap. But both managed wins. The Austrians played some nice stuff every now and then, but just like the Swiss, couldn't manage a proper shot in anger. Feel bad for them. Now the ordinary citizens are going to have to endure a few weeks of drunken hooligans without having their team to cheer on. Sucks, I must say. But tonight, tonight. The real games to begin. Let's see.

Me sez: Romania to win. The Dutch and Italy to draw. Now go out and have a little flutter on the Arsewiper.

You gotta feel for the Swiss

Man. Not a good day to be a Swiss football fan. Their big day. Alexander Frei's biggest day, they play well, dominate, were by far the more creative and determined team, and yet, typical of many other games Arse fans would remember from the 2006-7 season, the Swiss contrive to lose it 1-0. Add in a pathetic referee's miss of a hand-ball, and hitting the bar, you'd forgive the Swiss for being at a total loss to explain it.

The Czechs were a shambles. Jan Koller looking all of the 35-year old has-been that he now is. In no way did they present any threat to the Swiss defence, except for that one moment. All in all, in fact, I'd say that Philippe had a pretty good game - nothing exceptional, but as quiet and steady as you'd generally hope from your central defender. Finally, you've gotta feel for Frei, a grown man who was forced off the pitch a blubbering crying mess near half-time. Just from the look on his face, and the fact that he would later emerge in crutches, you knew that that was the end of his EUROs. I'm so glad Rosicky had nothing to do that without crap Czech team. May they do down in flames against Portugal. I suppose Switzerland still has it all to play for. A win against the Turks, and a good result against Portugal (a draw) should still be enough if the other games go as I think they would. (Portugal to win all three, Turkey to win against the Czechs).

Going by their scarily dominant win over Turkey, it does look likely that the Portugese should be a good bet to go all the way. But then again, we all know what happened in 2004. In any case, a comfortable two goals, three times hitting the woodwork, and once having a goal disallowed - will generally scare most teams. So hate that ugly @!#$ Ronaldo - who reminded me that he had taken over Figo's #7 in the Portugese squad. Not quite seemly, if you asked me. He should've waited at least a little bit or stuck to his 17. Figo even has his cafe-bar Sete in the Algarve. And of course, sete is Portugese for...seven. Ungracious little prick.

As for the little Arse news about, the talk is that we're prepared to improve Ade's contract. Such a pathetically transparent move on the part of his agent - with that supposed bid from Milan. I sure hope we resist it as much as possible. Yes, we can and should pay him a bit more, but heck - for one season's work, let's give him an appropriate raise. If he does it again next season, we do it again. If not, then we release him for 35 million quid.

Let the Games Begin!

Woohoo! We’re here at last! Thank god we’re gonna get some distraction from all the transfer constipation. Before we get to my thoughts on the EUROs, though, Le Boss has come out to stake his territory on Ade:

“If AC Milan are interested, he’s under a firm contract that we extended last year. They just have to call me and they’ll get the answer they deserve.”

And let me say, the answer they deserve is: “Ah, fuck off fools. But if you’re really interested, let’s say £35 million then. But we can be flexible. If you’re really strapped for cash, we’ll take Kaka and maybe £10 million on top.”

Funny comment here too, from his lofty perch in Switzerland:

“I’m here with my chequebook so I won’t rule anything out…if I fall in love with somebody, why not, but we all know the big players. What we know about big championships nowadays is that we don’t discover players any more in big tournaments.”

So, he’ll fall in love with a big player? Or no? Or just fill in the date on the cheque for Nasri? Ah, whatever.

On to the EUROs! My tips on the winners of the respective groups:

Group A: Portugal, Switzerland
Group B: Germany, Croatia (easy one, this)
Group C: I’m not saying a thing. This group is just impossible. You gotta love it.
Group D: Spain, Russia

My predictions for tonight’s games:
Switzerland 1 – Czech Republic 1; Portugal 1 – Turkey 0

On the Arse front, a real shocker from the Dutch camp: RVP ain’t ready. Says van Basten:

"His condition is improving from day to day, but it is logical that there is still some improvement to come. The Italy match will be too early for him."

*duh*

Has McLeish Gone Bloody Mad???

This deserves a posting all by itself. I present the following: Alex McLeish, manager of that crappy relegated club Birmingham, has claimed that a horrific injury - accidental of course -inflicted by a Birmingham player on an Arsenal player, was a "factor" in their relegation.

"We were affected as much as Arsenal were and it was without doubt a factor in both our seasons."

"I think he (the perpetrator Martin Taylor) was also affected as much as Arsenal."

Take a deep deep breath now.

And pardon the lingo. (Log off/shut down if you can't take obscenities).

Last warning...

But...FUCK OFF, you stupid excuse for a human being!

This Mirror piece puts it quite nicely, actually, as indication of just how inconceivably fucked up McLeish's comments are:

• Arsenal's win percentage suffered a severe drop from 73% to 42% following Eduardo's injury. However, Birmingham's win ratio improved from 19% to 25%

We're not talking about them plodding along their usual relegation form, or "suffering", but fuck, they bloody improved!

And...and....and, may I add. Nobody saw that fucking James MacFadden bow his head in deference to Eduardo's injury when he scored that fucking soft last-minute penalty! MacFadden seemed really affected all game long.

So, yes, poor Martin Taylor too. He was really as affected as Arsenal. Spare a thought. I give up.

Damn, the shit these pieces of shit managers are allowed to get away with these days.

But I may be wrong: it could indeed have been a "factor" in their relegation. A factor in delaying the inevitable drop, maybe!

Adeba-whatever and Three Cheers for Philippe!!

Well, looks like nobody has really caught on to the news of Ade agreeing to terms with Milan. Hmph. But I need enlightenment, can a player even agree terms with another club when the two said clubs haven't even begun anything? Thought I'd raise what would be the original offending Italian source of the bollocks, so for those who really feel like it, it's here.

The more I look at it, if we get the kind of money they're talking about, then the only way is out!

As for more relevant news, you gotta feel for Senderos, as he keeps up his (mental) preparations for EURO 2008. I really do hope he has a good tournament, and I wouldn't bet against the Swiss going quite some ways over the 3 weeks. We must admit he had a towering World Cup 06, so there should be nothing holding him back this time. Who can forget his goal and resultant broken nose? This post is so dedicated to good ole Philippe.

Speaking of EURO 2008 then, we are one day away! I suppose I'll do a little overview of who I think will do well tomorrow, but in the meantime, here's our bunch of Arses who'll be in Austria/Switzerland: Cesc, RVP, Mohawk Billy, Philippe, Djourou and Lotsa Fabulousness-ski. Do we count Nasri? haha. Shoot me.

Admittedly, not as many as I would have thought or liked. Funny also how we've got more players represented by Switzerland than in the French team. Guess I'll be rooting for Switzerland, then Spain, then Holland, then France (if at all). Really don't think I'm gonna bother about Poland!

So that's it. On to the EUROs, and may Arsewiping be filled with all sorts of EURO goodies.

Adebayor moves??!!??!!

This surely is news, and worthy of an update at the very least. Our friend Ade it seems has agreed on terms for a move to AC Milan. What on flying f#@$k’s sake is that about man? Is he even allowed to meet them? But I have to say, if indeed the price we are looking at is £32 million, take the money and run dudes! Even if Milan can’t afford it, then let’s make it £31 million, or let’s see….£30.9 million, since he has had a hair cut. He signed for us more than 2 years ago now, and if it’s around the £3 million we are reported to have bought him for, then it’s one shit helluva profit. Buy someone else in return, let’s do.

So what we’ll have are two dudes who left Champions League football for that shite team. Screw it man. I think Ade should be sacked just for talking to them. Or make him rot in the reserves for the rest of his contract, I say.

On hindsight, I thought something was weird when Ade was quoted with the following:

"I’ve assured the gaffer Arsène Wenger I’ll stay because I believe in the team and I want to assure the fans my concentration is here. I have no reason to leave so I’ll stay to ensure that together we’ll win silverware."

Now, is it me, or how on earth would Ade use the word “gaffer”? The guy who can’t string a properly-paced English sentence together uses the word gaffer? It was all a scam, probably, to up his own terms with Milan.

Damn damn damn. Damn these dudes who join a super team like Arse, get the exposure and the chance to play beautiful football, and scoot at the first sign of greenback…or whatever shit colour Italian currency is.

Let’s see what happens in the news tomorrow. It all could be someone’s arse talking. (Like his agent).

I can't see how Ade would move to Milan. C'mon. Any idiot would know that he of all people would look really really really really stupid in vertical alternating stripes.

Arsene Wenger and the Mystery of the Injurious Ljungberg

Freddie strikes back! Or should I say, was said to have struck back, when he really didn't. Whatever the case, what he didn't say was still pretty exciting, and interesting fiction or semi-fiction or non-fiction.

First, a taste of what he did not say, with accompanying rioutous-laugh indicator (RLI) on ascending 1-100 scale:

#1: "I went to West Ham in order to play against Arsenal as often as possible. I wanted to prove that Freddie Ljungberg hadn't had his last word as a player." (RLI: 90)

#2: "It's only in public that he may appear to be some sort of man of liberal views. In reality, his credo is natural selection." (RLI: 75)

#3: "Why did they let Thierry Henry go? When I found out about his move I realised the Arsenal I played for were finished." (RLI: 89)

In response to the above:

#1: Fred, you went to West Ham to stay in London, to continue with your modelling contracts. You could've joined the Arse Geriatric Retirees Club aka Pompey on the south coast, but we all know the real reasons.

#2: Erm, yes. I suppose if you had to use a term, it would be "natural selection", and not welfarism. So natural selection is not liberal? Neo-conservative? Of the Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz ilk?

#3: What was wrong with the decision to let two aging, increasingly injury-prone players go? C'mon, Arsenal FC ain't a welfare state. You're paid well enought while at the club anyways.

Anyways, these are simply things that Freddie didn't say. So I'm actually responding to nothing, coz he's already denied everything. Fred's statement in reply says, among other "I loved Arsene and Arsenal" things:

#1: "His move to West Ham was inspired by the vision for the club and the strong interest from Alan Curbishley." (RLI: 100)

#2: "The suggestion that Freddie left Arsenal in order to stay in the Premiership and play against them is not only utter rubbish but is a complete falsehood." (RLI: 100)

Vision for the club? What vision? Freddie was secretly hoping to get relegated and play against PNE, while staying with his modeling contracts. If Freddie really wanted to play against Arse and kick our butts, then either Man U or Pool would have been better bets. We played Man U three times, and Pool four times last season. West Ham? Puh-leeze.

Finally, I am forced to say, who the f#!k is Aaron Ramsey anyway? Who cares if Man U, Arse and Everton and everyone else is putting up bids for him. Geez. If we are getting into Constipated Transfer Syndrome (CTS) for a 17 year-old, then god forbid what's gonna afflict us for Samir Nasri, and now, it seems, David Villa.

UPDATE: I had to include this last little point on comments made by CM-TRT Utd's new owner. Among other reasons why he sacked the Swede, he says: "Sven is a good football general, but we need more. We must play with more consistency, more urgency. In the second half of the season, the slide was too bad, too much. We lost 8-1 at Middlesbrough! The shame of that." Yes, the shame indeed. But I have a niggling feeling that the pathetic capitulation was not exactly because of the manager...but...the...owner? How do you say, "Good Luck, I hope you get a good pension/severance package" in Welsh? Just so Sparky Psycho gets the message crystal clear.

Other very very amusing comments made by CM-TRT Utd's owner:

"Tell the fans from me that they cannot love the club more than me." Duh? Definitely lost in translation there. Let's see: the fans cannot love the club more than they love the owner? Or the owner loves the club far more than the fans love the club? Geez. Damn problematic translation there.

"I have heard of Premier League players with a garage full of sports cars and almost a girlfriend for each one. That is no way for an athlete to behave. He should be in the training ground, working." Who the hell will wanna play for this club? Sure ain't gonna get Ronaldinho! He's probably got a girlfriend for each car, and each pair of undies.

It's gets funnier and funnier on the wrong part of Manchester.

Most Important Signing So Far!

And it's Bacary's signature we're talking about. He's signed on till 2014, looks like, and coming just one year into his debut, he must already look like one of our best signings in a long while. I particularly like Bacary's comments on his missing out on EURO 2008: "This is neither a surprise nor a disappointment...I had prepared for this eventuality due to my injury. These are the vagaries of football. I am injured at the wrong time."

He's got that spot on. He was so injured at the wrong time in that game against Chelski. Well, France's loss is our gain...and an entrant in the EPL team of the year ain't good enough for France. They got Patrice Evra. Stupid shites.

On more funny but heartening news, looks like punters have bet on a leak that Ade will win BBC's Goal of the Season. Not only is that great news, but that his as third favourite beat Ronaldo's top two only makes me smile. I suppose the fact that it was against Spurs makes it even sweeter.

RVP it seems, has been given the go-ahead for the first Holland-Italy game. I suppose this can only mean one of a few things: he'll get even more injured, and we sign a top-notch striker after EURO 2008, or he'll be one of the top players during the tournament, but return to his first game for Arse next April.

Well, looks like that's it. Gotta get set for the weekend!

Yet more transfer constipation

First off, this is not about Samir Nasri. His is a case of severe severe severe constipation. The kind that gets sucked right back up just when you think you've got it done. So I won't go any further on that. I apologise. I use such gross analogies to prevent me from even searching for news on this.

What I'm talking about now is the talk that Hleb's transfer to Barca could take place like, like, reeeally soon. Yeah yeah. Whatever. Like I said, whether you want to do it or not, just decide one way or another and get off the bloody toilet. I suppose the whole Hleb-Nasri deal hang together, and both will happen together or maybe not at all? Aargh. Furgeddit.

Given the lack of anything remotely interesting in the news Arse-wise, I thought I'd draw some attention to this: about fans not renewing their season tickets because of escalating prices. Here are some of the more interesting figures, of percentage of fans NOT doing so:

Portsmouth 21 - ha! Looks like some worthless piece of shit FA Cup and European football next season does no good, eh??
Man City 20 - shocking. I thought it'd be like, 50%. The 20% would do well using their money for that trip to Phuket
Man U 19 - ha! Looks like some worthless pieces of shit domestic and European titles do no good, eh??
Spurs 12 - only 12% They're doing pretty well under One Day Ram M'arse
Chelsea 10 - hmmmm....hard to read this really. Must be those diehard Russian fans staying put
Arsenal 8 - times are bad I suppose, and this helps those in the line for tickets
Liverpool 5 - Torres, Torres, Torres
Derby 3 - they're all mad, loyal, fans who love watching goals being scored (against them)

More shocking news from the City of Manchester Stadium. Man City have officially changed their name to Chiang Mai-TRT United. This is as homage to several things: (a) someone's birthplace, (b) his party formerly named, and (c) Man United, the team he thought he'd bought in the first place. And to manage Chiang Mai-TRT United, they have sacked the Swede, and gotten a real psycho. I mean, he's known as the Psycho, but he really has to be a Psycho, clinically, to consider the job. I suppose the management at CM-TRT Utd (for short) have to be quite enlightened, to know that only a madman would take the job. Godspeed to them all.

Touched by the hand of God

Well well well. News coming from Brazil, where I suppose the water must be treated with miracle additives as well as fluoride, is that Eduardo could be back for the start of the season. Earlier prognoses had been that he could be out till around September or even a year, but this is incredible. Even if he does start playing in July, methinks he'll probably take a couple of months to get back in premiership shape. But regardless, it's still way ahead of schedule. Which reminds me of other miraculous recoveries from injuries - Captain Fantastic sound familiar? In the case of Eduardo, there's at least photographic evidence of how horrific the injuries were. In Cap's case, it was more cases of manic media going on about extents of his injuries, followed by revelations of incredible recoveries. haha! Shit, looks like Eduardo takes as long to recover from his broken leg and ankle than RVP does from a runny nose.

Other cock news (or should I say coque) on a slow series of days has Le Boss being linked with an eventual move to PSG. Using a rather tenuous and spurious series of unfortunate events, Arsene has been touted to leave Arse in 2011 to be President at PSG. I really don't see the point in such stories. If he hasn't signed a new contract by December 2010, then I'd start worrying. In the meantime, we should stop speculating about random events like Le Boss going to a strip joint in the 14th arrondisement. Journalists must really be sitting on their thumbs, if they're writing detective novels on Arsene's future.

In any case, he won't not be manager forever, and us Arse fans better start getting used to it, as improbable as that may sound. In this day and age, he's already given us more than our fair share. And who knows, with Bergkamp shaping up his managerial credentials, we're in for more exciting times, I'm sure.

A few RVP-related snippets: first van Basten's a little peeved that Le Boss rushed RVP back from injury. FO I say. He would have done the same, as would have every other frustrated manager, facing a frustrated team, and a frustrated player. It's not our fault he got inured playing for Holland in the first place! Sanctimonious hypocrite. RVP has also revealed that he's been sharing secrets with Beckham. (You gotta love the photo of Cesc in this story!) Ooooh. Beware everyone. Maybe he's also been sharing a few too many injury tips. But in all seriousness, right now, RVP's left at free kicks is nearly as good as Beckham's right. Let's see how it develops, if his leg doesn't drop off from a thigh injury first.