First off, congratulations to my Man U-supporting friends on their Champions League win. I’d always preferred this outcome, and thought it more likely. Not sure how I managed to get myself up at 4.30am just in time for the start of extra time, but I suppose I have little regret. Chelsea were by far the more potent team during that last half hour, and Man U by contrast were limp – playing as though they were intent on penalties. (Oh yeah, begrudging congratulations on the double too, I suppose).
In any case, I suppose Chelski’s mental self destruction began even before the penalties. Reinforcing why nobody in their right mind would ever be a Chelski supporter (further proof), Frogba gets himself sent off near the end for touching Vidic’s chin, after fighting over…a throw in!! Now, there are several levels of stupidity to that whole episode. First, Chelski in particular do it all the time – not passing back “properly”. They of all people are the masters of such devious shit behaviour, so I have absolutely no idea where their anger came from. Just a bunch of f—ing brainless twats, I suppose. Second, for a professional (striker) to get sent off minutes before penalties is either (a) intentional, or (b) symptomatic of absent grey matter. Probably a little of both in the case of Fidier Frogba. Loser.
So, the losers in blue limp to penalties. And lo and behold, the Arsewiper’s Most Hated Player #2, Cristiano Ronaldo, misses his penalty. Yummy! If there was ever a penalty taken with his bollocks left on the half-way line, that was it. Someone should tell Ronaldo to quit that stuttering run up. I suppose the reason why he does it is to include an extra last-second element of doubt into the goalkeeper’s mind. What happened though, was that it just betrayed his. Erm, Ron, when you do that, you shouldn’t be looking exactly where you’re going to hit it (right), and be aligning your body in that direction (right) too! Even the Arsewiper, at a massive 5'5" (okay, maybe 5'4½") could have saved that penalty. In any case, he should stop taking penalties for the time being. Now why couldn’t your bollocks have shrunk or fallen off when playing against us??
Fast forward several other decent penalties, and we have “Captain Fantastic”, the Arsewiper’s Most Hated Player #1. Numero Uno. Now, if he had scored, you can bet your bottom dollar he would have been hailed as having the biggest bollocks of all England’s best. The final penalty, the one that would bring Romano Bloody Bitch his most-prized goal, the one that would bring Chelski to the top of all European football....But, as it stands in the annals of history:
Mathieu Flamini: Free
Nicolas Anelka: £85 million (and I’ll get back to this later)
“Captain Fantastic” missing his club’s most important, last-chance-in-hell-of-winning-the-Champions-League penalty: PRICELESS
Even at 5.20am in the morning, the house in pitch darkness, I couldn’t help laughing out loud. It was just poetic.
Fast forward again several other decent penalties, and we come to the world’s most expensive player (hint: has played for 104 different clubs). Actually, before that, something even more poetic could've happen. Arsely Hole just barely converted his penalty. Damn, a miss would have been soooo sweet. But anyway, how on earth Monsieur Nicolas Anelka has managed to conjure up £85 million in transfer fees paid for him is quite astonishing.
On to Anelka, the Arsewiper’s Most Hated Player #3 at the penalty spot. So he misses too, and Romano Bloody Bitch must now be thinking of selling the ugly sulk, adding even more value to that £85 million. Let’s see, where will he go now? France – done. Spain – done. England – done, quite a few times. Turkey – done. Which team now would be daft enough to sign him? I’m thinking MLS.
If Frogba were still on the pitch, would he have taken that penalty? Or Captain Fantastic’s? It now emerges that he would have! Oh...my...god. The poetry is sweet. Frogba gets himself sent off 3 minutes from time for nothing, Captain Fantastic gets to take his penalty, to win something this season for the 3rd time trying, and he misses. Ahhhhh...I am at such ease with the universe.
There we have it. Congratulations to Man U – if only because no way in hell do Chelsea deserve either the League or Champions League. Overhauls galore will come at Stamford Bridge, and Sir will continue building. I’m looking forward to next season already.
In the meantime, some homework for Ronaldo:
(a) Work on reaction to missed penalty. Some variety please. Your expressions after Barcelona and Chelsea were a little too similar.
(b) Work on strengthening bollocks. Why do people say you're not a big-game player?
A little Arse footnote: Looks like Nasri’s not just confirmed yet. A case of premature _____, I suppose. Not on my part, though…please! There’s yet another brainless report from goal.com that we’re looking to buy Robinho for £25 million. Have not heard anything so stupid. Period. Alright, that’s it. Hopefully there’ll be more Arse news tomorrow.
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