#100

Well well. It's posting #100 for the Arsewiper. Time flies. What started as catharsis in the midst of all our troubles is, at this moment, a rather hopeful thing. Particularly as I have savoured our boys in the recent victories over Burgenland and now Stuttgart, I am feeling particularly happy about what has transpired. More about that later.

First, news that the Amaury Bischoff signing is confirmed. We've now got another midfielder in the fold, and I must start wondering what this all means. For example, will we see less of Eboue next season? Will he move back to right back and provide cover for Sagna? With Nasri, a fit Rosicky, Cesc, Diaby, Denilson, and even Ramsey, I think we're pretty well covered in the middle of the park.

In the meantime, Cesc continues his run of good form in the papers. This time, his well-timed remarks about Mohawk Billy retaining the armband. How sweet:

"William is a great captain, I really respect him, and the longer he is giving us the benefit of his experience, the better."

"I've shown I can take that responsibility and if I was made captain I would give even more - I don't know where I'd get that little extra from but I'd try to find it."

"But I'm only 21. Right now I just want to win something for Arsenal."

The boy's gone and killed two birds with one quote, so for that alone, he should be assured the armband some time soon.

News also is that malaria-killer Kolo should be fit in time for WBA. Well blow me down. Good on the man. But does this mean Philippe gets to play in the Champions League game before that? Speaking of which, we'll know by Friday who we play for that game. Please please give us an easy game.

Finally - on to our game against Stuttgart. I must say, I'm extremely encouraged by the Bendtner-Vela partnership. The highlights against Burgenland were quite exhilarating, and their partnership against Stuttgart was just sweet. Jack Wilshere's finish for his goal was also simply class. It's excellent that young 'uns are giving the so-called first choice of Ade-RVP a run for their money, and I just hope we can keep them patient if they're stuck on the bench for any time. With Eduardo out for a bit longer, either one of Bendtner and Vela should get good run-outs. As it all stands then, it looks like Le Boss is absolutely right that all he needs right now is just one more good buy. If injuries don't pile up, we should be in great shape. We shouldn't forget also that we'ev got good cover both in defence and in the middle with Alex Song, so that's further encouragement.

I reeaaally can't wait for WBA on the 16th. Please please make it happen quick...

Mohawk Billy keeps his Armband

Well, following from Le Boss' vote of confidence, all bets are off on who will be captain next season. I suppose it's fair. Everybody (including Mohawk Billy) should be given a chance. And the emphasis here is on the singular, not the plural in "a chance". In fact, I think we'd have to give him more than one chance, since he was guilty of more than one un-captainly incident. But we shall let bygones be bygones. I just hope Le Boss is looking for a central defender in his spare time.

Have been thinking, with the help of some things floating around, about our starting XI come 16 August. Of course, there's the question of a Champions League qualifier before that, but let's use West Brom as starting point. First, no doubt we should go 4-4-2, and the back five are clear: Almunia, Clichy, Toure, Gallas, Sagna. The main arguments could be on our midfield, and I'll go for Cesc, Diaby, Nasri, Rosicky. Up front, I say stick Ade on the bench. We can go RVP and Theo just for the heck of it. It's West Brom after all. I really want Theo to start, and I'm probably biased. Along with Ade, Ramsey, Denilson and Senderos can be on the bench.

Oops. Did I just leave out Bendtner? Arrgh. Carlos Vela too. My my. Do we have selection problems? Considering a busy August, I suppose this is a good thing.

But y'know, RVP's hoping to be fit for next season, and may start tonight against Stuttgart. How surprised will we be with news that he limps off injured? That's where Vela comes in then, looks like.

Elsewhere, some lines in the media really make me smile. Take these first few lines on a story about Luka Modric's optimism at Spurs:

"Luka Modric is confident Tottenham will attract 'phenomenal' players to replace Robbie Keane and Dimitar Berbatov and believes the club still hold Champions League ambitions without their main strikers."

Let's get into this. "Phenomenal". As in phenomenally crap? Phenomenally useless? A phenomenal waste of money? Phenomenally Darren Bent-ish? Champions League? Erm. I think I've said this before, but Carling Cup aside, Spurs finished 10 points from relegation, and 30 from a Champions League place. Phenomenally stupid? Anyway, to be fair, I suppose they've got a better chance with One Day Ramos, so maybe one day they'll get there.

I suppose further the phenomenal signing they're eyeing is the phenomenally prickish David Bentley, so Modric is quite right. Funny how all things in life make sense in the long run. Bentley - Spurs, Spurs - Bentley. Match made in heaven. Bonne chance to them all. I think who they need now is Joey Barton.

Looking forward to tonight. What I really want to see is Ade step on Lehmann's toes during a corner scuffle, get into little fisticuffs, then get sent off for punching Mohawk Billy.

Stuff from the Official Grapevine

Not much in the way of gossip, save for a few things from officialdom.

First, Cesc: "I think that some people are just trying to make mischief but my intentions are very clear. I am happy here at Arsenal, my future is with Arsenal and the priority is to achieve success and win trophies at Arsenal."

Second, Abou: (Talking about playing in the centre of midfield) “I hope so because I prefer central more than left or right. It is a possibility for me to play central. But we’ll see afterwards."

Finally, Mohawk Billy: “You want to be the best captain and give good advice to your players, but sometimes you can make mistakes as well. This season I know what I’m going to do and I know I am ready to change my way of speaking to the players.”

Looks like the entire squad's having a come-to-Jesus moment, but the funniest must be Mohawk's. I mean, how was he speaking to the players last season? Does crying count? Is that his way of saying that he shouldn't have cried and stormed off the pitch at St Andrews?

But whatever. We can move on. I'm going to have my own come-to-Jesus moment and say that okay Billy, we trust you. You will now, this season, become the man that you have always tried to be. I really really think we need reinforcements elsewhere, not in midfield, so this may just be another figment of someone's imagination.

There's talk now that we're seriously in the running for Gokhan Inler. Do we really need a midfielder? What does this mean for poor ole Abou then, who's been given a nice healthy boost to his ego from Rosicky too:

"I think that Diaby will be given a big chance to play often in Flamini's position. He was playing on the left when I was injured, but he is more a centre midfielder, the same type like Patrick Vieira. I expect a lot from him as I know from training that it is difficult to play against him."

I think so too. The dude is classic. In a team of passers, he's the one sometimes of over-playing while on the ball. So please, pass it every now and then, and I'm sure you'll start looking more like Paddy Vieira too.

Before moving on to non-Arse related news, there's of course the little issue of our 10-2 win over Bluhbluhbluhburgerblusterland FC. Bendtner got four, and Vela got three - mighty nice, despite the fact that it's an irrelevant friendly. It must be like Tiger Woods going out on the ole pitch and putt and getting a couple of holes-in-one. Great for the confidence eh?

So on to transfer joke of the season: Robbie Keane to Pool. What an absolutely shockingly pissy bit of business that is on the part of Rafa. What is he thinking? Couldn't get enough of Craig Bellamy? £20.3m for that piece of Spurs shite? Stupid idiots at Anfield, they are. Well good on them. I'm sure Keane-Torres will be like such a house on fire. Not. And what more, and I'm sure the Pool fans will love this. Looks like that piece of wet soggy crap's gonna take the #7 shirt too. Dalglish, Keegan, now (Robbie) Keane. Just perfect.

Alrighty. Enough of Robbie Keane at dinner time. Ciao. Mustn't lose my appetite.

Cesc says it as it is

UPDATE: This is so friggin' hilarious it deserves an update all by itself. Along with news that Elvis is alive, there's now talk that Sir (as in Alex) is considering a "swoop" for Henry. Dunno how to read this. Cry? Laugh? Snigger? Who on earth dreams up these things? Must be the same people who write those "15 year-old boy gives birth to baby lamb"-type stories. Anyway, it's so laughable that even if it happens, it's not going to be worth more than a laugh and wave off. I'd be surprised, though, that this doesn't pique the interest of a certain Thai national, former PM type of dude, who owns a club he thought was Man U.

Cesc has responded to all the shite surrounding Madrid, and despite a "what the F" moment, I can't say I'm totally surprised. In sum, Cesc has said that he will move in due time, but not just yet. All Arse fans should therefore take note: nothing lasts forever, and we can bet that Cesc will probably move sooner rather than later, and if as he has noted himself - that we go trophyless for another season - then it would be much sooner in fact. Some of the boy's comments are worth noting for posterity:

"I didn't tell Ramon Calderon no."

"I told him that now wasn't the time to go to Madrid."

"To be four seasons without winning any titles would be too much for me."

Well, that's that then. This coming season will be the crucible. Let's see last season as sneak peek, rather than bitter disappointment. A sneak peek at what could've been, not necessary should've been. Is our squad any stronger now than it was last season? Sad to say, I'm not entirely sure. If we get lucky with injuries, then yes, we should be in good shape. With Rosicky and RVP injury free, I think we've got a good chance. Bendtner had last season to settle in, and I think he'll do just fine this time round. If Clichy and Sagna continue to improve, they'll be immense. In the middle of the field, well of course there's Cesc - and hopefully, a new solid covering midfielder. It all looks cautiously optimistic, but to have to keep our fingers crossed on injuries is too close for comfort. I mean, we've gotta look out for things like malaria even!

Speaking of injuries and our midfield, let's not forget Denilson. The boy thinks it's about time he steps up, and I'll be the first to second that. His goal for the season is to stake his place in the starting XI, and if he keeps fit, I wouldn't bet against it. A few things Denilson supposedly said are spot on:

“We have the skill, but need a bit more experience in the team. I believe in our team and I’m sure Arsenal will be the strongest one this year and win the title.”

Look at it this way: last season, despite everything, we still only lost 3 games - two fewer than Man U. And the three we games we lost: that pathetic one against Boro, and the most painful ones where we were one-up against Man U and Chelski. I put it all down to experience, and it won't happen again next season. Scolari has opened his fat gob and suggested that they go for the quadruple next season. Well, considering you ended up with zero last time round, it's a bit rich making the leap. But if they can talk about the quad, then I'll talk about another season of Invincibility.

Well, looks like this is our final week of meaningless friendlies before the Emirates Cup. Lets go make our final signing this week. Our first Champs League game's scheduled for 12 August, so that doesn't leave us much time. It's been a long long summer...

Effin' Nuthin'

So it seems. Just a spattering of news on Samir Nasri's role in the team - on the flanks, kinda like Pires. Can't say that was unexpected, and it's clear as day that we've missed someone like Bobby - who could work down the flanks and score goals at the same time. Hleb was utter crap in that regard. In fact, I can't ever recall him making an effort at a cross or a worthwhile shot at goal from further than 8 yards out. Anyway, that's history. May he bloom into the complete player at Barca. Not.

There's talk too that Le Boss has succumbed and given the captain's armband back to Mohawk Billy for next season - if only to make sure he stays. So not suprising. Yes, taking it away would hae made him cry and ask to leave. Yes, Cesc is a tad too young. But let's be serious here. This has to be it. I cannot see him being captain for longer than one more season.

Finally, as surely as the sun rises, there's some shit dripping from the Spanish capital that Madrid are now looking into Cesc. Pathetic. I must say that although I was disappointed that we didn't sell him after all, I was pretty impressed by how hard we squeezed the balls off Milan and Barca on the price tag. That was just classic. It'd be fun just for the heck of it to watch what Le Boss does with this one.

The Arsewiper is Back

But just barely. Not sure about how I should be feeling, but on the Arse news front, it's almost as if time stood still for a week or so.

Absolutely nothing to report, except for the fact that Kolo has gone and contracted malaria. Now, I'm sorry if this sounds crass - but in this day and age, with his access to medication (anti-malarials?), shouldn't professionals like him be able to avoid things like malaria? So looks like he'll miss the start of the season. It's never good to miss the start of the season. Look what happened to Gilberto last time round. I think Kolo's place will be slightly safer though - unless Philippe decides to turn in a series of gigantic performances. With Kolo gone, I'm just a tad concerned about our central defence. Mohawk Billy is so over the hill.

Le Boss has also gone and said that he's looking at one more signing - probably in midfield. We should add one more further up front too. Some sanity has returned to Barca, and they now realise that Ade was just too expensive for a potential lemon. Damn. Looks like we're stuck with him. So what we have are: (a) an idiot who probably still thinks he's too good for his pay, (b) an idiot who has priced himself out of a move, and (c) an idiot who really should be put on the bench and rotated for the Carling Cup. Which means - we need another striker.

On the human interest front, some funny news about Thierry's messy divorce. It's always been my firm belief that Thierry was also meant to be an Arse for life, and was planning to. Until his marital indiscretions got the better of him. It's a bit sad. From being devoted to the club, the country, and his family, we now have him struggling in Catalonia with a mammoth alimony and lawyer fees looming over him.

Well, that's it. I'm hoping the news will start coming on, now that the Arsewiper's back.

Let's Start with some Golf

Yes, golf. What's being played at Royal Birkdale right now. The Open Championship.

Now, I must admit that for the good part of the last decade, while I've been adequately entertained by the Woods, Mickelson, Furyk, Goosen, etc etc show, I've not quite regained that excitement over the game that I had when it was more Norman, Faldo, even Lyle (at the Masters in 88), or Woosnam. Even watching Couples got me more excited about the game than the Zach Johnsons, or the Boo Weekleys. The game has lost something. Perhaps it's Woods. Perhaps he's just so dominated the game that all we have left are the nameless dudes going about their nameless, character-less business. Let's forget about Fat Phil. He's a side-show. Ernie, god bless his soul, is over the hill. Yes, we've got an over-age Sergio trying to assert himself all over again, and interesting characters in Camilo Villegas. Even Adam Scott. But alas, it's just not the same.

Until Thursday and Friday. When the old Shark came sneaking up the leaderboard at the Open all over again. How nice it was seeing him back in the thick of things, his consistency outshining the floundering of Els and Mickelson the first day. So he'll start Saturday in the final grouping with KJ Choi. I don't think he's going to do a collapse that we're all too sadly familiar with. It won't be spectacular. More plodding. While there is nothing more I'd love than to see him in contention, the realist in me thinks otherwise. He just hasn't even practised, let alone competed. He's a 53-year old out of practice. How ominous can that be? Good as he is, I don't think he'll get by on latent talent. So I'd say he'll probably drift away, with things two rounds in the mid-70s. And with that, then the legend of Norman on the golf course will go for good. In the meantime, though, I'll just be content with watching Round 3 with a bit more interest than usual.

So, what's been happening in football in the few days I've been gone? Hleb's gone for good. Good riddance. And so too Gilberto. Gibby, thanks for the memories. We're all happy for your years of service, and glad that you even managed a goal in the game against Reading. Putting aside the crap about Ade, and the stupid rumours about signings, what does our balance sheet really look like? Out are Flamini, Hleb and Gilberto. Coming in for the new season are Nasri, Carlos Vela and Aaron Ramsey. Not too bad. I think we can expect one more signing, and that's the end of it. It'll probably be a surprise, and I hope it involves the departure of Ade as well. It's about time we gave more time to the likes of Diaby and Denilson, so I'm not too sure if Le Boss will buy a midfielder. It's probably a striker he'll get, though one more wish I have is for a better defender than old Mohawk Billy. He won't last more than another season, especially if we take the captain's armband away.

So au revoir. It's probably another period of silence on the Arse airwaves. Unless of course, if Norman wins the Open or we land a major signing. Ciao.

Melrose Place, it is

Really all sorts of funny things going on. Reminds me of that old series Melrose Place. Where the whole plot revolved around everyone screwing everyone else, in turns, in sequence, out of turn, but inevitably, everyone's linked to everyone else. Not only are we now linked to Xabi Alonso, which is complete bollocks, if I've ever seen bollocks, but there's now talk of Pool making a £20m bid for Robbie Keane. Now that is freakin' hilarious for several reasons. One, the Sun sez that the transfer would make the total transfer fees paid for him go up to something like £60m. How on earth such good money - which could be used to alleviate child hunger in a small village somewhere - could be spent on a cunt like Robbie Keane is beyond me. But again, the gospel according to the Sun makes sense: others who have cost so much include of course Anelka and Hernan Crespo. Both world-class cunts in their own rights. So the equations are clear: cuntness and transfer fees - directly related, in fact, increases by multiple proportions the higher the level of cuntness.

Just because I think it's so stupid, here's some rubbish from goal.com on the Alonso-Arse link. Barry one moment, Alonso the next - all the work of stupid agents with too much access to stupid journalists. Gonna go outside to the pub right now and start a rumour on Arse signing the new Venezuelan Miss Universe - as a secret move just to piss Hleb off, and get the young 'uns like Theo and Aaron adequately motivated.

Oh yes, speaking of that short-socked arse, Hleb's having his medicals as I write this. Hmmm. Better check his uric acids levels. All that sugar with his ice cream can't be doing him much good. Here's a link to CNN for a change. Why the heck CNN even cares about Alexander Hleb amuses me to no end. I suppose if we sell him for a tiny profit from what he cost, that's good business. We'd have covered expenses like water, food, off-pitch refreshments, his kit, etc. That's more than enough.

Finally, finally, finally: we've come to the end of the search for the 50 Greatest Arses of all time. Number 3 is of course Tony Adams. We all know who numero uno will be when they announce it tomorrow, so the more interesting bet will be on #2. My money's on Oleg Luzhny. He was a freakin' giant man!! I won't rule it out...that list already has had its odd moments: like bloody Anelka ranking higher (in his 3 years at Arse) than Nigel Winterburn. Or Arsely Hole being a better Arse than Paul Merson. What bollocks.

By the way, the Arsewiper may have to slow down in the next couple of days. Those who know the Arsewiper will know why. I should pace myself now that I'm getting to post number 100 too!

Hello? Could I Speak to Gareth, please?

We've made official enquiries into Gareth Barry's status. The phonecall between Pat Rice (PR)and some Villa coach (VC) went something like this:

PR: Hey man. Just what the hell is goin' on with Gareth and those clowns at Anfield?
VC: Who the fuck knows. Damn fools. Arguing over a couple of quid, bucks, euros, whatever.
PR: Yeah, tell me about it. Those bastards over at Milan are quibbling over a few bucks for Ade too. I mean, what's it with these idiots?
VC: Yeah, I mean, Ade is pure gold man. The best bloody striker the EPL has ever season. Worth every penny of a £120,000 wage. Wish we could afford him.
PR: I know. We really want to pay him that, but we just can't afford it too. We could afford Gareth though.
VC: That right?
PR: Yeah, for sure. Might be nice to have another Englishman.
VC: Alright then, you want me to tell Martin?
PR: Why not? Since that arsehole Flamini left, we haven't found anyone yet. That arse Hleb's leaving too, and unfortunatly we may be letting Gibby go too.
VC: Cool. Let me sort out this shit with Rafa and his twits. I'll get back to you.

So that was that. Let's see what happens. With Theo, Ramsey, now Barry, fuck, let's see Sepp Blatter talk out of his arse again.

Pool's bid to sell off Alonso has collapsed, so they may be sitting on someone with no extra cash. Funny. Didn't they like get a bomb for Crouch though? haha.

Speaking of Gibby Gilberto, looks like a deal's been made for £1m. Seems like a damn sad small small sum there. Wonder whether the boys ever stand naked in the shower comparing their transfer fees. Anyway, he's been a trooper, but his age has shown. All due thanks to Gibby for a good run.

An interesting list here of Le Boss' best 11 signings. Wouldn't say I disagree, except that Pires should be there, as 12th. The sub. Perhaps.

Divine. Coincidence.

Well, today we have news that Hleb will be unveiled at Barca for £15m. Next, we have Arshavin's agent saying (again?) that the dude would take Arse in a hearbeat: "If Arsenal go for Arshavin it could be really good for both parties. Arsenal is a very young team and Arshavin is 27. There's something about combining young and older players, they propagate attacking football." Should I read anything into the timing of the reports? Who knows. All I can say is, f it happens, I'd be chuffed enough.

Alright then. Today's Monday. I'm pretty much sure we'll have our squad generally in place by the weekend. Ade gone, Arshavin around, Hleb eating ice cream, Aaron Ramsey, Carlos Vela, Samir Nasri, not too bad all in all.

Some other not so funny news: Nigel Winterburn's gone off to Blackburn. Defensive coach it seems. Paul Ince's his boss. How low can he go? C'mon Nige, wasn't there any other better job out there? TV isn't too bad. Blackburn? Oh man. Even Adams is probably better off at Pompey. At least there, at least they know they're just pretending to be Arse. Blackburn? Damn, they can't even pretend to be anyone.

As for more important things, our new away kit's been officially unveiled. Nifty, man, nifty! Not too bad. Though I've never gotten myself a yellow jersey before, and don't think I'll start this time. What's important is that it gives me a real confident feeling about away games now! haha. Between the third white kit and this one, we won't get beat away now! I'd start a little poll about our worst performing away kits, but I have a pretty good idea which one it is.

Y'know...I just want to end on something called David Bentley. If ever there was a doubt that he was the prick that fell off the apple cart, I suppose any such doubt has been blown to bits with the fact that he'll probably sign for Spurs. Nice.

A Rather Preposterous Proposition

Nowhere else to start than with the suggestion that Ade could be sold for €30m plus €10m-rated Samuel Eto'o. Haven't heard anything so funny in a bit. If Ade is not the most over-rated dude ever, I don't know who is. I must say Le Boss and the board at Arse have created the ultimate luxury good. Hat's off to them for some unprecedented marketing work. Jack up the price for a piece of shit, don't move, let him whine, and watch his value sky rocket from nothing. Simply hilarious. If this were not a total piece of goal.com fiction, I'd burst a blood vessel just shouting at Le Boss to take it. With news that AC Milan are slightly tired of Ade, and that they're on the verge of signing Ronaldinho, I suppose there could be like a 0.05% chance of that happening.

Nothing much interesting in the news, but I must draw some attention to this really nifty piece of journalism: talking about my favourites for the moment, Hleb, Blatter and Ronaldo. Never thought News of the World was about such top notch commentary. I must also admit I am rather partial to the great artwork in the said article. Enjoy.

What a wasted Sunday for the news. Wonder what Ade and Hleb have been doing this weekend. Having an awful case of gastroenteritis I hope.

More Funny Nonsense

Arshavin has apparently drawn up his own death wish. Having both Chelski and Arse supposedly eyeing him, his agent has reportedly said that "Andrei would love to play for Arsenal”, and that our "style of football would be perfect for him.” Well, I can't say why he would love to play for us, especially since he has also said that he's dreamt of Barca all his life as well. What gives man. Not only is he slightly older than our usual buys, but there's also now news that we're gonna hijack Pool's bid for Gareth Barry. With Flamini gone, and with Gilberto probably out as well, I must admit Barry would not be a bad replacement. He'd be a good enough holding midfielder to allow Cesc his space. And he is definitely a more consistent goal scorer than either Flamini or Gilberto. But as with Arshavin, he's on the older side.

Basically, what we have right now is at least as follows: minus Flamini, minus Hleb, minus Ade, minus Gilberto, plus Nasri, plus Ramsey, plus Arshavin, plus Huntelaar, plus Barry. And we've still got people like Charles N'Zogbia and Obafemi Martins wanting to come south to the Emirates. All in all, even if half this happens, it'll still be one of our most eventful summers in a long time.

I can't take this quiet Saturdays for much longer. Dammit. When is something ever going to really happen? Good thing our kick off against West Brom has been moved to lunch time. At least it's 2 hours less waiting.

Talking About Slavery

Before that though, at last, Samir Nasri's confirmed. Took long enough. There's talk that this would accelerate Hleb's departure. I don't think we ever needed a reason to accelerate it, but if this just stops all the talk about Hleb, then I'd be glad. Our official Arse news already has him in his new kit and all, but I hope he gets the #8. No point keeping it unfilled. Wrighty's been gone long enough, and Freddie's already forgotten.

The Sun seems pretty confident about why we should be happy about the Nasri signing. The reason: Tatiana Golovin...as in the tennis player? His girlfriend? Don't know about you, but Samir would really look like a kid next to her. Is it me or does she look like a man version of Cameron Diaz? Anyway, the thing about Arse games is that we don't often get shots on screen of our WAGs at the Emirates, and I'd like to keep it that way.

As for Ade, I rarely take anything from Goal.com more seriously than UFO sightings or aliens mating with old women, but let's take a look at this one: €30m plus some Gourcuff thing (which only becomes available in June 2009. Oh c'mon. I don't buy it for a second. Even if it means that we're getting this Gourcuff plus Huntelaar, I'm surely ain't gonna believe any damn thing until we have Huntelaar in his new kit too.

Other than these usual UFO sightings, there's nothing much else Arse-related. Which brings me the main point of stupidity for the year. We never really needed any proof of how utterly stupid Sepp Blatter is, or proof that Ronaldo is one complete and total cunt, but for some unknown reason, they have both contrived to give us more.

Mr Blatter: player transfers in their inhumanity, are like, like...modern slavery. How anyone can even consider that gives me a headache contemplating. What kind of stupid fucker do we have running the world game? Since they are stupid, someone point them to google images, and type in for them: "slavery", or "modern slavery". Then show them the pictures. Now, not sure I'd see any photos of footballers lounging with a topless chick in the Mediterranean. It must sure hurt being a modern slave. To all the descendants of slaves, all our African friends hosting the World Cup in 2010, I think there's something to be said to Blatter. Goddamit. How can anyone be allowed to get away with something so utterly void of intelligence, not to mention morals or knowledge of history.

As for Ronaldo, may he rot in hell for all eternity now. I'd sure like to see how he'd join up with team-mates from the African continent. His comments: “I agree 100 per cent with what he said. He is right.” He had an open goal, a chance to tell Blatter to shut the fuck up, and up his own credibility, but what did he do? The brainless moron flubbed it. He the slave, who according to the Sun, currently earns £120,000 a week at Old Trafford, lives in a £4million mansion, has ordered an £835,000 Bugatti Veyron and is close to agreeing a new £23million Nike sponsorship deal! Damn slavery if you asked me.

So I say this: (a) everyone with any conscience (okay, not conscience. Just brains). should boycott Man U until they sell him, and (b) when they do, boycott Real. So much for FIFA's whole anti-racism ringmarole, when their President deems it appropriate to make such a statement.

New rule: footballers should take an IQ test as part of their pre-signing fitness tests/medicals. Those who fail should just shut the f up.

Still Nothing Happening For Sure

As far as Hleb goes, the news today is that we're one step closer to jettisoning the short-socked one. Philosophically, since we got him for £11.2m, any thing at £11.3m should be seen as a good piece of business. Water off our backs, and it shouldn't cost too much more to get someone with a higher rate of assists and goals. Speaking of which then, by sheer coincidence, there's now news also that we're considering an attacking left-sided player in Yuri Zhirkov. Well, I suppose getting a real Russian for a Belarussian's not too bad. His socks should be acceptable.

There's also news of another departure in Gilberto. I suppose if it can be taken seriously, then £2million would seem to be something of a bargain. But then again, the poor chap has no doubt seen his better days, and we do need to give people like Diaby and Denilson a chance for a run out. All in all, if he does leave, then I'm glad that it has taken place with little fanfare, griping, bitching, etc etc etc. Probably because there has been little indication of agents being involved.

The latest in the string of rumoured Ade-alternatives is now Falcao. Who cares, right? Let's just see Ade go first, and then after that, Le Boss will probably turn a trick which nobody expected. I'm just glad that the ridiculous rumour of Peter Crouch never lasted more than 2 seconds. And to the graveyard of superstars he goes. Pompey.

Finally, to end with a smile, the Arsenal have tallied up Cesc's stats for the season. Even after all the plaudits, the numbers in themselves are still shocking in their story. Simply incredible. His goal assists and shots on goal speak for themselves.

Sagna Says

Well, the quote of the off-season so far has come from Bacary Sagna, who when asked if his 6 year contract meant something long term, he said: “Not necessarily. In fact, it doesn’t mean anything. The proof is that most of the players leave even when they are under contract."

Amen to that. Now, I don't think he means anything personal about that, but he's calling a spade a spade in these mercenary days of multi-million dollar deals. Contracts are worth jack shit, and we all know it. There's no point anybody talking about "my heart's with this club, blah blah, blee blee" anymore. There's little credibility left in anybody who does. Henry said it, and it didn't take him longer than 9 months to move on from there. Broken marriage or otherwise.

"The important thing is most of all to perform well", he says. Well of course. I'm clinging on to the fact that Arsenal Football Club stands for something different, and until I'm convinced otherwise, that's what I'll do. For that reason, nothing engenders better feelings in me than Bergkamp's career at Arsenal, and how he eventually left.

If ever anyone needs another example of pathetic barrel-scraping journalism, check this out. Basically, someone heard Rafael Nadal (yes, the one who plays tennis) ask someone about Ronaldo, and someone said he's set on Madrid. So, that looks like he is. Pathetic.

Talking about pathetic, first, Hleb goes and expectedly takes back his comments. Oh, sorry sorry. I didn't really mean it. I never said it, he says. Whatever. Just f off quietly, why don't you. And true to form, the next bit of news is that he's on his way to Barca, and that it'll be announced in days. Pfffft. Just spare us. Whatever happens, I'm just glad we made good profits from him and Ade. That's more than what we can say of some other teams. hah!

Quiet quiet day. Can't take this anymore.

The Happening

Something's happening at the Emirates, and I think M Night Shyamalan foresaw it when he wrote the script for his latest movie. It must be the trees. They're making the players mad, suicidal, delusional, the works.

First, it was Ade, who began to be speak out of his anus. Now, it's Hleb, who's also developed that eerie ability. His targets: Le Boss and for some unknown reason (maybe jealousy) Cesc.

About Le Boss: "My view of how I should be playing didn't coincide with the manager's...It may turn out he's happy to see me go."

About Cesc: "When we get scoring opportunities, Fábregas is much more selfish than me," he said. "Given a chance to shoot, he always goes for it - unlike me."

Well, blow me over (or fuck me in normal parlance). Any ant with an iota of self awareness would have looked back on his performances and found the opportunity to say:

"My name is Alex. I have a problem. I can't shoot." (Applause, yay! Yes, Alex, well done!)

"Never have been able to. I'm too scared. That's why I pass it. Even when it's easier to shoot, even when they're shouting for me to shoot, not pass, I still pass. I don't know why."

"I know I have bad thoughts about my team mates. I can't help it." (Applause. It's okay, Alex, continue)

"I know it's up to me. Only I can make myself shoot. I know I can't stand it that I don't score more, and I hate it that everyone scores more than me. I shouldn't blame anyone else. It's me."

"I can't shoot, and it's not just on the pitch..."

Anyway, adios, Alex. So long. Since you "prefer" Barca, I hope they're willing to pay at least £20m. Together with the £30m for Ade, I think we've got a pretty good kitty for Nasri, Arshavin, Huntelaar, and just about anyone else.

As for Ade, well, good for Le Boss that he' sticking to his guns and not moving on either his wage demands or the transfer fee.

Speaking of Arshavin, the comments from his agent are (as is the case for all agents) freakin' hilarious!

First, looks like Mr Andrei, Sir, would only accept offers from the four English teams in the Champions League, and not from the crap shites "like Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Aston Villa." hahahahahaha!! Don't think they even considered him, so I feel kinda sad that they got slimed for nothing. Not.

So it's down to us or Chelski for a Russian (who can't pay for his own chicks) signature. Go figure how that one will end up. I'm glad for that. The kind of cash that's being talked about. Ridiculous. No way near worthwhile for a lightweight 27 year old. Romano Bloody Bitch can go deal with it.

Arsewiper needs to go convalesce. Till tomorrow.

A Rather Mundane Monday

So I'll start with a more heartwarming story coming from Wales, where Aaron Ramsey has uttered some pretty pretty words.

Besides staking his place in the starting line-up against West Brom in August (unlikely, but carry on trying, young man), some of his snappier lines include:

“I supported Manchester United as a youngster...(b)ut once I had spoken to Arsene Wenger, the way he described the Arsenal set-up and their plans for the future impressed me." Good

“I just had a gut instinct that the right move for me would be joining Arsenal." Good

“I thought about where the best place would be for me to develop as a player...and that was Arsenal. Yes

“I don’t think too many people wouldn’t look forward to coming under the guidance of Arsene Wenger and playing next to someone like Cesc Fabregas." Well said

10/10, young man. Good work. Well done. Keep it up.

I'd really like to see him do well in the pre-season, stake his place in the friendlies, and who knows, make an odd appearance against the likes of Ajax, Madrid, Juve and Sevilla. Fingers crossed that he makes a couple of minutes on the pitch if we're 3-0 up against West Brom after an hour.

Now that that nice little story is out of the way, on to the shit news. Not sure why Peter Hill-Wood's staking so much on Ade staying. The really is no reason to keep an a-hole around who would rather be elsewhere. I suppose then the only reason for the man saying what he has is just to (a) keep the heat on Barca, and (b) keep the idiot Ade and his agent sweating for a while. If so, then we're all behind you, but please...if it's £30m, take the bloody money and run, for chrissakes!!

Finally, surprise surprise, Cesc is our Arsenal.com/O2 player of the year. His performances along in the first half of the season were worthy, and we can forgive him his slightly less stellar showing in the latter half. Let's take it as learning. As his performances in Austria/Switzerland have shown, there's much more in the tank. I'm just thanking god we fixed the thing so Ade didn't win.

Hey, did I read somewhere that Sampdoria are bidding £20m for Eboue?

Joking...we wish.

A Bloody Quiet Weekend

Well, good thing I decided against doing anything on Saturday. Nothing happened, and things are barely moving today as well. Except for a few interesting nuggets though.

First, Le Boss has come out with a few choice quotes on the future of Arse's finances, and on the state of player contracts and loyalty:

As usual, he makes perfect sense. Some of my favourite ones:

On our need to finance the new stadium: "The strategy of the club is to sell every year and to buy less expensive players. We manage at Arsenal to maintain all our football ambitions – national and European – while having to free up – for 17 more years – an annual surplus of £24 million to pay for our game.”

At first glance, one must admit that it sucks. But ultimately, it had to be done. Arse are about a club, which will last for longer than a decade. That's the beauty of it. While it hurts, I stand fully committed to the fact that it's still the most sustainable model. Man U are fortunate that they have already built up their stadium. Chelski are killing themselves in the long term. Even if they decide that they need a new stadium to replace that crap cow patch at Stamford Bridge, either (a) they'll have no money or (b) they'll just go further into debt. We can safely say that based solely on what we have today, Arse will endure, 10, 20, 30 years from now. But Chelski? Who the f knows (and cares). Pool are starting to think of their new stadium. Good luck to them. Not sure they'll do quite as well with a limited budget as we have done.

On arsehole players: “If I had the power to change anything basic in football, it would be the transfter system which makes mercenaries of players. If they are bad ones, they stay and, if they are good, they think only of leaving. I have fought for them to earn a very good living, but I impose respect for their contract upon them.”

Well, that's exactly the point which I've made before. Loyalty stands for crap these days, and I can only hope that we at least maintain a small corps of key guys who will reasonably stay the course. Definitely, Ade deserves whatever crap future he has ahead of him henceforth. The contract as it stands, is worth less than the paper it's printed on. I can only hope they do it double-sided. Money in the game no doubt has done wonders for the EPL, but I swear, it will only kill the soul of the game if the likes of Ade start proliferating.

It seems Chelski haven't signed Arshavin after all. Hmmm. Strange, but far from surprising. What's surprising is the suggestion that we are leading the race for his signature. It's odd from the footballing perspective, but funny that the reason why we're ahead is because he wants his kids to learn English. *snigger*snigger* This sounds vaguely familar personally...

Anyway! Yes, my boy. Learning English is far more useful than Spanish. Who the heck uses it anymore in the real world? Mebbe if he decides to end his careers at LA Galaxy, Spanish might be useful, but anywhere else? His kids are 2 years and 3 months old. So going by that, he definitely needs at least a six-year contract.

Finally, some indication why Ronaldo may not be headed to Real Madrid after all. Bloody hilarious. Poor Ronnie. Looks like his girl's a used product, and by none other than Real mainstay Sergio Ramos. Hee hee. Here's the story, but little warning: a slightly un-football photo therein. (Kids, get your parents over here before clicking).

Just Do It (now!)

So now Barca have offered £30m. I say we should wait a little while longer, then tell Ade to go sit on the toilet, make him wait two weeks, then take it. I have never seen a better deal made by a used-car salesman, and if we do sell him for £30m, I'd sure feel like a happy used-car salesman skipping to the bank.

As expected, Arshavin has signed for Chelski. Once they revealed their interest, I don't see how there could have been any other outcome. If I were Arshavin, had Romano Bloody Bitch eye-ing me, threatening to unleash his mafia goons on my family, and throwing in women (since I can't afford them myself) and gold jewellery, I'd have done the same. We can be sure that he'll get plenty of time on the pitch, and even if good ole Scolari thinks and says otherwise, we all knows who picks the squad.

Man U and Portugal are now fighting over whether Ronaldo's going to have an ankle op. I mean, isn't there anything else better to fight over? If it was an emergecy un-anesthesised castration, then that would be something to quibble over. Daft. To save time, they should just go have an op on the other ankle while waiting.

Can't believe it. Nothing else to talk about. Except that happy people are running around the Emirates and St Albans buying up the new jersey. It's not fair. Why are there two Arsenal World of Sport stores in Thailand?? But never mind, the Arsewiper's gone and got his as well. Woo hoo!! I must say its looks (and feels) better than it has done in the pictures. Mighty pleased.

Gotta be looking elsewhere...

For news, that is. Let's be sure about this. There ain't crap out there of note as it relates to Arse. Not even news on Samir Nasri going to the loo. Not even news on Hleb having an ice cream. Hey. Wait a minute. Just how is it that there has been absolute silence on that front? Kinda intriguing. What could happen I suppose is that once Nasri finally does the deed, then lo-and-behold, we hear that Hleb's off. In the meantime, I hope Le Boss has put him and Ade both in time out. As Super Nanny has said, one minute for every year of their age. So there.

The only thing remotely related to Arse (that's remotely new) is this little piece on Zenit St Petersburg getting really confused by Le Boss. Suppose they're getting all destabilised about the conflicting signals. I don't see why. After all, Arshavin already has his sights on greater things, nyet? For people easily confused by Arsene Wenger, then I say, errr...what's the problem?

Marginally more related to Arse are these pics of Cesc's new apartment. (It's sad what happens on slow news days). Somehow, News of the World have found an angle for the story to say that this means he's staying put. Nice place, I must add. Wonder if it's near a tube station.

What's getting funny are developments over in Manchester. The blue end. Yup, CM-TRT United have signed £19m Jo, and they've now got their sights on Ronaldinho. I don't know why, but while CM-TRT United fans are undoubtedly getting all excited about their future, I get a little sense that what's happening is that they're just accelerating into the wall. Just one more season out of the top 4 (no, the top 10), and there'll be chaos I tell you. What I'd give to see Thaksin split, cut his losses, and see the renamed Manchester City tumble along where nobody else has gone (except Leeds).

Even funnier things happening over in Birmingham, where Gareth Barry is now the home-grown hero turned bastard child. I don't see what's the problem with Pool in the first place. Those repeated bids, £10m, £11m, £10m, £11m, £13m, £15m...C'mon, even if he was worth the asking £18m, I think the pride of Liverpool Football Club would not be worth the hassle.

For now, Martin O'Neill has done the right thing and put Gareth straight into time out. He has been "disciplined". There's even a £84,000 fine. No supper, no Game Boy, no TV, nothing. Gareth, you don't get to go outside and play too. Shame on you for talking to the big bag meanies and mouthing off on us. Right on! We should give all similar shits a right kick up the arse. Ade would be our first, then Hleb. And if agents squeal, the players get an extra two kicks up the arse.

Eduardo's Walking!

Well, we've got good Arse news in the morning for the first time in a long while. The Sun's reporting that he's out and about, posing for pics by the beach, and showing off his not-too-bad-looking scar. That's really great news. I think we should be planning for a return by September at the very earliest, and even then, it's still way faster than anybody would have thought. His doc has told him he should be playing football again. He hopes so, and we hope so too. (Parental Advisory: Please click on only the first slideshow of Eduardo as he is now. Do not click on the slideshow on how he got his injury in the first place, unless you particularly enjoy it. If so, then you're better off watching the third slideshow on all other sorts of other horrific sports injuries).

As for other funny bits of news, here's one about us turning down £24m for Ade from Barca. I mean, that's really hilarious. This time last year, would we have taken £24m? To think that we're holding for more is really quite cool. Let's wait for £30m and make the dude sweat. His agent has now come out and spoken out of his arse:

“Emmanuel is a man of heart, not of money. He is not greedy. He is a kid from the street, has sensibilities and is humble. If this was a money problem, then he would have asked to leave. I know that Arsenal’s political position is that they don’t pay high salaries.”

Of course. He's a man not of money, but careful post-retirement planning. He would have asked to leave? Hasn't he already? Goddamit. What a farce. And what is Arsenal's "political" position? What is this? The frigging UN? A political position versus what? A non-political position? An economic position? Social position? Socio-economic position? Philosophical position? Bloody agents with shit for brains should not use words with more than two syllables. Unless they're talking about names like Em-man-u-el / A-de-ba-yor.

Looking ahead, the draws for the first two qualifying rounds of the Champions League have been made, with the winners then put to the third, with among others, giants like Arsenal in the mix. There're some really big names out there, so I won't be surprised (given our usual luck in the draw) to get teams like Fenerbahce, Panathinaikos, Dynamo Kiev or Sparta Prague. Wouldn't mind Slavia Prague again, but one more dose of a Czech team would really piss me off. It would be fun to get someone like FC Sheriff, or Anorthosis Famagusta. No, that is not a disease. It's a football team from Cyprus. The draw's on 1 August, so stay tuned for that.

In the meantime, no, Ade has not been run over by a truck just yet.

Aw, damn!

Dammit. We're going to have to endure another season of Lum-pard in the Premier League. Just when we all thought Mourinho would finally do us a favour by hauling his ugly ass of to Milan, he decides...maybe next year. Now why's that so? Why's next year any better than this year? I don't get it. He's going to be an old fogey (and out of contract) by next season, so the only reason must be that Mourinho only wants to get him for £1.99. Maybe Jose's bosses insisted they weren't even going to pay £1.99 for the twat and wanted him for free. Or maybe Vieira's still going to be around for another season. Whatever. It sucks.

(I was trying to figure out why's he just so ugly, and for some reason, the only image that came to mind was Randall, as in Monster's Inc. So I've left Randall's pic here. Sorry Randall. I think it's the eyes-too-close-together deal).

Here's a rather funny story linking us to Marcos Senna. And who's the horse this time? Pascal Cygan. haha. snigger snigger. Yes, they're mates over at Villareal, but I don't think there's any more to the stories than that. Don't think Le Boss has ever bought anyone older than 28. Petit, Overmars and Pires methinks were 27 max, if not younger.

Further to my earlier suggestion that Cesc consider a second career as a spin-meister, he's now come out and tried to all make us feel better for our season, i.e the win was for us, he'll do it with Arse, etc etc. Aw shucks. Thanks Cesc. But really no need. You go enjoy your medal, and so long as you show us a good deal of loyalty, and not bail at the first sign of Barca, we'll be more than grateful. Whenever you do move, do it at the end of your 8-year deal, at the very least.

Nothing else much in the news, unfortunately. Hopefully, we'll get confirmation of Ade's departure tomorrow, and his getting run over by a rubbish truck on the way to Gatwick (in his new Milan jersey). And his suitcase full of money spilling all over the road. And his hair getting caught in the wheels. And his Togo team-mates grabbing his cash.