Melrose Place, it is

Really all sorts of funny things going on. Reminds me of that old series Melrose Place. Where the whole plot revolved around everyone screwing everyone else, in turns, in sequence, out of turn, but inevitably, everyone's linked to everyone else. Not only are we now linked to Xabi Alonso, which is complete bollocks, if I've ever seen bollocks, but there's now talk of Pool making a £20m bid for Robbie Keane. Now that is freakin' hilarious for several reasons. One, the Sun sez that the transfer would make the total transfer fees paid for him go up to something like £60m. How on earth such good money - which could be used to alleviate child hunger in a small village somewhere - could be spent on a cunt like Robbie Keane is beyond me. But again, the gospel according to the Sun makes sense: others who have cost so much include of course Anelka and Hernan Crespo. Both world-class cunts in their own rights. So the equations are clear: cuntness and transfer fees - directly related, in fact, increases by multiple proportions the higher the level of cuntness.

Just because I think it's so stupid, here's some rubbish from goal.com on the Alonso-Arse link. Barry one moment, Alonso the next - all the work of stupid agents with too much access to stupid journalists. Gonna go outside to the pub right now and start a rumour on Arse signing the new Venezuelan Miss Universe - as a secret move just to piss Hleb off, and get the young 'uns like Theo and Aaron adequately motivated.

Oh yes, speaking of that short-socked arse, Hleb's having his medicals as I write this. Hmmm. Better check his uric acids levels. All that sugar with his ice cream can't be doing him much good. Here's a link to CNN for a change. Why the heck CNN even cares about Alexander Hleb amuses me to no end. I suppose if we sell him for a tiny profit from what he cost, that's good business. We'd have covered expenses like water, food, off-pitch refreshments, his kit, etc. That's more than enough.

Finally, finally, finally: we've come to the end of the search for the 50 Greatest Arses of all time. Number 3 is of course Tony Adams. We all know who numero uno will be when they announce it tomorrow, so the more interesting bet will be on #2. My money's on Oleg Luzhny. He was a freakin' giant man!! I won't rule it out...that list already has had its odd moments: like bloody Anelka ranking higher (in his 3 years at Arse) than Nigel Winterburn. Or Arsely Hole being a better Arse than Paul Merson. What bollocks.

By the way, the Arsewiper may have to slow down in the next couple of days. Those who know the Arsewiper will know why. I should pace myself now that I'm getting to post number 100 too!